The Space Toast Pages

Matthew Rasmussen's journal of journals on various topics of interest, published here, there or somewhere since 1999.

Sunday Comics

By virtue of their printed size, long-form (Sunday) comics have a history of being difficult to translate into book form. Newspaper widths vary between about 11"x17" (tabloid) and 18"x24" (broadsheet), while trade paperbacks much above 8.5"x11" (letter) become expensive to print and hard to move through retail channels. In order to allow reprinting in smaller formats and in different shapes, the modern comics page is dominated by comics with simple art and a large number of small panels. Meanwhile, dedicated comic books, which can be reprinted at the same scale and dimensions in trade paperback, have grown ever more complex and detailed. Sunday comics with ongoing storylines have disappeared, while comic book storylines grow ever richer.

Lets find a different Sunday strip format that's easier to reprint in book form.

We assume that each artist should get the same amount of space in each edition, and that the artwork should be reproduced at roughly the same size in newspaper and book form.

The simplest method would be to print four standard comic book pages on each page of newsprint (fig. 1), for a total of 16 comics per sheet (bifold: cover, inside left, inside right, back). Reprinting is a question of slicing each full-size page into four book pages.

Fine. Boring. The newspaper sheet looks like a set of unrelated items stuck next to each other.

We could also do three landscape-oriented pages per sheet. (fig. 2) This would give the artist more space to work with. Reprinting would require a landscape-oriented trade paperback though, which is harder to shelve. It's also just as boring.

If we're reinventing the Sunday comics page, let's come up with something more interesting.

We'll start by dividing the page into blocks. Each page of the trade paperback gets six blocks (2x3), each page of the newspaper, eighteen (3x6). (fig. 3) The blocks need not be square, but they can't be rotated between newsprint and trade, and need to maintain a consistent aspect ratio.

We now combine the blocks into shapes. These shapes become the working space each artist is given. Since the shapes won't be divided up further in reprinting, the artist has freedom to use the space in any way desired -- panels of all shapes and sizes, or no individual panels at all. A 2x3 block trade paperback page can be divided into fifteen pairs of contiguous shapes. (fig. 4)

Shapes that result in an ambiguous visual flow (spots with no clear left-to-right/top-to-bottom progression) have to be discarded. This leaves us with eight shape combinations. (fig. 5)

Our goal is to give each artist the same amount of space per issue. With twelve artists per sheet of newsprint, each artist gets two sets of blocks to work with, totaling six blocks.

The eight shape sets break down into three basic categories:

• Two shapes of the same size (1 & 2)
• One shape with four blocks and one shape with two blocks (3, 4, 5 & 6)
• One single block and one shape with five blocks (7 & 8)

When we take the eight basic shape pairs and start trying to fit them into the 3x6 grid of the newspaper page, we begin to notice things. (fig. 6) It's almost always possible to randomly choose one of each category and fit them together in a nice jumble, without any two shapes being fitted together in the same manner they would be in the 2x3 trade paperback. Shape pairs 3 and 4 tend to cause the exceptions, especially with 7s and 8s, often being either impossible to fit into the grid, or only working in their original positions. Neighbors in general don't tend to work well (2/3/4, 3/4/5, 6/7/8, etc.). A great variety of interesting layouts are allowed.

As long as each artist is given two locations in each issue with a total of six blocks between them, each newsprint issue can be reprinted in book form without any alteration to or significant scaling of the original artwork. An attractively jumbled layout is produced, both for the Sunday newsprint edition and in book form.

Song

By Christina Rossetti

She sat and sang alway
   By the green margin of a stream,
Watching the fishes leap and play
   Beneath the glad sunbeam.

I sat and wept alway
   Beneath the moon's most shadowy beam,
Watching the blossoms of the May
   Weep leaves into the stream.

I wept for memory;
   She sang for hope that is so fair:
My tears were swallowed by the sea;
   Her songs died on the air.

From Goblin Market, and Other Poems, 1862. Project Gutenberg text here.

YouTube Captioning: "In Search Of... Atlantis" (Part 2 of 3.)

This is part 2 of a roundtable captioning project between myself and contributors KKDW and TheDiva. Part 1, captioned by KKDW, can be found on the YouTube Captioning blog. TheDiva's part 3 will appear there as well. Many more captioned YouTube videos -- including our first completed feature film, courtesy of TheDiva -- may be found at YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com. Create your own here.

WiAiqbNMbxQ

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But could it run Doom?

When was the first non-sequitur invented?

(Except the stuff that is like it.)

Plato's metaphorical Atlantis...

"Ruined"

Maybe it was mixed in from another puzzle. Are any of your other puzzles missing a piece?

In an analogy, for instance...

"Beyond" in which direction?

Santorini must lie to the west, in the Atlantic ocean?

"But first, I'd like to sing a little song about the most famousest of all hobbits..."

YOU BLEW IT UP! YOU MANIACS!

These fish were once cockerel.

And impossible, if you're a Conservative.

Obsolete Science Bingo

Lamarckism	Miasma Theory	Telegony	Vital Essence Theory	Emission Theory of Vision
Aristotelian Gravity	Aether	Plum Pudding Model	Rutherford Model	Geocentrism
Newtonian Gravity	Steady State Theory	FREE God SPACE	Flat Earth Theory	Hollow Earth
Catastrophism	Expanding Earth Theory	Creationism	Land Bridge Theory	Freudian Dream Symbolism
Humours Theory of Disease	Homeopathy	Phrenology	Alchemy	Psi

Obsolete Science Bingo

Lamarckism	Miasma Theory	Telegony	Vital Essence Theory	Emission Theory of Vision
Aristotelian Gravity	Aether	Plum Pudding Model	Rutherford Model	Geocentrism
Newtonian Gravity	Steady State Theory	FREE God SPACE	Flat Earth Theory	Hollow Earth
Catastrophism	Expanding Earth Theory	Creationism	Land Bridge Theory	Freudian Dream Symbolism
Humours Theory of Disease	Homeopathy	Phrenology	Alchemy	Psi

Is ANYONE else seeing the giant loaf of uncooked bread dough?

Only to be wined, dined and disappointed, and left with a disease.

"And he stresses that it's for sale."

Like love.

I'm beginning to trust Dr. Ashur less and less.

So we sit and draw pictures for the tourists.

"And that they might have artificially inseminated cattle."

"But you're mean, and I'm not showing it to you."

Obsolete Science Bingo

Lamarckism	Miasma Theory	Telegony	Vital Essence Theory	Emission Theory of Vision
Aristotelian Gravity	Aether	Plum Pudding Model	Rutherford Model	Geocentrism
Newtonian Gravity	Steady State Theory	FREE God SPACE	Flat Earth Theory	Hollow Earth
Catastrophism	Expanding Earth Theory	Creationism	Land Bridge Theory	Freudian Dream Symbolism
Humours Theory of Disease	Homeopathy	Phrenology	Alchemy	Psi

Obsolete Science Bingo

Lamarckism	Miasma Theory	Telegony	Vital Essence Theory	Emission Theory of Vision
Aristotelian Gravity	Aether	Plum Pudding Model	Rutherford Model	Geocentrism
Newtonian Gravity	Steady State Theory	FREE God SPACE	Flat Earth Theory	Hollow Earth
Catastrophism	Expanding Earth Theory	Creationism	Land Bridge Theory	Freudian Dream Symbolism
Humours Theory of Disease	Homeopathy	Phrenology	Alchemy	Psi

"The E.U."

Obsolete Science Bingo

Lamarckism	Miasma Theory	Telegony	Vital Essence Theory	Emission Theory of Vision
Aristotelian Gravity	Aether	Plum Pudding Model	Rutherford Model	Geocentrism
Newtonian Gravity	Steady State Theory	FREE God SPACE	Flat Earth Theory	Hollow Earth
Catastrophism	Expanding Earth Theory	Creationism	Land Bridge Theory	Freudian Dream Symbolism
Humours Theory of Disease	Homeopathy	Phrenology	Alchemy	Psi

Obsolete Science Bingo

Lamarckism	Miasma Theory	Telegony	Vital Essence Theory	Emission Theory of Vision
Aristotelian Gravity	Aether	Plum Pudding Model	Rutherford Model	Geocentrism
Newtonian Gravity	Steady State Theory	FREE God SPACE	Flat Earth Theory	Hollow Earth
Catastrophism	Expanding Earth Theory	Creationism	Land Bridge Theory	Freudian Dream Symbolism
Humours Theory of Disease	Homeopathy	Phrenology	Alchemy	Psi

"And the Smiling Freak."

Thousands more equally vague predictions that couldn't be shoehorned into anything are kept in a U-Store-It downtown.

Both vaguely.

No, when he was very sick, he predicted his death within the next four days.

Who didn't?

No, a death of a President... sometime.

And other loopy sh*t.

He was wrong.

When did he write "I'm Your Boogie Man"?

So not in '68 or '69, and not involving any geological upheavals then?

"...In the Atlantic."

This is the only somewhat regular-looking bit, by the way.

Groupers!

"Leonard, must you work huge white bottoms into every single script?"

"Shut it! And get me another f***ing Gandalf robe."

"And in other places with similar geology."

1. STFU
2. GTFO

3. They're the teeth of a giant space hippopotamus.

4. After Eight mints... OF THE GODS!

5. Some madman has leaked the secret of T-squares to the coral.

What could go wrong?

And the candlestick maker.

"Nothing gay happened."

Capped by Space Toast
YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com

Building the Shack, Part 11

Filled the gaps in the roof with expanding foam. Still a few leaks, but mostly sound.

Built a doorframe. Hardware from various junk drawers in the shop.

Door scrounged from the old cottage on the island, along with the two side windows.

Didn't do the door the correct way with shims. Nailed and screwed small lengths of scrap around edges of doorframe to straighten it.

Considered getting help to move the picture window into place, but found a way to do it alone. Tacked a pair of strips to the outside of the shack, to prevent it from tipping outward.

Not quite enough space to get the window into place. Had to shave the gap down.

Rocked the window into position by stepping it up on levels. Clamped it to frame and pinned it from sides with screws.

Tacked a strip under where I wanted the side windows, after a few false starts. Put the weight of the windows on the strips, and used clamps to keep them from tipping. Measured, screwed the hinges in, and then removed the strips.

Tacked foam tape around the frames of the side windows. Used hardware from one of the old boats at the top and bottom of either as latches. Walls in progress.

Huebner's Six Rules of Mountaineering

1. Climb with passion.
2. No guts, no glory.
3. Expect dead ends.
4. Never turn your back on your partner.
5. Never look where you don't want to go.
6. There's always room on the rope for a person with honor.

Jim Huebner, as quoted in Roy H. Williams' Secret Formulas of the Wizard of Ads.

My Latest Bad Idea

Being dumped unceremoniously here, so that I may move on to more pressing matters.

The Idea:

• A 3d "Kart"-style game
• That runs in a browser
• Using Google's free, open source O3D plugin
• Supported by ads on in-game billboards

Why a "Kart" game:

• Fun
• Simple to pick up and play
• Relatively simple AI -- chooses between preset (invisible) rails and attacks opportunistically

Why O3D:

• Allows fast, hardware-accelerated 3d in modern browsers
• Free for developers and users
• Non-proprietary
• Reputable development team
• Good feature list, growing

Problems With O3D:

• Relatively low-level; no "JQuery" for common tasks
• Would need to develop a toolchain from scratch to convert Animation:Master models and animations

Art Style Ideas:

• Pen and watercolor look
• Bright and fun
• Simple lighting
• Baked shadows on track
• Fake shadows on karts and items
• Dynamic lighting used sparingly for weapon effects
• Cartoony characters

Track Ideas:

• Traction issues -- ice, mud, etc.
• Wind issues -- gusts, fans, etc.
• Loop-de-loops -- why should Sonic have all the fun?

