Matthew Rasmussen's journal of journals on various topics of interest, published here, there or somewhere since 1999.
The management is not responsible for lost or stolen towel cards. Should your towel card be lost or stolen, you will no longer have access to towels.
YouTube Captioning: Hello! Project Egg Interviews
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Auditions
When I was young I got a corpse sniffing dog.
Mom said I could earn extra money, but we never really found much. Except for that Philippino mob hit one time.
You f****** don't know what the f*** you're straight f****** dealing with.
I will straight f*** you up until you don't know your taint from the Pillsbury f****** doughboy.
You b****-a** c*** mongling ball-snorting p***-holes better step off before you're yelling, "Don't pop my a**!"
However, if my demands are not met, the consequences for you, your economy, and your very way of life will be incalculable.
I am not mad, but have been driven to this mad act by your myopic refusal to see reason. Join me in this bright future, or oppose me and meet your destruction!
But people don't realize that Alan Thicke is also a composer. How talented is he, right!?
Still Not Quite Human was really the apex of the trilogy. (Jay Underwood was so cute!) Who but Alan could have pulled off Dr. Jonas Carson a THIRD TIME?
My friend's turtle got gas, so we took it to the vet.
And he said it wasn't a turtle, it was a weasel. And we're like, if it's a weasel then why doesn't it have a shell?
Punch and kick are all in the mind. But they're also in the fist and the foot. Fortunately.
Head butt is in neither. Elbow -- that one's what you think.
When I'm ready, sensei will explain how that will stop an attacker from hitting me.
Charlie was deep in the wire, and we knew we'd only get one chance to break out of that sh**.
Ffolkes was holding his entrails in with a mess tin. A f****** mess tin. Whoever patched that bastard up should've got drinks and dinner first.
The kids at school always tease me because my mom is a giraffe.
Mom says being different is okay. As long as you're tall, and can eat leaves high up. She says she's disappointed in me too.
Hello? Who are all of you? I'm very frightened right now.
I was walking past a van. And now I'm here. I don't know where my family is. I'm not even sure what country I'm in. Please send help.
Salmon can have sex anywhere they want.
I mean think about that for a minute. I don't mean I want to have sex with a salmon, but...
Have you heard the Good News about Amway yet? F***!
Amway is not a multi-level marketing scam. It's a multi-layered investment sales organization! And that's way different!
Holy f***, are any of you as stoned as I am right now?
You ever look at your mouth? I mean like really look at your mouth, while you're talking? Look down at your mouth, right now. I'm serious. Say, "Blah blah blah."
No one happens to know a good lawyer, do they? It's important.
I don't want you to get the impression that I've done anything. But if you do know a good lawyer...
Last week my class voted me Most Likely to Be Mistakened for a Charlie Brown Character.
I guess it's funny, but I still feel like a ticking bomb of rage, ready to explode. Which must be what happened to Charlie Brown eventually, right?
And who could forget the climactic Russian Roulette scene from The Deer Hunter? Four bullets!
I can't even get through a movie unless it has at least one Russian Roulette scene. Hi Mom!
I'm sure you'll have some cosmic rationale.
But here you are in the ninth... two men out and three men on. Nowhere to look but inside... where we all respond to pressure. Pressure!
The thing that's really destroying this country? All the sex perverts!
What should the penalty for autoerotic asphyxiation be? Hang em! Deep throating? Weird stuff? What do you think? Hang the bastards!
As an earthling, I am very interested in this concept of "waffles."
Please convey me to some ordinary Earth form of waffle. I will gladly exchange up to five pieces of paper for them.
I don't understand -- why do they call it horse racing? The horses always win.
It's smart of those people to sit on the horse's back. Horses are a lot faster than men. But what they should do, is at the end they should lean out front and jump right off. You know, right before the finish line. Photo finish! Men win! Yay! You know?
I believe that you should speak. With. Punctuation.
Nothing. Contributes. More to verbal. Misunderstanding. Than missing verbal. Punctuation episodes.
I'm not wearing blush. I'm having a strong allergic reaction right now.
