The Space Toast Pages

Matthew Rasmussen's journal of journals on various topics of interest, published here, there or somewhere since 1999.

Retired Addiction

Sailor Moon (Abridged)

Redubbed, shortened, edited episodes of "Sailor Moon," exaggerating the characters and lampshading the absurdity of the show. Somewhat funnier than watching a cat fall off something on YouTube, in aggregate. On closer inspection, it's one good voice actress doing the leads and production chores, with some friends tagging along. Remix-happy fun.

360° Panorama: Sennebec Lake in January

Appleton, ME.

Stitched together in Hugin from 38 camera phone pictures. Cylindrical projection.

"Psycho Too"

Words by Will Self. Illustrations by Ralph Steadman.

The sequel to Psychogeography. Another long essay (this time on Dubai) followed by collected columns on the theme of "psychogeography" -- the intersection of psychology and location. Rereading the first volume, it's not my imagination that the essays are less focused in Too, but it's an intriguing read. Steadman is best known as Hunter Thompson's illustrator, but this book again confirms that while Thompson may have begun to decline by the late '70s, Steadman never even slowed down.

A few snippets:

*****

You will die in a hotel room -- I will die in a hotel room; we will all die in a hotel room, because at the moment of death -- with Larry King on CNN, looking like Kermit the Frog, and with angels playing the worst muzak ever -- you, me -- we -- will all realize that our accommodation has always been temporary. I showered in the desalinated Arabian Sea, turned off the air conditioning and swooned in the homogeneity. Dawn swam down on me through dynasties of dreams -- couplings of eunuchs and multiple wives, real-estate agents hard-selling me office space in the seraglio -- I went to the window and looked out across the residential suburb of Al Sufouh, to where on the horizon sunlight gilded the Burj Al Arab, and for a moment you could almost believe it was a minaret and this was a populous city with a human scale. (p. 43-44)

*****

The hermit who most influenced my own life was called Peter Buxton. He lived in a curious hut which adjoined the even more curious cottage of an old friend of my father's in a Suffolk seaside village. Creek Cottage was a series of ramshackle wooden extensions bolted on to an inner sanctum of ordinary brickwork. In the extensions bunk beds were fabricated at odd angles and inappropriate heights, many of them furnished with their own bookshelves and plant boxes. You could lie all day under an exploding eiderdown, reading Charlie Chaplin's autobiography and listening to the creak of weatherboarding, while the tendrils of a spider plant tickled your nose. Or else venture outside into a soused world of salt-water creeks, reed beds and sand dunes, with a derelict windmill in the mid-distance signalling the victory of the elements. (p. 83, 85)

*****

Ah! Dancing -- it's wasted on the young. When you're a young man, in the full blush of burgeoning sexuality, dancing can be a bit of a torment. As I bopped to 'Killer Queen' in my asinine, bell-bottomed trousers, I could never quite rid myself of the suspicion that my every spasm and contortion was being filmed by secret cameras, and that soon this footage would be screened in the local Odeon, so that all my so-called friends could come along to laugh and point.

True, young women seem to dance quite happily together, but I don't believe them to be where they physically are when they do it. Rather, they are transported into a parallel bower, and here they frolic, like stateless naiads. The male dancer is an agonized demonstration of putative prowess, a mapping out of desire: 'Come to my place,' the he-bee buzzes, 'I've got lots of alcoholic honey.' By contrast, the dancing queens are so many pretty blooms all in a row. The more they move, the more they remain static, luring us insects into their flytraps. (p. 135)

*****

When night falls, we leap into our Chrysler MPVs and race in convoy through the faux-adobe towns and parched hillocks of the hinterland, to where temporary car park attendants wave torches, assigning Porsches and Ferraris to the dusty ditch. We debouch, and follow soused starlets, tottering like newborn foals on high-hoofs, into parties organized for friendless internet billionaires by unpopular retail millionaires. Barmen mix mojitos with all the time in the world, while you wait in a queue of hair care product tycoons and Russian wives-by-the-hour. A man taps you on the shoulder: he once sold you a shirt, in Soho, in the last millennium. (p. 79, 82)

360° Panorama: Near the Breakwater, Rockland, ME

Stitched together in Hugin from 19 camera phone pictures. Miller Cylindrical projection.