Kart Ideas:

• Permanent, unique kart/driver combos
• Vehicles affected differently by traction and wind as appears logical
• Left and right "slots" on each kart

"Slots" Explained:

• Items can be stored to right or left of driver
• Items have different weights, sometimes other characteristics
• Item weights affect handling
• Heavy jewels, for instance, might be worth points at the end, but be a driving liability
• Tapping trigger switches items between slots
• Holding trigger uses items
• Properly-timed switching of unbalanced items can assist in turns

Drivers:

• Lively 3d cartoon characters
• Represent very different play styles
• Some better suited to some tracks than others
• Unique weapons
• Unique weaknesses
• Unique animations

Sample Drivers:

• The Marboxian:
• Reuse one of my characters
• Drives a hovering flying saucer
• Not affected by traction
• Heavily affected by wind
• Unique weapon: blaster
• Weakness: Phat beats from radio
• A Bear:
• It's a bear
• Heaviest character
• Not affected by wind
• Low traction effect
• Unique weapon: Swipes from massive paws
• Weakness: Igor Stravinsky
• Maxwell the Lil' Demon:
• Reuse a character
• Unique Weapon: Zappy Pitchfork
• Tommi:
• Red-headed, pigtailed little tomboy character
• Raq the Raccoon
• Reuse a character
• A Mouse:
• Reuse a Character

Sample Items:

• Car radio:
• Trigger scans for next station
• Low grade, low quality audio
• Stations come in unreliably in different parts of the track
• Most of it's always country stations
• Triggers musical weaknesses, distracting nearby drivers (see Marboxian, Bear)
• Makes a small but satisfying hit if thrown
• Cinder Block:
• Affects handling, weighing down side of kart it's slotted in
• Makes a satisfyingly hard hit when thrown
• Jewels:
• Worth points at the end, as a function of their weight
• Power ups
• Thrown weapons:
• Targetted by steering direction
• Steering into opponent increases velocity

Game Logic:

• JavaScript getting fast, but still think memory is cheaper than processing in browser
• Lightweight AI chooses between invisible rails stored in memory
• Lightweight "Fun Physics"
• Two-player head to head on same computer would be fun -- how many simultaneous key presses do modern OS's allow?
• Fresh ads loaded each time a track loads
• No network play, at least at launch -- cheating opens up a big can of woes

Physics Engine:

• Basic 2d collision physics
• Cheats for not bogging down on large pileups
• Simple 3rd-axis physics -- tracks are still essentially 2d

Sending Content Down the Tubes:

• Google O3D samples VERY slow to load
• Use simple geometry
• Instance a lot
• All art assets have set URLs so browser won't re-download them if they're already in cache
• Light, smart use of texture maps
• Is it possible to generate procedural textures on client side in JavaScript? Gradients, simple repeats, noise, etc.
• Bone-based character animation

Why It's a Bad Idea:

• Could be turned out in a few months by a team of 4 or 5
• I'm one person
• Have studied the nuts&bolts of 3d, but getting O3D running well would likely take me months
• Animation:Master toolchain, less steep, but generally likewise
• Decent with JavaScript, but it would be the biggest project I'd ever programed by far
• Speculated much, but never actually written a physics engine
• Best at the art and animation side of things; still a lot of assets to create and perfect
• Advertising would be based on impressions, as there's no clickthrough
• Bandwidth costs wholly unpredictable
• Covering costs, never mind profitability, wholly unpredictable
• I'm good at art, but I suck at business
• I need to focus on getting more work NOW
• Another of my thousands of over-the-rainbow ideas

There.

New Marboxian Image

Nothing special. Just like it says on the tin:

Insurance Companies Are Not Qualified to Make Medical Diagnoses

Canada's CBC News reports on a Quebec woman with severe depression, Nathalie Blanchard, being denied sick-leave benefits after her insurer, Manulife, found pictures of her on Facebook smiling and engaging in social activities.

I've been going to Depression/Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) meetings for over a year now, in Los Angeles and Maine. (Think of a support group, then subtract the woo, jargon, god and other b.s.) I have my own experiences with depression, and I know people who've had it far worse.

According to the article, Blanchard is diagnosed with major depression. A running joke in DBSA groups is that you can tell the new people with depression from those with bipolar because they crack the most jokes. Without the high and low cycles of bipolar, one tends to grasp at any moment of levity that can be attained or generated. There's a common misconception that depression is a flat, constant low mood. This is rare. Typically one varies between extreme lows and more functional periods, with stops everywhere in between. One also gets very good at faking it for short periods of time.

Meds aren't a magic bullet either, more a set of blunt tools whose effects on any given person will be highly variable. Beginning treatment often means a period of medication roulette, where the prescriber and patient work to balance efficacy, side-effects and (in the U.S. at least) costs. In the long term, lifestyle adjustments, especially increased social involvement, are essential.

The bottom line is, if Blanchard wants to return to the working world, she's been doing exactly what she should be.

Manulife Insurance, on the other hand, took a very small risk, which makes perfect market sense. The chances of Blanchard fighting back the way she has were slim, and the financial savings for the company miniscule but real. Faced with the loss of their emergency income, many people with major depression would have retreated further into their shells. Some might have attempted suicide.

360 ° Panorama: Rockland Harbor Lighthouse

Rockland, ME.

Stitched together in Hugin from 33 camera phone pictures. Miller cylindrical projection.

Building the Shack, Part 9

Decided to sawtooth the rafters and use overlaid planks for roofing.

Recut the tops of the rafters with a jigsaw.

Put in a temporary floor to work on. Left a gap for the door frame. Had to cover the gap when the chipmunks started getting under the floor.

Tried to pound the ridge into place with a rubber mallet. Found that I'd placed one of the rafters wrong, and had to unscrew and move it. Height of the westernmost rafter about half an inch too short. Not going to worry about it.

Hard to tell from the picture, but the first snow of the season came, and I don't have the roof on. Will need to hurry it up.

Building the Shack, Part 10

Scrounged some old planks for the roof. Condition was poorer than I expected. Cut boards to size. Filled gouges, nail holes and cracks with wood filler.

Duct-taped vinyl gloves to my sleeves and painted roof planks with Coppercoat wood preservative. Smell didn't dissipate for weeks.

Hammered all but the topmost planks into place on a stepladder. Height difference of the westernmost rafter causing problems. Should be able to solve it later with trim.

Cross-braced the rafters to make sure the roof would support my weight. Strapped an extension ladder to the frame of the shack to get access to the roof -- wanted the frame to be holding my weight, not the ground at the base of the ladder.

Nailed final sections of roofing in.

Offered to haul off some aluminum rain gutters my friends had been meaning to take to the dump. Hacksawed and hammered a roof peak out of one. Pounded nail holes in the workshop. Covered nail holes on the underside with Gorilla Tape as an additional water stop. Nailed roof peak into place.

More on the Gay Marriage Ban Referendum

You go up to Appleton; you get your hair cut. You see a "No on 1" sign down on the verge. You park, you put it back up next to the "Yes on 1" sign. The grass was just mowed. You figure maybe they both got knocked over by the mower and the Yes people are just more vigilant about getting their signs back up.

You drive back to 131. You see another "No on 1" sign down at the intersection. You park, you fix it. You figure, hey, we had some rain and wind, maybe they both went down and the Yes people are just more vigilant about getting their signs back up.

You learn better as you pass the sign at the intersection of route 17, which has been spray painted. Not just marked, either: Someone had a stencil. Looks like they bugged out halfway through though; it's just a big yellow overspray mess unless you look closely.

On the common -- in your hometown -- you find a "No on 1" sign down. The stakes have been pulled out of the ground. One's been stolen. You come back with a hammer. You put the sign back up next to the "Yes on 1" sign. You'd be happy to do this for the Yes signs as well, but none of them have been vandalized.

You go down to the town office, and register to vote. This is your town too.

A Question for the "Yes on 1" Campaign

What's to prevent individual teachers from discussing homosexual issues now?

I get it. You don't like gay people. You don't know any gay people. It's not that big a deal, in real life.

The fact remains that if I like a girl I have the right to marry her, without any "seperate but equal" rejiggering. How could I, as a decent person, deny that right to someone else?

(Question 1 is a Maine ballot initiative to outlaw gay marriage.)

Building the Shack, Part 8

Walls went up today.

Clamped a strip of wood to a floor joist. Lifted the west wall into place, levelled it, and clamped it to the strip. Screwed the wall into the floor frame.

Lifted the north wall into place. Secured it to the west wall and floor. Removed strip and clamps from the west wall.

Repeat for the south wall.

Managed not to fall down the banking hauling the east wall into place. Attached it to the other walls and floor.

Roof next, if I can find the materials.

Building the Shack, Part 7

Scrounged some bricks and began trying to level the ground. Laid stakes at a desired level.

Big rock on the spot I selected. Started digging it out. Planned to get under it and tip it flat, then fill around it again.

Rock turned out to be bigger than expected. Afternoon was disappearing.

Found the "bottom" about 3 feet down.

Tried to tilt it with a plank. Wouldn't budge. Kept digging out around it and retrying. Realized I'd only uncovered the narrow end of a long, flat boulder. Gave up and filled the hole back in.

Decided to bring the floor frame itself in and see how low it could sit on top of the boulder's edge.

Repacked the dirt as much as possible.

Worked out the lowest point the floor could sit. Levelled the floor frame using the ledge as a fulcrum.

Set four sets of four bricks crossways to act as feet for a plank on the banking (east) side.

Levelled and packed the dirt, and laid a line of bricks under the west side.

Drove additional stakes to keep the east plank and bricks in place. Cut a second plank to fit north and south sides. Dug and set them in place.

Secured the floor to the planks with 3" screws, toenailed in alternating directions. Partially filled the inside with dirt.

YouTube Captioning: Morning Musume - Kanashimi Twilight

More at YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com. Create your own here.

Class in America: The "Good Schools" Myth

The day's favorite American euphemism for deliberate class stratification, "good schools," is back, this time from Nicholas Kristof in the New York Times. This one is doubly insidious because liberals are still comfortable saying it aloud. I bitchslapped Kristof's fellow white-flight New Yorker Malcolm Gladwell when he took this same call up a year ago, and since nothing's changed, I'll refer you to my post from that time, Malcolm Gladwell's Good Teacher/Bad Teacher Delusion.

Snip:

Don't blame students; don't blame parents; don't blame underfunded schools; don't blame distending class sizes, don't blame school funding being tied to local property taxes; don't blame artificial testing requirements devouring classroom time; don't blame required special education skewing dollar-per-student vs. results numbers wildly below magnet and parochial schools; don't blame the flight of your upper-middle class into homogenous neighborhoods.

UI: R. Clayton Miller's 10/GUI

Problems:

1. You just doubled the amount of space I need between myself and the monitor.

2. Multitouch allows for more kinds of interaction: true! However, this interface steals ALL of them away from use by the applications.

3. Left and right sides of the screen aren't discoverable. Might as well be top and bottom -- i.e. bottom of the screen for application launching (call it a "dock") and top of the screen for context-specific options (a sort of "bar" of "menus").

4. Linear spatial overload of windows is no better than two-dimensional spatial overload of windows. Labelled zoom-all-the-way-out cheat no better than Expose and application switcher.