It might be the air up here. Let me check.
F*** . . .
That didn't seem to help either. It might be this fabric. I'm kind of allergic to everything. Listen, I'd better go find my rescue inhaler. You guys all just chill. I'll be right back, and we can start over. Okay? Okay!
Urban Segway tours. Have you seen these? I have a tip.
Loosen the couplings with a #5 torx screwdriver. The second that thing gets up a good head of steam, the wheels come right off. Welcome to my crib, a**holes.
If you experience an erection lasting more than eighteen hours, it may be necessary to consult with a pharmacist -- even a recreational pharmacist -- like me.
Allow me now to demonstrate the pain of an overlong erection... Interpretively.
While it may seem like fun to sport a multi-hour erection on a bus, plane, or the civic club of your choice, please use caution and remember this: The penis is not a sundial.
There are many popular bands in the world today now.
Manifold, as one of these current bands, distinguishes itself with the use of a snare drum. They play the snare drum with sticks like this.
Despite all this, Manifold remains popular only among a circle of fans. I may have even made it up!
Okay, and then -- you're seriously not going to believe this -- but, like, I'm totally serious, okay...
She's being all, you know, and I'm like -- obviously, I'm like, whatever. So she and this other girl are all like, eh? And here I am, like, didn't she totally start this in the first place? But that wasn't even the really important part...
Can you believe her? So then I'm like, whatever, and she's all like, whatever! And I'm like, "As if!" -- and she's all, "As if?" -- and we're just like "As if nothing..." And she's like, "As if nothing nothing." Can you believe it!? Totally bullsh*t, right? Then we put on the wigs and crossed into Finland.
We appreciate you coming in for this interview at Retail Sports.
Unfortunately, the management is not able to offer you a position at this point in time.
Please do not worry whether our decision hinged in any part on your gross lack of physical fitness, or on your poor choice of clothing. But due to both of these limitations, I fully expect the door to hit your a** on the way out.
The Rest -
Actually, it's not me. It's entirely you. I just thought you should know that.
It's kind of funny, actually, because you're probably thinking, "Oh, I must have done something..." And you did. Practically everything wrong, in fact. And maybe you're wondering if you were lame in bed, and guess what? Hole in one! You should really stop doing that ear thing for STARTERS...
Hey there! Japanese Velma here to share with y'all.
We almost had the case solved. Obviously it wasn't "the man" in some form or other, because that would be against Japanese conformity. Clearly it was either a disgruntled maid, a disgruntled watress, a disgruntled waitress at a maid cafe, or an American.
Maybe a disgruntled American working in a maid cafe? Nah, that only happens in anime. So Shuki and Skoubi got high as balls on blowfish treats, we set a trap, and it turned out to be a pedophile. Again.
I WILL POUND YOUR BALLS INTO THE GROUND! I WILL TEACH YOU THE MEANING OF PAIN!
You slimebag maggots don't deserve to be 4-F'ed under the letterhead of my beloved Corp! I will destroy and rebuild you! The first and last words out of your holes will be "cutie pie," do you understand me? Bunny hop drills -- 15 -- now! Move it, worms, or there will be no shortcake!
Greetings from the 2011 Miss Soybean Tokaido (North)!
Most people don't know that soybeans are a major source of many things. Hey, watch what I can do...
Soy...
Soy... bean!
I should probably explain that my father cornered the market on soybeans in northern Tokaido over the past six years. Cross him, and you will be CRUSHED.
Hi! I'm auditioning to be the Fat One.
Even though I'm trim and in good shape, I have a slightly wide face on camera. I could be an icon to the faux-open-minded!
Hi! Batsh*t F***ing Crazy One, reporting for duty!
You ever start stabbing your life-sized character pillow, and you realize it's not a pillow? Awkward. But what are you gonna do, stop?! Cosplayers should know better anyway. Stabby stab! ...Hi, Mr. Agnew!
Assaulted by
Cute
Cute
They already packed up the boom mic, but I still want to audition for a Hello! Project girl group.