YouTube Captioning: Father Knows Best: Margaret Goes Dancing

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"On a quiet little street, in a town not unlike this one..."

As the Old Guy

As His Daughter

As the "Help"

The Sun Myung Moon Story

Drop it like it's hot.

Ball-less?

         .
        o
       O
(My god, how many of these things are going to fit in her ear?!)

"We haven't wife-swapped in YEARS..."

Someone skipped a line.

"...because you're wanted felons..."

Female character acting has come a long way.

Female character acting has come a long way.
Actually, no. Judging by the current crop of sitcoms. No. No it hasn't.

"...I just don't care."

"The drag club he liked, but that was his idea."

The classic nervous, When-is-this-going-to-get-funny? laugh.

"Or at least being chased by it."

Piglet. Tigger. Eeyore, even!

"...a letter of marque for the Jim Hutchens Gang."

"...the wacky music suggests something stupid is about to happen."

"This really isn't our class of people."

"It might go off!"

"...visiting Grandma."

It's a BANJO. That's reason enough.

A .30 calibur M1 rifle -- WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS!?

Well, he was your homeroom teacher.

BURN!

"Psst! Zuul? I got your money."

A waffle cone and a pack of ham?

"You were a mistake with the milkman. What's the matter -- did I say something wrong!?"

MERKLE! MERKLE! MERKLE!

"...as long as they don't sleep in the same bed."

"I mean, he'll hit you and stuff..."

"It's a metaphor. Christ, how much thalidomide was I taking when I squirted you out?

"He's swinging his belt. Is that bad?"

"But I thought I was your sister."

"NOT THAT ONE!"

"...he does get violent when he's drunk."

Back then, feminism consisted of gently suggesting a salad dressing.

"Oh Mum! I've never ridden in an ambulance before."

YOU CALLED HIM BY THE WRONG NAME! RUN!

*hyperventilates*

"The Indochina thing will be handled shortly, Cuba and the Suez Canal are quiet, and that b-actor on 'General Electric Theater' has finally stopped making movies. What could possibly go wrong?"

"No hit, Jim!"
"I TOLD YOU TO CALL ME DADDY!"

"Those squirrels can be drowned in the morning."

"Maybe after his fourth bourbon."

And comedy is narrowly averted.

"My son's an imbecile."

"It means one drunken U.S.O. afterparty and she's got you for 18 f***ing years, kid."

"Mind, son. Not naughty bits."

"Is that different?"

"For them, yes."

"Like any hint of inner life or personality. Don't worry, I'll crush them."

(Blowjob)

Look, the return in and of itself is not comedy.

Look, we know it's Beefeater.

"Well, Bud said his music teacher was over all afternoon..."

Something tells me that "old one of his" is long past rescuing.

↑
WARMING UP HER WRIST

"Who told the imbecile he could speak?"

More than we can say for your acting.

"...b*tch."

ZIPPER
↓

"If we could publicly acknowledge homosexuality yet, I'd call him all sorts of things."

Mr. Ed has horse sense, after all.

Get what?

HANDJOB
↓

WHAT IS?

"You should see the tracks on Mertyl's duvet!"

"Shnookums, I told you never to call me here."

IMDB Goofs for
"Father Knows Best" (1954)
¥ Anachronisms: Ed drives a 2010 Nissan Leaf EV.

"Time for the belt."

"How do you arrange a wife-swap?"

"I mean, how bad can modern dance be?"

You'd better fiddle with more buttons than that, dear.

Phylicia Rashad would've bitchslapped him and dragged his ass to the car.

"All the kids are getting tattoos."

"Kids! Call Dr. Werther. Your mom's about to fall down the stairs."

"Right about you, anyway."