5. Where does file management fit into this scheme?

Lukas Mathis calls 10/GUI "one of the most dramatic reimaginations of the desktop user interface I've seen in a long time" but on examination it's an incremental hardware update with no real interface breakthroughs. Keyboard + mouse has gone on for far too long, as has the W.I.M.P. interface. A better direction would be a tactile multitouch surface which can be anything it needs to be, including a keyboard (for any language), coupled with a GUI that represents tasks and actors rather than objects in a space. 10/GUI does nothing about window and document clutter, squinting, scanning large lists, or making the computer's workings and status an organic part of its presentation. The video may be a slick investors' reel, but shows no real progress.

Building the Shack, Part 5

Framed the west wall.

Nailed a strip of scrap into the gap at the foot of the door to maintain dimensions while working.

More cross laps. Picturing the shack something like a three-walled card house, with the east (picture window) wall bearing less of the load of the roof than the other three.

House painters walked off with a roll of tar paper I was planning on using for the roof, so back to the drawing board there.

Rafters next.

Retired Addiction

Underworld's Second Toughest of the Infants album

Velvet smooth electronica with teeth.

YouTube Captioning: Jungle Girl: Chapter 1, Death by Voodoo!

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kppat7eUAmE

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Hey Edgar, if you're just phoning it in these days, could you add some more tits? Thanks.

Starring
NOT ENTIRELY JOAN CRAWFORD

Starring
PUFF McMANMUSCLE

Starring
GOMER PYLE

And Featuring
DICK COCKY and WET STAINES

With
ONIONHEAD KLINGER and the BLACKFACE KID

A
DAVID DUKE
Production

Next Exit
GAS
FOOD
LODGING

Scene 3½

"Then how do we know about them?"

"Better schools," if you know what I mean. Posh assholes.

"An invisible plane!"

WE - MUST - STOP - WONDER - WOMAN - AT - ALL - COSTS

Speak of the devil...

Not so much scenes as notions.

Tag out.

"...monkey screwing little sh*t."

Marooned in the jungle with nothing but her wits and a book of Marks & Spencer dress patterns...

"In that python."

Shouldn't it have passed over by now?

Relax, they're just having a tailgate party.

Hands above your waist while running, that's a good girl.

JUNGLE GIRL!

"Jennifer Connelly too."

"Mom said it might get cold."

*thunk*

"Ow!"

It's been three seconds.

"If you know what I mean."

This'll be easy to smooth over.

Eventually...

Days later...

It makes you wonder why he didn't think of that.

Clearly, this is not southern California...

"How did you get here?"

"I think I know what you mean..."

Scene 17¼

Scene 17.999999999...

"If you know what I mean."

"That's my line!"

"If you... *cough*... know what I mean...."

"Well, besides that fiver..."

"Exposed her to fresh air, sunshine, and regular physical activity!"

Why is there a giant ear behind him?

Ice cream!

Well, he's secured TARP funds.

"Give up? A Hypocritical Oaf. Get it? Oh, I've got thousands of them."

"You just go start the plane..."

"Classic sitcom rules. Good."

"Stanton's not the sharpest pecker in the wood, if you... well, you know."

"Condoms..."

He should get some spackle for that wall back there too.

*click*

"You there! Are you chosen from the bravest men of the tribe?"

"No."

"See? Lying guards."

"Step through this awkward edit and I'll show you."

Did you get all that? It might be important later in the episode. Does anyone need a pencil?

"That should be enough white rice."

Anything?

"That shouldn't cause a problem."

PUSH IN

PUSH IN

PUSH IN

PUSH IN

PUSH IN

PUSH IN

PUSH IN

PUSH IN

PUSH IN

PUSH IN

PUSH IN

PUSH IN

PUSH IN

PUSH IN

PUSH IN

PUSH IN

PUSH IN

PUSH IN

Of course he does. You're playing him too, aren't you?

"...foxtrot."

"...freely exploitable workforce!"

Edited by a cokehead with his own used razor blades.

( JUNGLE GIRL! )

She'd probably laugh at the notion of a villain named "Bradley."

"Mercury is in retrograde!"

For what?

Even gunning people down he's got that hangdog "just finished masturbating" look.

(An even sillier sounding name than "Bradley.")

"What? Hey, that's brilliant!"

"I'll use my milkshake to bring them to the-"

"Don't put that in my head."

=0_0=

Man, the original Fitzcarraldo sucked.

JUNGLE GIRL!

At this point we're editing just to make it end sooner.

"Who?"

"What?"

"How?"

"Where?"

"Why?"

"Who cares?"

"Beat it!"

♬ ...you believe in life after love... ♬

They might as well be hiding behind a rack of postcards.

Their bow and arrows must have all jammed.

.oO(My friggin' hero)

ANTICIPATE

FOLLOW THROUGH

If you liked the daring stunts in 'West Side Story'...

"She should be cooked through."

"Well, I was burned to death, but..."

"What? What were you f*cknuts DOING out here!?!"

"To get knackered."

That we... saw.

(What spear?)Oo.

*BAMF*

"I'm here now!"

Chirpa? The chief of the ewoks?

Ooh. Awkward.

"Prepare to be nimble!"

"How fascinating."

"My nuts!"

NEXT WEEK
Chapter Two
A NIGHT ON SPLASH MOUNTAIN

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Building the Shack, Part 6

Framed the rafters and cut a ridge beam.

Still figuring out roofs. Went through a lot of revisions.

Used rise over run rather than angles as much as possible. Some bad math early on.

Pine a pleasure to cut on the tablesaw after all that rock-hard oak.

Rounded rafter ends a motif from early on in designs. Mirrored it with the ridge beam.

Might drill a hole and hang a lamp/planter/bird feeder off east and west ends of the beam.

Need to level the ground and lay a brick slab next. This is moving outside the workshop. Quixotic.

Panorama: Rainbow

Sennebec Lake, Union, ME, looking towards Appleton.

Stitched together in Hugin from 25 camera phone pictures. Miller cylindrical projection.

Panorama: Bald Mountain, Camden, ME

And Penobscot Bay, from Ragged Mountain.

Stitched together in Hugin from 21 camera phone pictures. Fisheye projection.

What Should We Do With Polanski?

The more I read about the Polanski case, the harder I find myself leaning toward witch hunt, but I'll remain on the fence. The pertinent data seems to be as follows:

Statutory rape is based on the assumption that a woman under 18 can not make rational decisions about her sexuality when confronted with an adult. This may be true. The US says that this girl could have in 5 years. Britain says she could have in 3. Other countries differ in either direction. In my opinion, the US is closer to the truth. Whatever the case, it's difficult to argue sanely that the crime is equal to that of a forced sexual assault against an adult woman.

On the question of force, we have two pieces of evidence. Less valuable are Geimer's recollections of her feelings at the time, which, as hard as it is to accept, were nearly useless when recorded 30 years after the fact. More damning is the application of methaqualone to the girl's drink -- at the time a popular grey market recreational sedative.

There is no pattern of action, unusual for a true sexual predator. Polanski has received no allegations of sexual misconduct in the years preceding, nor in the years since. His pregnant wife had been murdered eight years before the incident. Polanski has now been married for the past 20 years. A settlement was reached, Geimer has dropped charges, and wishes to see the whole thing forgotten.

But America can go a bit nuts when a crime involves sex, especially with a minor, even while lingering over its American Eagle ads. It can resemble a kind of ritual flagellation, and if that's the case no one deserves to be flogged for our own sins. As I said, I'm reserving judgement on Polanski, but there's a whiff of inquisition about this.

PAUSE

Building the Shack, Part 4

North and south walls will be indentical, so I've framed them together.

Dad had this 12" adjustable T-square with a 45 degree edge and a bubble level. Best tool ever made.

Windows will be on permanent hinges. Think it's best not to set them until the walls are assembled and the roof is on, to make sure the openings have squeezed into their final shape.

Getting the hang of some cross bracing tricks. Getting less picky on others. This is probably progress.

Had to deepen notches on one set of cross-braces after nailing the pieces into the frame. Slow.

Going through a lot of podcasts working down in the shop. Generally better than being being alone with my thoughts. "News Quiz" is back on BBC 4. Ace.

Still studying roofs. May be able to scrounge some old metal roofing, but will have to figure out a way to cut it.

West wall next.

Building the Shack, Part 3

Framed the east wall.

Mediocre joints. Still working too slowly and carefully.

Still haven't decided how to put the roof together.

Using nails here and there, when there shouldn't be sundering pressure. Having to pre-drill oak even to put nails in.

360° Panorama: Lobster Pound, Friendship, ME

Stitched together in Hugin from 32 camera phone pictures. Miller cylindrical projection.

Father and Daughter/From My Hands

This just about made me cry:

The video is 2000 Academy Award-winner "Father and Daughter," by Michaël Dudok de Wit. It's been mashed up with VNV Nation's song "From My Hands."

The Fetish Diary: Bandage Fetish

By now a well-known Japanese fetish, based on the injured Rei Ayanami character from Neon Genesis: Evangelion with a dash of Southeast Asian bird flu chic, I find I can't get behind this one. Perhaps it's meant to inspire sympathy, a desire to care for -- nurse a potential mate back to health and reap the benefits, but I'm always reminded of the line from William Gibson's Neuromancer: "Beyond them, at another table, three Japanese wives in Hiroshima sackcloth awaited sarariman husbands, their oval faces covered with artificial bruises; it was, he knew, an extremely conservative style, one he'd seldom seen in Chiba."

Building the Shack, Part 2

Replaced the frame of the picture window.

Removed the old goop and gave the window a preliminary wash. Cut a 1/2" x 1 & 3/4" channel into the new frame edges on the table saw, then removed the excess with a chisel.

Still need to improve at making joints, but started to get the hang of using a combination of bandsaw and hand saw to cut the corner bridles.

Used Silicon II to seal the glass into the channels. Fixed the corners together with screws.

Framing east wall next.

...As We All Must

Darwin Swag

YouTube Captioning: How to Build a Large Family

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.oO(That... bitch...)

"...for sex."

It's strangely hard to scrub the bullshit smell from a hyphenated URL.

"...or sobriety, or even the inclination..."

Often?

A) Family planning  C) Rupert Grint        

B) Bacon            D) Their daughters seek
                        to fill the loveless
                   void by getting
                    knocked up at 15

Wait, what? Back up...

?

?

?

?

?

?

?

"Building a warren of tents and shacks, if necessary."

"Somehow."

(Just not one-on-one.)

"...you try to remember their names..."

That is a dangerous twitch.

"Or help them with their homework. Which is good, because most of you probably can neither read nor write."

"Just take it! Take it, bitch! F*CK FOR JESUS! *sob* Daddy, stop hitting Mommy..."

You get a phone call in prison.

"...shepherds them, if you will..."

"Mommy, I have a nail in my head."

"Stop being so needy and demanding, dear."

Unlike your husband, a tool who doesn't work.

"But what do I know? I'm just a woman."

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Building the Shack, Part 1

Finished framing the floor tonight.

Old boards Dad sawed on the bandsaw mill unreliable -- variable thickness, width and straightness. A lot of it's warped.

Getting better at using long clamps. Trying to use screws as much as possible.

Will have to get better at cross laps and joints -- plan to use a lot to add stability. Need to get better at marking pieces too; wasted a lot of time with a backwards cross brace tonight.

Frame came out diamond-shaped by about an inch. Seems sturdy though.

May box in and seal picture window. Corner of the frame rotted, but building a new one seems beyond my skills. East wall next.

Email to Twitch Film

Reader for about six months. Love the site content, and the hard labor of love work you guys put into it. I've discovered so many great films because of Twitch.

Hate the new layout. Here's why.

The readable 1-3 paragraph intros of the previous format made it possible to browse articles and glean a bit of information about each project. The nice big images were equally browsing-friendly. It was much easier to guage your interest in an article without additional pageloads. The wall of tweet-length teases and postage stamp-sized images in the new format provide almost nothing in comparison. The new layout reads more like a reference site, where individual articles may be teased but most readers are expected to come for the search feature, than a day-to-day news blog.

The Slashdot/BoingBoing-style blog layout was a much better fit for the great content you guys provide. I hate seeing the alchemy of SEO plastinate another great site into a cluttered 2000-era portal.

Intransigent Design

A discussion swirled up this week on 3 Quarks Daily over an item about scientists Sean Carroll and Carl Zimmer withdrawing from BloggingHeads.tv after the site began including intelligent design creationists in its Science Saturday segments. The discussion was generally supportive of the scientists' decision not to support a platform that equates science with religion, with the exception of laudably non-anonymous Luke Lea of BornAgainDemocrats.com. My thoughts were as follows:

The scientific method can be applied to the study of anything that can be defined. It can't be applied to concepts whose definitions are constantly shifted around for the purpose of preventing science from examining them. We need to bear in mind the difference between a concept and a word game.

To present Intelligent Design uncritically -- and especially to give it equal time -- does a disservice to the public by equating it with science. I'm reminded of Dara O'Brian's skit about giving equal time to people who don't believe in outer space when NASA launches a satellite. Unless the Intelligent Design hypothesis can evolve into a falsifiable theory, it'll remain what it always has been -- a belief, comforting in its simplicity, but of precisely one cent less real world value than a lucky penny.

Mr. Lea responds, "Space toast: Space is an empirical concept, design isn't."

Luke: "Design" indicates a specific set of actions in 4-dimensional space. When I cut a board to size, I have designed it. When I measure once and cut wrong (sadly common), is the board still designed? What about if I find a use for it later? Indeed what if I find a board on the pile that's just the right size to begin with; is it "designed" for the purpose? While we're at is, how come trees are soft enough to be cut with metal blades, but hard enough to hold up an entire building?

It's a fun word game, but it's meaningless. The appeal of Intelligent Design creationism hinges on the common meaning of the word "design," but its philosophical assertions hinge on an invented cosmic special definition of the same word.

Design is a perfectly empirical concept, when one settles on a specific definition. It's only when ID's assertions come under attack that its proponents get "intelligent" and begin playing a definitional shell game.

And just to sate my own curiosity, is toast an empirical concept too?

YouTube Captioning: Theta Healing

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The Correct Response to Anti-Healthcare Wingnuts

Courtesy of Rep. Barney Frank:

The Fetish Diary: School Girl Complex

There's no nudity, but I can't quite call this photoset safe for work either. If anyone understands why that is, please let me know. (The same if anyone with a bit of Japanese can help give proper credit to the photographer.)

Shakespeare in the Pub: Auditions

Tuesday, August 11, 2009
The Badger Pub and Cafe
7:00pm - 9:00pm
289 Common Road
Union, ME

Come audition for a unique performance of Shakespeare's comedy the "Two Gentlemen of Verona." Please bring a short prepared piece, and be ready to show off your improv skills!

Retired Addiction

Stephen Pinker's How the Mind Works

It helps to have a passing familiarity with programming and self-organizing systems, but on the whole it's an extremely fun and readable introduction to how cells can compute. Pinker demolishes a lot of philosophical fortresses built around the ever-sliding concept of "consciousness" without even really trying. Scientists are never so gleeful as in the rush to explain what exciting things they've learned, and despite the book's length, that energy rarely flags. A highly recommended science read.

Who Was John Galt?

At the bookstore, I'm always amused that not one of the many people who ask for Ayn Rand's books seem to have investigated how to pronounce her name. America has just come out of the largest-scale test of Randism since Hoover, with similar results. Hers is the Golden Age comic book of political philosophies: a glimpse into a shiny world without moral grayscales. It's fun, at a certain age, but most of us grow out of it.

For those who simply can't stomach complex political philosophies, this is a very frightening time, and its reflected in book sales. "How much is Common Sense?" a customer asked the other day, holding up a copy of Glenn Beck's book. "It's right there on the back, sir," replied my manager.

YouTube Captioning: The Wizard of Oz (1933)

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God it pisses me off when people caption their own videos.

(Had you been reading the text above the grey box, you would have been bored and irritated too.)

I prefer my films in fully archival bubblegun card format, thank you very much.

He's a wonderful god?

(In the days before Wikipedia, people could be awarded entire posthumous generalships based on a misheard syllable.)

Hard to imagine how negro music could have taken the country by storm with jams like that floating around.

Dorothy, your, um... are showing...

"Throw this set of hex wrenches for me!"

Much better. Thank you!

No! Dammit.

(This sucks. I wonder what Emma Goldman's up to?)Oo.

Senator?

"Palpatine! Brutus! Cunningham! It's a twister!"

Hey, it took out the fence twice.

"I'm tasting the rainbow!"

"How come I'm not in color now!?"

Oh dear god.

"What am I feeling?"

"Why, that's just my turkey in the straw, little lady."

"Are... are you okay? Can glimpsing my panties help in any way?"

Man! Now how is he going to steal immortality from those who have returned to revenge his wrongs?

It won't last.

You were doing this at home!

Whore.

*crack*

"Oh god, my head! My f***ing head!"

"A piece of outsider art!"

"Oh, I simply must have it."

"Hand me your bolt cutters."

And Toto survives another assassination attempt.

Eh! That's crotch straw.

"I always knew you were stuffing, Scarecrow."

Yes, the horrible munchkins had left the Tin Man to rust within sight of the Emerald City -- perhaps as a warning to others.

Even the frame wants to see the wizard.

Oh god, bendyneck animation...

That was mercifully brief.

But now on to more animals doing it.

"Our corrupted eyes see through all blinds, children."

"Oh yes! Oh god yes! Shove that thoraxial spur in, you f***ing wasp!

"That on was still in your cooch!"

"What a horrible spectacle."

"What's that, Toto? Timmy the munchkin fell down a posthole?"

"IDs out, please."

Welcome. Please enjoy this sin against nature.

"Actually, it's spelled -I-E."

"How many centipede dogs do you think we have?"

Yay! It's Edwin Meese.

(Too sexy for my brass... Oh yeah you want this ass...)Oo.

I guess I don't remember the Flintstonian use of crows in the books.

"Throw them on the pyre to appease the Wizard! Hooray!"

Please god make it stop.

"I'm a horse of a different sanity."

"Why are we cheering these people again?"

"I totally hit that first!"

(That's what he thinks!)Oo.

"Since your fat ass fell out midair, the house missed my sister by a hundred yards! Hooray!"

The Wizard is defended by some effed up sh*t.

Do they do this for everyone who happens into the city, or just the real freaks?

If we have to endure this much Dorothy pantie, can they at least be Judy Garland's?

(PERSPECTIVE)

Wow, the original wizard couldn't disappear for a frame.

"Fresh meat! The hunger of the void is never sated."

The all-powerful wizard doesn't even have a matching set of chairs?

"Don't mind the electrical humming -- sit!"

= Comedy

So less a Wonderful Wizard than a Bar Mitzvah Magician.

...and they somehow find a way to turn it into crotches.

"Come play with us, Dorothy!"
"Come play with us, Dorothy!"
"Come play with us, Dorothy!"
"Come play with us, Dorothy!"
"Come play with us, Dorothy!"
"Come play with us, Dorothy!"
"Come play with us, Dorothy!"
"Come play with us, Dorothy!"

"We wish the WORLD into the Cornfield!"
"We wish the WORLD into the Cornfield!"
"We wish the WORLD into the Cornfield!"
"We wish the WORLD into the Cornfield!"
"We wish the WORLD into the Cornfield!"
"We wish the WORLD into the Cornfield!"
"We wish the WORLD into the Cornfield!"
"We wish the WORLD into the Cornfield!"

How is this mathematically possible?

If not for the heroic work of the WPA, American humor to this day might consist of little more than balloon people and buffalo shots.

The theory of Quantum Chromodynamics, ladies and gentlemen.

If ever oh ever a wizz there was, this is not it.

"Now fer the good schtuff!

.oO(Antifreeze!)

Well, good thing that went nowhere.

I knew evolution couldn't explain the Wuzzles.

So far I'm counting an orgy between a chicken, a giraffe, a gorilla, a stork, an elephant, a lion and a dragon.

Just eat that chicken -- it's genetically diseased, and it's goddamn insane.

"Toto! Why do you have to ruin all of my dates?"

"Wainscoting!"

You know what? Next time Toto waits in the car.

TIN MAN
STR: 8 / DEX: 5 / HRT: 0
CAN EQUIP: MELE
BONUS: AX +5
WEAKNESS: RUST

A thought he already broke his ax.

We've got a minute left -- shouldn't a plot have developed by now?

Even the Wizard wears grannie panties in this. What is he, Mormon?

All around the mulberry bush/
The honkies chased the beagle...

.oO(I lost them! Part one of my fiendish plan is complete.)

SCARECROW
STR: 2 / DEX: 7 / BRN: 0
NO MELE DAMAGE
WEAKNESS: FIRE
BONUS WITH: TIN MAN, MRS KING

...and that's where babies come from.

*Toto pounces and snaps its neck*

Did the explosion kill her other disease-spawned children?

Who's rocking the shell?

It is?

What is this, the manga version? That's the inside cover!

Capped by Space Toast
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YouTube Captioning: Porsche 911 GT2 v Corvette ZR-1

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♬
So don't neglect your blog!
Don't avoid your blog!
You can disregard me if you please
But don't ignore your blog!

An aging douche in £60 pre-distressed designer jeans trying to look casual? Yeah, it does.

It was the talk of the cotillion.

"...laughed off the whole Sarah Palin thing..."

Zdar One?

How many odd foot of grunt is that?

"We'll be testing them to see which one carries more groceries."

And a better naughty 69.

And...

They both run out of gas.

What a clear day. You can nearly see Leeds a mile in the background.

(•)
(•)
(•)

(•)
(•)
(•)

(•)
(•)
(•)

.oO(Can't believe that bitch left me. Who does she think she is? She'll pay. Sooner or later, they all pay.)

My uncle always said that Corvettes tend to pixellate at high speeds.

You guys do know you can do a freeze-frame without physically pausing the tape in the camera, right?

"I think about my ex-wife."

Every time you take a what?

(The audio recording quality is actually fine here. No known sound codec can reproduce this much Cockney.)

"He's not bloody Roy!"

"I'm sick now."

"And now he's going to Vonage."

Please stop mentioning your Speedo.

*passes Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock in a bus*

1.5 Miles

54.45sec     55.32sec
@174.11mph     @176.82mph

Runway Barrier

62.52sec     62.52sec
@0mph     @0mph

"Proving once again how large my penis is."

.oO(Don't mention hitting his cat)

"I'll make you a deal, mate... See, if you're in the market, mate, I know a bloke who knows a bloke, see..."

Huh?

"You'll smell better."

Douchrace 2000: The Reckoning

After being flown back to the other end of the runway on a specially modified Boeing 747...

*plays with the radio*

"...not really love."

Turbo Lad! Defender of British youth the world over!

Wait, he's sitting on the right! They must have flipped the footage in post to make the other guy look faster.

You can do it, Speed Racer!

"There goes Buckaroo Bonzai on my left..."

We call it the "get down part."

The stupider the thing is, the more money people will spend on it?