(White Male White Lie #1)

(White Male White Lie #1)
(White Male White Lie #2)

"To 'step up to the streets.' WHAT streets?"

(We don't even lie about that anymore.)

"Or the Achy Breaky?"

"Everyone who's having sex tonight."

OH! SNAP!

"Do it like they do on the Discovery Channel."

"Annoy the f*** out of me, like the children?"

The neighbors have seen "Boys Beware."

"Like bring me to orgasm."

Was that funny, or darkly Arthur Miller-ish?

Scientology?

"Get myself a hooker..."

(Ladyboys)

"Do you even still have a Stepford Card?"

You really shouldn't read the Wall Street Journal past the financial pages.

"...during the War."

"Tit jokes..."

Watch America's favorite nearly-divorced couple, Friday nights on CBS Television!

"From getting married?"

Old age penis?

Looks, it's just called a "club" to get around Salt Lake City's alcohol laws. Stop overselling it.

I thought you were tired.

"...with the devil."

"Bland and limp as our soulless decade!"

I am...

He's clearly the child deepest in denial.

Jane Wyatt in Father Knows Breast!

"Change in front of me again!"

"Piss off."

The Dance of Divorce

"YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER TALK ABOUT MY HEAD!"

"...And tell her she's a whore."

"...Oh no wait. I do. I was thinking of something else."

"10 minutes. Eight dollars and fourty two-"

I'd get to third base with 1954 Ann B. Davis.

"...with those ladyby, jubblie things..."

"Yeah, she'll probably do a better job for less pay, but still."

A KNOCK at the door. Henpecked Ed enters,
looking henpecked.                        
ED
(henpecked)
May I come in?    

"I'm not speaking to the c*nt."

A decade so bland clubs didn't even have names.

"Much like those hard-working Koch brothers."

It's so awkward talking to someone you met in A.A.

.  
o
O
( Look at that sweet ass go. )

"In a Margaret Thatcher kind of way."

"There might be new ideas to confuse me there."

"Now, I'm not saying I've invited several men over tonight..."

No, the timing conversation was about birth control.

"...A titty bar is no place for a teenage girl to be calling."

"What the f***, mom?"

 W I F E
  H A T E

"You been talking to the Feds?"

Prison. Prison...

"Started asking questions, ya know what I mean?"

Charlie from Vietnam?

Polygamy AND child marriage?!

"Anyway, Blue 4."
"Reverse Direction."
"Skip."

"I'm vaguely ethnic, so zhat will be vonderfully creepy!"

He's HUGE!

Never any professional love for the Robot.

"This is called the Korean War."

"Clancy the Clown."

COMMIE!

"I'm sorry. I was trying to make you die with my thoughts."

"If you think you're man enough."

♪ With your feet in the air and your head on the ground/
Try this trick and spin it... ♪

"No you idiot. We were arguing over Liza's mammaries."

(And subsequent cryogenic freezing.)

"Yeah, your wife usually wants seconds."

When did you retire from teaching?

Contacting joke             
 
 

Contacting joke.            
 
 

Contacting joke..           
 
 

Contacting joke...          
 
 

Contacting joke....         
 
 

Contacting joke.....        
 
 

Contacting joke......       
 
 

Contacting joke........     
 
 

Contacting joke.........    
 
 

Contacting joke..........    
 
 

Contacting joke..........    
Establishing Connection
 

Contacting joke..........    
Establishing Connection
Negotiating joke            

Do the Warsaw Pact!

"DID I MENTION I'M VAGUELY ETHNIC, MIZZ LADY!?"

"That's what the milkman always says."

That would make one of us.

"That's what the milkman always says too."

"I never want to see any of you AGAIN..."

*squeeka squeeka squeeka*

They say he improvised that line.

It was night. I felt the urge to kill rising in me...

Drops it on the Craft Services table, and...

"Heh. Heh. Heh. (Quiet up there!)"

Whose hand is that!? ↑

"That's okay. We've gassed most of the wildlife."