"...Neither of us got laid today, so that is a draw. I did, however, jizz, in my pants."

T.M.I. dude.

You'd be sitting in traffic reading the ultimate frisbee bumper stickers on the back of a Geo.

"That way, both of our sponsors, will remain happy."

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YouTube Captioning: Conspiracy Theory: Did We Land on the Moon? Part 1

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Manbags

In fact, they're mostly mistaken assumptions and half-assed guilt by association.

You are all individuals.

Why doesn't Fox News carry that disclaimer anymore?

IN A WORLD where rockets are shot into space...

The final episode of M*A*S*H*?

Okay. I don't believe it.

"The whole relationship, just the failed gamble of two people desperate not to be seen alone."

Paper or plastic?

Or whatever else we can find.

"The eagle is now picking up a tortoise to drop on that rock over there..."

I'm glad they took the time to interview a guy who thinks he knows everything but doesn't.

Tony Nelson?

Are you trying to tell me that Bush was actually pretending to be a complete idiot?

YOU MAKE THE CALL

[Insert melodrama here]

I hope this ends with Buzz Aldrin punching everyone involved in the face.

"Yeah, it's tied."

And promptly died of suffocation.

"Umm...what comes after nine?"

"I can't get 'Fly Me to the Moon' out of my head, over..."

Wow, it's so vaguely sexual...

Blasted in his face?

With no toilet stops on the way.

"Got really drunk and did some things they never spoke of again..."

"Read a few chapters of The Fountainhead..."

The ladies toilets? A theater showing Mamma Mia?

"No, your other right..."

("Sh***ing Our Pants Base" didn't quite have the same ring to it.)

Yes?

David Attenborough: "And here we see a footprint of the rare and probably endangered Neilius Armstrongius..."

Most of us don't wear tinfoil hats and build survival shelters under our garden sheds.

Now... what were they again?

"Crap, line?"

No, that wasn't it...

♬ ...Leap of faith, leap of faith...

So he knows everything there is to know about astronomy and space travel.

"For instance, we couldn't decide what colour we wanted the rockets to be."

Michael Bay's Apollo 13

Sikh the Truth

^
|
sane

...gave him a tingly feeling.

What channel was he watching?

"I mean, where was all the green cheese?"

"A cat chasing a mouse, and getting beaten up again and again? Preposterous!"

It was Fusie the Star Sprite!

"NOOOOO stars!" *irritating whistle*

It's almost like THE SUN WAS SHINING, you twits!

Waving... wobbling... whatever.

DUN DUN DUN!!!

Okay we admit it, we actually sent a woman!

And quite rightly, too.

"Morons, we call them."

"WE LOVE YOU, FLOCK OF SEAGULLS!"

These people will be found and eliminated.

Umm, they're paranoid and delusional?

Please, our government can't keep the lid on a couple waterboardings, let alone something like this...

"Beep beep! Woo! Aliens are coming, commander! They'll never take us alive, spaceman!"

Until he was fired for being mad as pants.

Please say you're only telling the documentary makers this because it's what they want to hear and you don't believe a word of what you're saying...

"...a ten billion dollar 'NEENER NEENER' at the Reds?"

In order to heal.

To the TARDIS!

People should never assume anything.

"They defined that as killing us all."

The Beanie Baby craze?

"...an America already terrified by the introduction of the Edsel."

Sputnik: Russian for "Daddy Long-Legs"

It carried "NU - C L E - AR" bombs. Get it right, people.

"But this footage of a large explosion says otherwise..."

Crap, are we doing the Watchmen trailer again?

Did these guys know what they were being interviewed for?

These people had been reading too much science-fiction.

Ha-ha, just a little joke from me, the narrator...

"Never tell me the odds!"

You're just making these numbers up as you go along, right?

"...Point zero, zero quillion, to the negative power of, like, infinity..."

Stupid rocket, you're not supposed to explode until you get to Russia!

Please. Tell.

"And the leprechauns never lie to me."

"...where did we get all the receipts?"

Why, through the magic of CGI, of course!

Since there's no way we can pretend it didn't actually happen.

It sent them to Pluto. CHEW ON THAT, CONSPIRACY PUSSIES!

"Hey Neil, if you don't come back can I have your stereo?"

Passing the time with a few games of charades and Zero-G Scrabble.

"...God created reality television, and seeing what He had done sealed it away in the dark places until the coming of the Antitaste."

"...and then Atlantis stole the missing Zapruder footage from the Reptoids."

Scorpio Zero, Capricorn leads the series by two.

So it MUST be true!

"Switch it to the Knicks game!"

"But we're planting an American flag anyway."

Which you already said was filmed AFTER the moon landing! Is NASA hiding a time machine too?

But it isn't.

Producer:
1. Gringo Wedding (2006) (executive producer)
2. Barbarosa (1982) (producer)
3. Hanover Street (1979) (producer)
4. Capricorn One (1978) (producer)
5. Extreme Close-Up (1973) (producer)

Self:
1. Conspiracy Theory: Did We Land on the Moon? (2001) (TV) .... Himself

"I also believe Bigfoot knows where Hoffa's body is."

The pudding is solid?

So let me get this right, they're putting a later piece of fiction forward as evidence that the moon landings were faked?

"...none of us actually had sex..."

Oh please. You can't even make your toupee look convincing.

Tv monitors! It's true!

*klieg light falls on astronaut*

But they somehow forgot the stars. Remember that.

I think you've had enough...

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YouTube Captioning: Hilary Duff - Seventeen Cover Cam

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Where's the rest of your nose?

All pop idols must be thoroughly wind tunnel tested.

Cameltoe Monthly, on newsstands now.

Which character from "Full House" is she supposed to be?

"That's me in there, but little!"

Remember this song when it sucked the first time?

Crap... Crap...

Girl in midground: "Is there a way we make the slutty jumberjack thing work a little harder?"

Come on, you've done it with people in your "genre of work" so many times...

"I'm still in there!"

Reconcile the madonna and whore archetypes?

Very famine?

"Bargain shelf porn."

And now the American-born Korean girl look.

Good idea. There's always work for a washed-up candy girl ten years past her prime who'd binge-exercised coke dimples into her face by 21.

"Education..."

"Not saying 'like' every third word..."

"Pile-ons..."

"Gwar."

"This career will self-destruct in five seconds..."

This is not a hip hop song.

Posing with the black monolith.

Do they have much use for the Nanook of the North backdrop?

"Now do Janet Jackson in the 'Scream' video!"

"Ha ha ha! You're touching my body! Usually only Disney execs get to do that."

And always remember: Future punchlines don't die, they just...

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YouTube Captioning: What Is Brain Wave Vibration?

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More or less by default.

(And even more bullshit stories.)

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow...

"Hello, you're on Car Talk."

"Yes, I keep hearing a brain wave vibration..."

Is this the apocalypse video from Gremlins II ?

The "Argument By Pun" logical fallacy, ladies and gentlemen.

And like the Master Control Program, it can be defeated by Jeff Bridges and Bruce Boxleitner.

Like the Snugee.

I guess.

.oO(I can HEAR the pastels!)

It's called "Not dying."

...that he could become a multimillionaire, and bang lots of hot American chicks if he renamed his cult "Dahn Yoga" and moved it to Arizona.

Unlike rocks, or teakettles.

Uh uh.

No. No. No. No. No!

Change my pitch up! Smack my bitch up!
Change my pitch up! Smack my bitch up!
Change my pitch up! Smack my bitch up!

Here they all are.

AAUGH!

Clots?

Dammit, do it! DAMN YOU!

*pukes*

Clearly.

You "choir" your mind down?

What about after the breakdown?

Into what?

"Better" is a bit vague here.

"HEY DON'T CUT AWAY FROM ME!"

(slash wallet)

How to put this delicately...

Except, you know, cancer and stuff.

Where's the keg?

And have more sex.

With more passion and energy.

With her? Sure!

*Warning: Brain wave vibration may cause yeast infection. Do not taunt brain wave vibration. Consult your doctor if you experience any results of brain wave vibration, as they may be a sign of a more serious mental condition. Void in Utah and Florida. These claims have not been verified by Oprah Winfrey.

YouTube Captioning: Mormon Messages: How Can I Find Happiness?

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And0988vdC4

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"The biggest consumer, Utah, averaged 5.47 adult content subscriptions per 1000 home broadband users..."
-ABC News

Then you're probably in Salt Lake City.

What do you think, chunky Beverly Hills Cop-era Paul Reiser?

You wonder if the lake-effect rain will ever lose input under an occluded front.

A neck brace?

"Thank you. Good night."

"...bigamy..."

"...xenophobia..."

"...filicide..."

So we live in Utah, to avoid that temptation.

"My picture!"

"Dad, you're squishing my picture too!"

"I f**** hate you two!"

Our degrading, precious bodily fluids.

Paul Reiser again?

First down. 12:21 on the clock. Romans have possession.

"Or cutting remarks."

"Suck iiiiiit..."

Messianic Apathetic

DC Comics Jesus #1 (August 1936)

"Are you gonna start the auction or not?"

No matter how many times "Scrubs" is on cable at any given second...

Please Pablo... Come to Florida...

(He's omnipotent, but touchy.)

"I don't really like thrillers so much..."

?

Wasn't that a "But..." ?

Capped by Space Toast
YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com

360° Panorama: Rowboat

Sennebec Lake, Union, ME

Stitched together in Hugin from 16 camera phone pictures. Mercator projection.

YouTube Captioning: Gundam00: Celestial Being

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J1RSeKeS-eY

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As opposed to whom?

Graham Norton, American supremacist.

Can we listen to something other than talk radio?

Mike Mulligan's steam shovel, no!

TONIGHT!
ON WWE RAW

The horrible truth of the Oneida Community...

Clogs?

"That's great, Mr. Lipman, but we were discussing Maria Bello's new movie...?"

.oO(Gotta... pee!)

"Ted, you ignoble bastard, is that you? I haven't seen you since Wallingford!"

"The Perseids! We're saved!"

That is one bitch of a reactor leak.

In the name of the Autobot, the Voltron, and the holy Gundam, amen.

"HEEEEEEEEELP!"

[Pronounced "GUN-da-MOO"]

.oO(I hate living in the revolving restaurant)

Just once I'd like to see a well adjusted young hotshot pilot.

Make it a yogurt, Señor Latte

You're workin' up anyone? Hell yeah

C'est Yoko. Party y'all are wee

My wish is so verby? Is it?

My suit is not that dweeby-collared

A suet pan to carry 'round

There's a war. Metal cannery

My life ain't too dear for your pay

Houdini cuckold made you talk heyyyyy...

BIGGER CHEST ^

^ ^
BIGGER CHEST

In my day, Sunrise just made bread.

That is one HELL of a greenfly.

"Ahh, Mr. Batch."

This is such great banter.

"I make the girls cream."

*squish*

"Will you shut up?"

It's tight as a drum, Boss Tweed.

"Lets get this over with. I've got tickets to Gwar tonight."

"Feeling kind of let down about life. You know. Just nothing really going on, I guess. Over."

"The plot!"

It takes a great leader to respond to a situation with peeved incredulity.

Airman Durr

"Engage the slinky under glass!"

(My girlfriends won't believe this unless I get a snapshot)Oo.

P.E.TA.?

Mobile Suit Redundant

"Warm greens in a fall wardrobe?!"

Evil McSmarmydick

The exposition has plenty of seating, and vice-versa.

Then let the battle of mockery begin.

A robot with a knife? How... "progressive."

Jump ball!

This just goes to show something, I'd imagine.

"And I said, 'Hey, what the.'"

Megamaid!

He's brave to try bangs.

"Distributing leaflets."

Top. Men.

Come on guys, they're only validating parking for another half hour.

Looks like someone only sprang for the basic liability...

Does he ever blink?

*laugh track*

"Oh Chandler!"

Thunderstarbugs are go!

Commander Rainbow Bright on deck.

The S. S. Stephanie Myers

"The perv."

"If it's not about 'Gossip Girls' I don't want to hear it."

One can of puce? You suck at tagging.

"You're totally gonna get us kicked out of prom!"

"I'm sure nothing interesting enough to require a change of strategy will happen."

- -
o

o o
[]

"Technobabble engaged."

Can I suggest a headband?

I thought Oral Roberts was heaven's pillar.

"It's as boring as it sounds."

"...Pikachu, Reddy Kilowatt, and the entire cast of 'The Electric Company.'"

*Chun Lee kick*

"But I find a bit of rouge and an eyebrow plucking intensely masculine."

*Chun Lee kick*

"Sorry! Sorry."

THEM MAKING THEIR MOVE: ACTUAL FOOTAGE

WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE IS AN ACTUAL MOVE BEING MADE

This might be exciting if we had any idea what the f*** was going on.

A bit late for the annoying sidekick-thing, isn't it?

"Thanks, Wilson."

YAAY! and/or BOO!

I'm thinking Elijah Wood and Johnny Depp for the live-action film.

"I can't believe you forgot to validate our parking."

Oh just kiss already.

"Anyway..."

*turns on bouncing suspension*

"Damn kids!"

Telstar Wars

THRILL as he Command-Plusses!

Incredible how? They - snuck - in - with - the - debris.

"Or dumb as hell."

"EVERYBODY SCRAMBLE! RUN AROUND USELESSLY! THIS IS AN ORDER!"

"I'll deal with those Space Argonauts later."

And who'd want to die a virgin?

"This diaper will just have to do."

Meanwhile, in our sparse, irritating party scene...

"I'm afraid your credit card is coming up declined, sir..."

Good thing small-talk has been eliminated in the future.

Next week on Space Psychics...

"Ohmygod, this is like... tho really happening!"

"I- I think. This interface is really confusing."

Daveigh Chase, would you move!

"-ass."

Who's fighting who, why do I care, and what the eff?

Oh god, not "Ghost Hunters"

"I was watching my stories!"

"Peas and carrots peas and carrots Gundam tentacle baka peas and carrots..."

"Roger that, Jughead."

"And yet I still feel empty."

Yes, but poorly animated.

Katie Couric: Serious journalist

*begins to strip*

*takes heavily mosaiced jizz shot*

NASA Denies Coverup

Sailor Moon!

See, the banks over-leveraged themselves by selling worthless financial products to one another. Some of them, called Credit Default Swaps, or CDOs...

Where do you get a wooden backpack?

*wokka chicka music*

"But instead I'll address it to you..."

"And we're here to take you on a ska journey..."

Trying to watch this sh** kids.

*left hand tries to strangle him*

"But it is an incentive..."

"Ratings."

RITZY TITZ CLUB
ATLANTIC CITY

"The irony is not lost on us, I assure you."

Crap, wrong cue card.

Dr. Pedant

If they hadn't, someone else would have.

A similar strategy worked at solving Blink 182's inexplicable popularity.

These guys aren't home yet?!

"That's like using toilet paper to eliminate toilets!"

"Anyway, did you find that Foreigner 8-track in the glove box? I've got a craving for Juke Box Hero."

"Kinky."

Man voice!

*KICK*

"Clams too."

3... 2... 1...

The Gundam Meister Meisterbergers perhaps?

♫ ROCK and rollin' pigeons!

♫ CRAAAAZY f***in' pigeons!

♫ FLAPPIN' for their lives!

♫ IN the rock & rollin' SKIES! WHAA!

These are the people who will find you on FaceBook.

.oO(The new XB-2-425-Z-KLYNV-78-C-Mark-235-X-6-Sigma-Alpha-Beta-Epsilon-14 is out!)

"Taxi!"

"Crap, this is an appliance store."

No panorama for you, jackass.

Mix & match!

"Stop in the name of love, I guess..."

I win!

...The Gundam Bunch!

Captain Lemon Meringue and her Crew
will return in...
THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUNDAM

"Ow."

ON THE NEXT GILMORE GIRLS

So, basically, Superman IV without Mark Pillow. See you then!

YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com

YouTube Captioning: Robin Hood: The Deserted Castle

More at YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com. Create your own here.

9w0rdlR9A4k

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"You're aiming for the apple, right?"

"Sure, yeah. Whatever."

And To
Awkward Phrasings

(Don't worry -- that won't make sense after the episode either.)

.oO(Crap, I forgot my horse lock. Maybe I can just lean it against the rail and fake it.)

*THWACK!*

"Yes, have you seen not you?"

"I'm glad to see when any thought makes you unhappy."

"Boink? I hope I hope I hope..."

Reply to: comm-4y6hb-127@craigslist.org
Date: 1184-07-14, 8:16PM GMT

FLASHMOB: LOLX0Rz lets all show up at 10 on Fri dressed as Snow White!!!!!! Itll be ****AWESOM*******!!

• Location: Sherwood Forest
• It be NOT ok to contact this postere with Services or other Fiduciary Matteres

"So, what, a squirrel got in your barn again, didn't it? I am so over this couple sh*t..."

Famous for its smokestacks.

"You're leading me off to my death, aren't you?"

"Not telling."

"Is this about that comment last week?"

"Maaaaaaaaaaybe."

"Look, I said the dress made you look fat; I didn't say you looked fat."

Your grandmother has this plate.

"So many useless old things, left to the ravages of time."

"Such a shame, this castle."

"What? Sorry, I was just thinking about 'Boston Legal.'"

He's got that classically dubious look of a boyfriend being told "Come see something wonderful!"

"Wait for the pan to finish."

Benny Goodman!

Careful, she can move in any direction.

"I thought she was just being a bitch."

"I'm sure no one will notice I've gone."

"NOT YOU, DINGBAT!"

The "Duke of Bedroom Your"?

A secret, passionate, romantic meeting.

"You get a biscuit."

Percocet?

"Excellent! I'll instruct my men to begins slaughtering Jews immediately."

Plan A: Just shooting them.

Were there many Jawas left in England by the late 13th Century?

"Though I do enjoy a good rogering."

"Tambourine?"

"Quietly."

BSG is done. Get over it.

"It's pointy!"

"Especially from three feet away."

"You mean my love glove?"

*cough* "What up, niggas? Me and my homies jus' chilling. What up wid j'all?"

Doesn't it take a minimum of two fingers to draw an arrow?

"Jesus, Todd! Discretion? Ever heard of it?"

The French are surrendering in fine form today.

"As you can tell by our accents!"

"We go freebooter here, if you know what I mean."

Candy?

Little John: The pilfering perv

Winged = Probably Killed

Asshole dogs?

"I had to sharpen my beard."

"Arrow through the gall bladder" being a rather difficult phrase to rhyme, I can understand why this particular incident never made it into the ballads.

Where the Redfern Goes

Are you disgraced?

"...shaving..."

*wets his lips*

"Meanwhile I urge you not to use the sense that god gave geese..."

"Indeed, he'll probably develop peritonitis, go into hypovolemic shock and die painfully within days."

Robin Hood's "merry" men

"Is there a good mechanic you can recommend?"

"More of a hostel, actually..."

"Don't worry -- the CCTV evidence is damning."

Speedy Justice Delivery!

"Too bad our horse budget's run out."

"Hey, quit getting off on this back there!"

Later, at the Prancing Louse Inn...

Oh, I see -- one of those "blue" boar inns.

"Wif! Ich am hoom!"

"And we take cheap comedy where we can find it."

But we haven't seen her bootie yet.

"What's this all about, Will?"

"Shhh! Shh."

In the days of theatre, being a pornstar was a very tiring business.

"Just until he dies of urinoma."

Cash, ass or grass.

.oO(What is that smell? Is someone roasting sheep testicles?)

.oO(They are! Magnifique!)

"They've nearly finished drowning."

"Oh!" *begins to strip*

Oysters? Ew.

"Nearly as desolate as your womb."

This is one of those inns that charges in 15 minute increments, isn't it?

"Hopefully before the fever takes you."

*picks up a pair of coconuts*

^            ^
|            |
(Speaking of which)

Mock turtleneck dresses never really caught on.

"My mother sent me to Waldorf school, I'll have you know!"

Why do they have mouse cursors on their chests?

"Was it Medusa?"

Oh it's on now.

That goes without saying.

"Anyway, I guess I'll just have a house salad."

Like a prolapse?

*begins to absently fondle candlestick*

"That's on the M1, right?"

The "Castle of the Roach"?

"Sheriff wants some alone time."

Did he just attempt a French accent? I can see why the director would have made him Costner it.

Yup. Rid-X time again.

"Forsooth! Welcome ye to Deserted Castle Burger. Be sure to ask for our Deserted Desserts menu."

XXIX. NO Freeman shall be taken or imprisoned, or be disseised of his Free

XXIX. NO Freeman shall be taken or imprisoned, or be disseised of his Freel

XXIX. NO Freeman shall be taken or imprisoned, or be disseised of his Freeh

XXIX. NO Freeman shall be taken or imprisoned, or be disseised of his Freeho

XXIX. NO Freeman shall be taken or imprisoned, or be disseised of his Freehol

XXIX. NO Freeman shall be taken or imprisoned, or be disseised of his Freehold

Robin Hood and His Useless Underlings

"Intern!"

"I founded the Ozark Mountain Daredevils!"

That must be one rusty 2x4.

Why the chem gloves?

"Sorry! The place is a mess. My brother crashed with us this week. Want to sit out at the gazebo?"

"Gesundheit!"

*rimshot

Midevil times: When everyone was blitzed and dehydrated 24/7, but it was better than drinking the water with the dead goat in it.

"Who's the rankest?"

*sluuuuuuuuuurp!*

"This is out of a box, isn't it?"

Ha ha! Oh the world was cheated the majesty of John Belushi playing Friar Tuck.

None for this kicky little woodwind ensemble??

"Sorry about all the panties..."

.oO(I still suspect nothing.)

"You idiot! That will abscess and lead to amputation!"

(Comedy)

Goes back to chopping trees, carrying lumber back to the keep, chopping trees, carrying lumber back to the keep, getting attacked by orcs, chopping trees...

Boltoned!

...are met here in secret with you.

[Improvise joke]

Minister plenipotentiary to Prince John...

Try Cantonese.

Has the back been redacted?

*floor collapses beneath one*

"A chunnel!"

You should have seen the mighty army he put in the field after taco night. Whew!

"A bear, two canoes..."

(I shouldn't have rounded off. I made it sound less plausible.)Oo.

"...with monkey power."

"...and we should race for a Covert Ops so we can build Ghosts."

Must be a footballer.

"Yes..."

*massive coronary*

(Crap, we didn't think of that.)Oo.

Duh.

"...the Eurosphere."

"The beach of course."

"Dover is so last year..."

You know,

There once was a young lady from Dover...

A whore of French interlopers?

Where can I get a whore of French interlopers?

"That old chestnut?"

Can... can we be allowed in on this joke? It sounds good.

Student Council sucks.

(Wit)

"A hippo?"

"Is that anatomically possible, even for Anna Pavlova?"

"But a life-sized butter statue?"

Tune in next week for more wacky antics with "The Molestaches."