      .
   o
O
(Don't look in my room, don't look in my room, don't look in my room...)

Clearly they've missed the point of the Ouija Board.

Old Blue? It's two words.

How can you not use foreign words in American English?

No manual stimulation! No foreplay!

I believe her.

"Don't sass me, ho bag."

*smack!*

"I'm in deep to this bookie."

"Nothing new there."

"I sent bombers over the Dew Line -- it's your turn."

C A S T R A T I O N

"I was in the basement laboratory, and..."

HE'S BEHIND THE DOOR!

Maybe he went to that Bluegrass concert next door.

Black people, but you'll do just fine stealing it.

"SHUT UP!"

Away to the window I flew like a ditz
Tore open the shutter, and threw up in fits

♫ You want this money then you've gotta be a bad b*tch... ♪

Let this be an object lesson in nostalgia.

"God you suck."

*closes the window, locks the door*

"That you stop hitting the children."

I don't believe this really is Spanish.

That's a klieg light with a gobo.

Booger check.

DDT.

"F*** ME NOW!"

"Oh sh*t. We have kids."

And it's ending, one day at a time...

Par for the course, if you like P.G. Wodehouse.

Oh god, they're going to be devouring milk and olives off each other.

"Then I settled for you."

*takes the olives, leaves*

CRACK!

Talk... about... foreshadowing.

How did he ever get around to directing Clooney in Three Kings?

Roswell Rogers sounds like a guy who should be in New Mexico selling alien bobbleheads out of a pop-top camper.

The credits are encountering turbulence...

♬ Hand jobs, come get your hand jobs... ♫

(More famous for "Partridge Family 2200 A.D.")

Capped by Space Toast
YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com

YouTube Captioning: ALLERGY - A MAJOR BREAK-THROUGH IN CURING MOST HEALTH PROBLEMS!

Dozens more captioned YouTube videos, including several complete feature films, at YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com. Create your own embeddable captioned YouTube videos here.

F8F_kggRo7k

You need Flash player 8+ and JavaScript enabled to view this video.

YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com

ARIAL: THE OFFICIAL FONT OF QUACKDOM

I don't trust any doctor who can't afford a shotgun mic.

"The pain of a two year old makes me feel nothing."

"...none."

REBOOT

"NEEEEeeeeeeeeEEEEEERVOUS system."

Not if you're choking.

"What? DON'T JUDGE ME!"

We don't?

ARE you a doctor?

I only ask because there appears to be a boating poster where your diploma should be.

New V8 Heroin!

Like Windows XP.

But a bitch ain't one.

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>                               

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TA                             

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE                           

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELE                       

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRI                   

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRICITY               

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRICITY               
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly! 
>                               

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRICITY               
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly! 
>BU                             

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRICITY               
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly! 
>BURN                           

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    
>TAKE ELECTRICITY               
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly! 
>BURN IT                        

Not Jodi BENSON!?!

But what about heroin?

Do you need a magazine? You look like you're full of sh*t.

I always get this guy at the express checkout.

"Add a rhinestone..."

Suppose away.

He calls it Health Scam?!?

"...except in your anus."

Enough for what?

Things.

Aside from your personality.

Not the Antikythera machine.

*Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.
?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.
?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
*%‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.
?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
*%‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
$!#‡#%‡† Not a legal health claim!

*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.
?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
*%‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
$!#‡#%‡† Not a legal health claim!
&?!*%‡#%$!#‡#%‡†!?! Not a legal ?‡#%$! health claim!

But the franchise goes downhill after Health Scan X-2.

o_O

-_-

/  \
o_O

/  \
>_<

/  \\
..o_O..

/^\\
..o_0..

He said, not making eye contact.

You must have travelled widely to be a quack.

Wouldn't they just buy a scheming little dink like you out and make trillions on the patent?

Quinannually?

What percent of that percentage was pulled out of your ass?

I notice you haven't electrocuted that thing off your face yet.

"Lick a 9v battery every day, and..."

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!

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