*Clang!*
*Clang!*
*Clank!*
*Clank!*
*Clang!*
*Clang!*
*Clang!*

This week on "This Old Castle," freeman Thomas looks in on a dilapidated keep once owned by Prince Tyne the Finger Flayer.

"Mr Leach!"

"I mean I'll mince them, like meat. I realize that mincemeat hasn't been invented yet."

"That ought to satisfy the history buffs. Thanks Todd."

"BOTH OF YOU!"

Vague action sprints across the screen!

"Even the one about the badgers?"

"'Trial by a jury of his peers'? You idiots!"

Frenchman just don't understand how nice a foggy fortnight can be.

.oO(How... do I...?)

"Is that your hand?"

"I didn't say stop."

"God this makes my old loins steam..."

"But we only have three men, sir."

"I'll let the other two know."

Robin Albus Percival Wulfric Brian of Loxl

England: Where Dick is King

"Hey! Those placemats aren't free, you know."

"We've got him covered from three sides. Er, two sides just now."

"It really ties the neoclassical flourishes together."

In public?

Are they?

Backtrack?

"Mom! Stay out of this."

"I know that now because... um... because..."

French fries, Inspector Clouseau movies...

"Still, better than your friend who's gone gangrenous..."

"And into my drafty old castle."

Don't talk about the dauphins like that!

O.O

**

Rarely have I taken so little delight in a meal at the Diplomatic. From poor service to a drafty dining experience...

"Your permanent departure."

What happens when one of them needs to take a family/sick day?

"Do you want to get me written up?!"

"Call me Omar, your grace."

"Have you read this Geoffrey of Monmouth cat? Bitch must be tripping on something heavy. Merlin? Modredus? I mean, diz-am!"

"And I'm not even going to touch the one about the sheep entrails and the enema bag."

"Lets get a brewski."

Sloppy editorializing?

"Chatty old crone."

"BIG time."

.oO(Busted)

"Sir Elton John."

This is a desperate cry for help.

DJ Robin and the Hoods

"Look, I'm sorry I assasinated his third mistress. Will you just let it go?"

"That boy has fast hands."

Except childbirth, "frienemies," monthly vaginal bleeding, and the ever-present specter of rape.

"What did she say?"

"She said you're an asshole."

.oO(Thaaaat's it. Pussy whip him good.)

"R-Robin, actually..."

( ♫ Want to beeee the giiiiirl with the most cake...)Oo.

"Ow. Heels. Heels!"

The Greatest Show on Earth!

"Better get back to the torture chamber."

Boys Beware II: The Nonce Zero Chance

Good thing Bernadette didn't specify ellipses in her contract.

♫ Tolerated by the indifferent! ♫

Break it down!

Can you hire this theme song guy by the hour, when you're just out doing stuff?

They handled Ashley Hutchings?

...if often badly ♫

♫ With his box of men / ♫

*record scratching*

*beatboxing*

Capped by Space Toast
YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com

The YouTube Captioning Thing

I've built a new toy.

With it, you can create a caption track to play along with most any video on YouTube and embed it into a web page or forum post. Html, including images, can be used to style and enhance your captions.

Watch a Demo:

• What Is Brain Wave Vibration - Captioned

Getting Started:

• Go to www.SpaceToast.net/caption/editor.html
• Copy and paste a YouTube movie url into the address field, and click on Load YouTube Movie.
• Play the movie
• When you'd like, click on Add Caption. The movie will pause, and a new caption field will appear to the right.
• Enter any text or html you'd like. Use the < and > buttons to adjust the timecode.
• Play the movie again, repeat as desired.
• Previous captions are automatically hidden. Scrub the movie back to see them again.

Embedding:

• To embed your captioned YouTube movie in a webpage or forum post (provided the forum allows scripts), click on Create Embed Code.
• Copy and paste the code that appears in the bottom field wherever you'd like to embed the movie.

Saving and Resuming:

• To save your capping session, click Create Embed Code. Copy and paste the text into a plain text file.
• To resume a capping session, or continue with someone else's, paste the embed code into the bottom field and click Load from Embed Code. The caps and the movie you were capping will be automatically reloaded.
• Here's the embed code for the demo: vibration_script.txt

Sharing:

• I've created a blog of captioned YouTube videos at YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com

Report any and all bugs to me. Hope you have fun!

-----

To Do:

• Bug fixes? Suggestions?

Done:

• Fixed Internet Explorer compatibility (?)
• Fixed problem where the editor could goof up the order of captions.
• Create youtubecapper.blogspot.com
• Make sure that multiple embedded movies on the same page don't grind your system to a halt.
• Change the scripts into live embed code. No more going through me to get a play-only file: Just copy and paste the script onto a web page or forum post.
• Fix the caption player so that it doesn't miss captions when YouTube drops frames.

360° Panorama: Still Lost in the Fog

Breakwater, Rockland, ME

Stitched together in Hugin from 33 camera phone pictures. Miller Cylindrical projection.

RPG Stats Comparison

A comparison of the stats used to define a character across eleven popular videogame and pencil-and-paper roleplaying games. (20k PDF)

Not included on the chart are depletable scores. Each game seems to have a concept of Hit Points, a number representing the character's moment-to-moment health, with the possible exception of outlier EVE Online and it's complete lack of physical traits. Most games that invoke magic of one sort or another have a rechargeable score representing the total amount of magic which may be invested in an action at any given time. Wealth is typically also a depletable score.

All games surveyed also deal with situational bonuses. These may be weapons and armor, single-use or depletable items, or learned skills. Even games with simple stat structures like Shining Force II create highly varied play structures using such bonuses.

Being essentially combat-based, none of the games surveyed had more than one social stat, and the majority had none. For those that did, it was always "charisma" -- an ability to gain tangible favors from others. Combat-free games like Harvest Moon may deal more fully with a character's social aspects, but as a component of adventure storytelling it appears tellingly neglected.

360° Panorama: Rainy Day in June

Stitched together in Hugin from 50 camera phone pictures. Tripod. Equirectangular projection.

Retired Addiction

The Graveyard Book

It's a supernatural retelling of The Jungle Book with an overarching mystery running through each story/chapter. Is the final reveal good enough to hang the book on? Is it ever, in stories that are all about the fun of getting there? No... except in the case of The Graveyard Book. The only thing wrong with this volume is that you know people who don't own it yet.

Panorama: St. George River, Appleton, ME

Stitched together in Hugin from 25 camera phone pictures. Lambert Equal Area Azimuthal projection.

Panorama: Bald Mountain, Looking Toward Penobscot Bay

Stitched together in Hugin from 25 camera phone pictures. Miller Cylindrical projection.

SSC+PA Illustration

Larger version of the illustration for my short story "South Sea Company and Pan Am." SVG file here: Froth.svg

"South Sea Company and Pan Am"

"Evacuate Earth! We have fucked up. Evacuate Earth! We have fucked up..." vibrated every molecule from the core to the froth.

Pan Am had been born in the molten publics ten miles below seal-evil and had worked his way up through the Swiss Ocean to one of the hands below Upafrica. On a tip, he spent a month hiking through SkyMollRestaurant to 521248t8884, arriving days after the bottom fell out and being forced to keep climbing through the magnetosfear. He emigrated up a cable with a few million others when the crane attached to a rivet on its way to the new Jupiter trane, and found work partway up the arm joining pritses in a balancing trace.

South Sea Company was from the high froth above Captured, a weeliweil with braids in her hair. How she had ended up in the arc-overs with a depressing view of Zeeland, barely 7% in debt at age 22, was an even more confusing and picaresque story involving an older man and a broken heart. About a year later, she rode a claw down the north wall of the crane, made her way across, and began digging herself back up with an almost full time job leafing tops in the neighborhood below Pan Am's.

They made an unlikely couple, but it was an unlikely day.

By flashing the slosh tank the night before, Sears had managed to annihilate the business district. Part of the team from his shift had then cut away the remaining stays with hand explosives. As the nearby spires of Gibraltar painstakingly collapsed into the rising sea of flame, they -- 29 crane ports, a winchfield and part of the vessel under construction -- had become a free-floating lifeboat. They had no clippers or lift-sixes to get them to Mars, just a handful of strangers. It would be a perilous journey of several weeks, if the strangers worked at all. For some reason, everyone was still looking to Sears and his makeshift crew to decide what to do. He tried not to think about how many were dead, but he had a head for numbers: 64% of humanity already, with the chain reaction still burning its way upward into the froth. Every real ship had long since evacuated. Orbit was a snowstorm of shrapnel halfway out to the moons.

"Stress cracks are opening up everywhere," Sears announced. "Be ready. Everyone who hasn't, get as far inside as you can." His plan was unlikely to succeed. Their strangers were the cheap kind used in construction. They had only been used once, and only been meant to be used once. Something exploded.

"Someone try to vent the puffers," said Sears.

"I'm on it," said Kalashnikov.

"Captain Sears-"

"Very funny, Temple of Athena."

"Wasn't me."

"Me," said a young woman in the doorway, holding up her hand. It was South Sea Company. Her other hand held Pan Am's.

"Not now," said Sears, adding up their rate of tumble. "Flip the strangers," said Sears. The acceleration stopped. "Wait until we're facing away, then get ready to flip them again. We'll do something about this offcenter spin when we're clear of the arc-overs."

"Captain-"

"Do NOT call me that, South Sea Company."

"That was me, actually," said Kalashnikov. "One of the strangers just nuked Point Pleasant. Fourteen fatalities."

"638,529 people left aboard then," said Sears. "Left alive, rather."

"Aboard is fine," said Temple of Athena.

"We don't have running lights," said Tea Lagoon.

"What are you talking about, running lights?"

"There." Tea Lagoon switched on a red light at one end of their bulk and a blue light at the other. "Now we're legal."

"Legal for what?"

"Captain Sears..." South Sea Company began again.

"Will you stop calling me that?"

"We want you to marry us," said Pan Am.

South Sea Company smiled and nodded, squeezing his hand.

Sears turned to face them. "What is the matter with you? We're drifting for dear life through a wreckage field-"

"With proper lights," said Tea Lagoon.

"You should do it, captain," said Temple of Athena, tapping her hands against her chin.

"I am not a captain! This is not a vessel!"

"Well what would you call it?" asked South Sea Company.

"Ooh, what should we call it?" said Kalashnikov.

"Just stop, everyone."

"Somebody has to give her," said Temple of Athena. "Hey hey, can I?"

"Does somebody have to give him too?" asked Tea Lagoon.

"Seems fair," said Kalashnikov.

"I'll do it then," Tea Lagoon volunteered.

"Flip on my mark," said Sears. "Flip!" A groan echoed through the walls as momentum began to build again.

"Shit! Cut that stranger off!" said Kalashnikov.

"What happened?"

"Strangelets everywhere. Thing went inverse, just like that."

"Watch for gammas. They won't all spike before they invert, but it's the best we'll get."

"Roger," said Kalashnikov. Everyone watched tensely for the next several minutes as material fatigue made itself heard. "They're ready to flip."

"Flip."

Silence.

"Don't you need a witness, too?" asked Temple of Athena.

"I don't remember," said Pan Am.

"Stop. Just stop..."

"I'll witness," said Kalashnikov. "I was waiting for something to do."

Standard Oil and his team returned. "We've got Mu Mu welded down." He looked at Pan Am and South Sea Company. "What's going on?"

"A wedding!" said Kalashnikov. "The captain's doing a ceremony."

"Oh. Explains the running lights, in a roundabout sort of way." Standard Oil turned to Pan Am. "You the guy? Good show. I thought you two were fighting."

"It seems kind of silly now," said South Sea Company, twining her arm around Pan Am's.

"Yeah, I know what you mean." Standard Oil looked distant for a moment. "Crew! Get in here. We've got a wedding!"

"Like a real wedding?" Standard Oil's people crowded in, shaking Pan Am's hand and kissing South Sea Company's hair.

"Excellent. Lets get started," said Temple of Athena.

"I don't..." Everyone watched Captain Sears expectantly. "I don't even know the..."

"I found them," said Kalashnikov, passing the words to him. He read through them, stalling for time in the light of the boiling Earth.

"Fine, fuck it. 'Dearly beloved...'"

Big Big Update to the Bestiary of Geekdom

Added "Dittohead" and "Science Denialist" to the Bestiary of Geekdom, updated several ageing definitions, and gave it a thick new coat of spiff. Nosce te ipsum. Enjoy.

Panorama: Mt Battie, Looking Toward Penobscot Bay

Stitched together in Hugin from 29 camera phone pictures, mercator projection.

360° Panorama: The Lake, April 30th

Stitched together in Hugin from 20 camera phone pictures.

Retired Addiction

The "Silent Hill: Homecoming" Soundtrack

Same-ier instrumentals than 0rigins, but with vocal tracks that run the gamut from stirring to kick-ass. "This Sacred Line" will grow on you the most, but "One More Soul To the Call" will always be your favorite.

Dark Water: Thoughts on Horror

I'm beginning to wonder if Dark Water is Hideo Nakata's masterpiece. It drills down through the cosmic terror of The Ring to something far more intimate: The fear of abandonment. We see the child's fear of abandonment not only in the repeated scenes of one being left after the close of school, but in the adult characters eyes as, by proxy, they're forced to re-experience its gnawing toxicity. The water, the intrusion of darkness into the rainsoaked day, and the intrusion of water into the spaces and times it's not meant to be in all mirror that forgotten feeling. The breaking of a child's trust in the parent, which is also the child's trust in the world, is a trauma that even adulthood can't banish forever. Watching an imperfect single mother struggle to hold her own crumbling world together against that invading fear is heart-wrenching. All horror is psychological horror, crystalized in the moment of realizing one has been wrong. Dark Water is Nakata's most emotionally draining film and that, I believe, may make it his finest horror film. Hell is being alone forever.

Unnati Sitting

This was an older sketch that I overworked but never really finished.

The original Inkscape SVG (which should also open fine in Illustrator) is here: UnnatiSitting.svg

We Heart Superman: Episode 107: He Reports, He Decides! Part II

The thrilling conclusion of We Heart Superman!

-- Listen --

Click here to listen to episode 107:

"He Reports, He Decides! Part II" (MP3 format, 27MB)

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-- Credit, Swag, Love --

"We Heart Superman: He Reports, He Decides! Part II" Written and directed by Troy Minkowsky. Featuring Mike Devine, Christian Sterling, Gina Robbins, Lindsay LeClair, Dan Miller, Melissa McCue, Debbie Chiang, and Arturo Meneses. Sound and technical support by James Force and Adam Stugatch. Original Music by Subpar Costar. Produced by Matt Rasmussen. Superman created by Joel Schuster and Jerry Seigel and property of DC Comics.

Thank you for listening! We hope you have enjoyed We Heart Superman.

Panorama: Grassy Pond, Rockport, Maine

Stitched together in Hugin from twelve camera phone pictures, stereographic projection.

Panorama: Marsh, Windsor, Maine

Stitched together in Hugin from ten camera phone pictures.

Ignore Me Please

• India: Many of the most beautiful women in the world. Young men sexually obsessed with their mothers and overweight middle-aged aunts.
• Japan: Many of the most beautiful women in the world. Feelings of sexual inadequacy widespead enough to spawn the harem genre and a nationwide Lolita complex.
• Brazil: Many of the most beautiful women in the world. Whole lot of fucking going on.

Score:

• India: 0
• Japan: 0
• Brazil: 1

360° Panorama: Hollow, Union, Maine

Second tripod test, with closer foreground. (The stump is about 3' away.) Stitched together in Hugin from twenty camera phone pictures.

Remixed London Antiterror Posters

Persuant to the British Transport Police's recent set of remarkably paranoid posters, three remixes:

360° Panorama: Brook, Union, Maine

This is a test of a tripod mount for my camera phone. I'd like to be able to shoot scenes with a nearer foreground. (Even at ranges of 50' or more, and even steadying the phone against stationary objects, I've been having problems.) Right now, the phone is a bit too loose, and can only be panned, not tilted. The parallax differences between neighboring images is vastly improved though.

Stitched together in Hugin from 19 camera phone pictures.

New Raq Scribble

Panorama: Brook, Union, Maine

Panorama a Day concludes with #10. Stitched together in Hugin from eleven camera phone pictures.

We Heart Superman: Episode 106: He Reports, He Decides! Part I

Can nothing stop the juggernaut of LEX NEWS?

-- Listen --

Click here to listen to episode 106:

"He Reports, He Decides! Part I" (MP3 format, 23MB)

-- Subscribe --

Get We Heart Superman automatically downloaded to your iPod or Zune! (Because somewhere, somebody has a Zune!)

Subscribe with iTunes or Zune Marketplace:

Or point your favorite podcatcher to: www.spacetoast.net/STP/podcasts/superman/podcast.xml

-- Friend --

Visit our MySpace page at MySpace.com/WeHeartSuperman.

Join our Facebook group, "We Heart Superman".

-- Credit, Swag, Love --

"We Heart Superman: He Reports, He Decides! Part I" Written and directed by Troy Minkowsky. Featuring Mike Devine, Christian Sterling, Gina Robbins, Lindsay LeClair, Dan Miller, Melissa McCue, Debbie Chiang, and Arturo Meneses. Sound and technical support by James Force and Adam Stugatch. Original Music by Subpar Costar. Produced by Matt Rasmussen. Superman created by Joel Schuster and Jerry Seigel and property of DC Comics.

Thank you for listening!

Panorama: Woods, Union, Maine

Panorama a Day #9. Stitched together in Hugin from 16 camera phone pictures.

Panorama: Field, Union, Maine

Panorama a Day #8. Stitched together in Hugin from 28 camera phone pictures.

360 Panorama: Sennebec Lake, Maine

Panorama a Day #7. Stitched laboriously together in Hugin from 33 camera phone pictures.

Vertical Panorama: Henry Coe State Park, California #4

Panorama a Day #6. Stitched together in Hugin from 19 camera phone pictures.

Panorama: Henry Coe State Park, California #3

Panorama a Day #5. Stitched together in Hugin from 21 camera phone pictures.

360 Vertical Panorama: Henry Coe State Park, California #2

Panorama a Day #4. Stitched together in Hugin from 17 camera phone pictures.

Vertical Panorama: Henry Coe State Park, California, #1

Panorama a Day #3. Stitched together in Hugin from 16 camera phone pictures.

Panorama: Route 101, North of San Luis Obispo

Panorama a Day #2. Stitched together in Hugin from nine camera phone pictures.

Panorama: Sun Valley, California

Panorama a Day #1. Stitched together in Hugin from eight camera phone pictures.

Vertical Panorama: West Hollywood, California

Looking east toward downtown LA. Stitched together in Hugin from 6 camera phone pictures.

The Car

Unable to find work in LA these past four months, I now have to move back East. The following are thoughts I should be dissuaded from...

• The value of having a car is c, which is undefined.

• Flying back to Maine costs about $201.
• A flight from LAX to BOS costs about $160.
• One checked bag costs $15.
• The bus from Boston to Portland costs $26.

• If I get the asking price, I will lose $600 on the car.
• I paid $1900 for the car.
• The purchase price was $1150.
• The new radiator, belts and tires cost $750.
• I am asking $1300 for the car.

• Driving back to Maine would cost a minimum of $562.64.
• Replacing the rear struts would cost about $310.
• Gas would cost about $252.64
• The average fuel price is currently $1.855/gal.
• The driving distance is 3,158 miles.
• A 1991 Geo Prizm averages 23 MPG highway.

QED: If I sell the car for $1300, I will lose approximately the cost of the trip, plus c.

Unfortunately, this decision has more or less been made for me; whatever I can recover on the car is cash in hand that I'll need to get through the next few months in Maine. On the other hand, if I'm still unable to find a buyer after another week or so...

Panoramas: Will Rogers State Park, Los Angeles, California

360° panorama, looking south over Santa Monica Bay at center. Stitched together in Hugin from 16 camera phone pictures.

Vertical panorama from a higher elevation. Stitched together in Hugin from five camera phone pictures.

Image of the "bridge" on a ridge between Will Rogers and Topanga State Parks.

Freezepop's Future Future Future Perfect Album

I've got moods for Freezepop, and I consider that progress as a human being.

Future Future Future Perfect is their latest album. "Do You Like My Wang?" and "Afterparty" are absolute abortions, "Ninja of Love" and "Brainpower" are merely tired, "Do You Like Boys" and "He Says She Says" are cute enough, while "Swimming Pool," "Less Talk More Rokk," "Pop Music Is Not a Crime" and "Thought Balloon" are each excellent.

Freezepop is gen-x (anyone who got to ride the dotcom bubble) smitten with hipster (mop-topped little douchebags) -- kids older than me crushing on kids younger than me. It is a little creepy, and at its best that's why it works. There's an undeniable distance in line two of "The music is loud/ The kids are so young/ All over the world/ They want to have fun." It's the sense of loss of a geeky girl who got cool too late in life for her dancing queen moment. The game of scenesterism has the same rules as Logan's Run.

The juxtaposition of self-awareness with cutesiness is inherently pathetic. (You've been reading the Space Toast Pages.) "Frontload" gives away a desperation musically that the simple take-me-out-tonight lyrics try to conceal. "Swimming Pool" paints a nostalgia so heavy it smothers. The sense of being in the right place spatially but not temporally is what rescues Freezepop from its more precious moments. Future Future Future Perfect is at its best when it acknowledges that cutesy self-awareness really betrays a painful desire to be wanted.

The Greatest Photograph Ever Taken

From Quentin and Jessica D. via the Cute Overload blog.

Pete Seeger and Bruce Springsteen Perform "This Land is Your Land" at the Obama Inaugural Celebration Concert

Panorama: Runyon Canyon Park, California

Looking back toward Los Angeles. Stitched together in Hugin from 15 camera phone pictures.

Darwin in Love

"In September of 1837, Darwin suffered palpitations of the heart, which would plague him throughout his life. Recuperating in his home town of Shrewsbury, he was introduced to his cousin, Emma Wedgewood, who mended his heart, and then won it. Charles Darwin and Emma Wedgewood fell in love, but ever a man of method, he drew up two lists. One called 'Marry,' one called 'Not Marry,' and he worked through the pros and cons. He concluded that 'A constant companion and a friend in old age' outweighed 'Less money for books' and 'The terrible loss of time.'"

--Melvyn Bragg, from "In Our Time: Darwin, Part 2" on BBC Radio 4
The Darwins had ten children.

Panorama: West Hollywood, California

Stitched together in Hugin from 37 camera phone pictures.

Afternoons With Mr. Noonday

"We are not a duo! You're a heavy little demon who won't get off my back."

"Think about it. I'm always by your... side. Pointing out danger. Listening. Maybe you've forgotten, but you called me."

"Why the hell would I call you?"

"Because you are so alone in this world."

-----
Fifty word flash fiction. See also:

• "Mr. Noonday"
• "More Fun With Mr. Noonday"

Second Panorama: Half Moon Bay, California

Stitched together in Hugin from 5 camera phone pictures.

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