My dream is to be famous for four years, then struggle with a solo career for another six or so.
Check out this pout.
Eventually, I'll abandon my suffocating dreams and become a history teacher or something. I might have a chance of achieving some happiness by, oh, 2025? Coolies!
>HP: 0
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Hello folks! Thank you for joining us. I'd like to welcome you all to another fun riff with the YouTube Captioning-
DAH!
If a synth hit that heavy doesn't save you, the '80s hold no salvation for you!
In the Beginning, there was an awkward silence...
WITH '80s LOVE FROM
WILSON PHILLIPS
WILSON PHILLIPS
We are just working Adobe Premier 3.1 here.
The Thomas Haden Story
Ahh. The born-again Baldwin.
"Verily, as ye have done unto the least of these Baldwins, so have ye done unto me" --Celebs 3:41
Yeah? Tea?
Waa hoo raa!
And now ended. Nice going, Sister Celibacy.
"To dissipate. Perhaps nucleate a raindrop."
(By men obviously. We never finish anything.)
Gentrification?
Wherever quality churches are sold!
Before the invention of science, a candle had to be a candle in the darkness. Functional, but lacking in poetry.
"...Voltron style..."
"...and potlatch..."
"...right across from the laundromat."
Among other things.
The ax can't wait until noon?
♬ "...Jesus don't want none/ 'Less you got buns hon..." ♫
And one that claims to be a cheap knockoff. They're weird.
Human nature?
Oh, this is a terrible art gallery.
We're going in, we're going in FULL THROTTLE! That aught to keep those Papists off our tail!
Geez, get a plant 325 A.D.
And coming soon to Copley Square, Cleveland Circle and The Shops of the Prudential!
Is anyone else seeing an upside down cock & balls?
"...loser James..."
*cough* Nepotism! *cough!*
Kinky!
Even the parts that aren't cruel or nonsensical?
God's all wise, he's just not a very clear communicator.
"...It ended in a pie fight."
15 axes? Are we sure none of them were splitting mauls?
#1. Point cannon away from face.
Faith in Santa.
Legionaries wore Birkenstocks?
The mothers didn't trouble their pretty little heads over it.
"...and sculpt ever more elaborate brass dandelions."
"It's still wet."
Count Dooku?
(90 years. Men. Gotta love us.)
↑
Bored sick
Bored sick
"Look, a penny."
"Look, a penny."
"Look, a penny."
"Look, a penny."
"Look, a penny."
"Look, a penny."
"Look, a penny."
Meanwhile, Islam.
"They are as exciting as they sound."
What about the Coptics?
"Jesus! Shut your head off! We're trying to sleep down here."
Just like "Joey" on NBC.
You'd think God would have seen this coming.
1. The unification or trinary nature of the Trinity
2. Godzilla
2. Godzilla
"...bowl cuts."
Baldwin's voice has a comforting "what the sh*t-ness" to it.
>HP: 0
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"On a quiet little street, in a town not unlike this one..."As the Old Guy
As His Daughter
As the "Help"
The Sun Myung Moon Story
Drop it like it's hot.
Ball-less?
.
o
O
(My god, how many of these things are going to fit in her ear?!)
o
O
(My god, how many of these things are going to fit in her ear?!)
"We haven't wife-swapped in YEARS..."
Someone skipped a line.
"...because you're wanted felons..."
Female character acting has come a long way.
Female character acting has come a long way.
Actually, no. Judging by the current crop of sitcoms. No. No it hasn't.
Actually, no. Judging by the current crop of sitcoms. No. No it hasn't.
"...I just don't care."
"The drag club he liked, but that was his idea."
The classic nervous, When-is-this-going-to-get-funny? laugh.
"Or at least being chased by it."
Piglet. Tigger. Eeyore, even!
"...a letter of marque for the Jim Hutchens Gang."
"...the wacky music suggests something stupid is about to happen."
"This really isn't our class of people."
"It might go off!"
"...visiting Grandma."
It's a BANJO. That's reason enough.
A .30 calibur M1 rifle -- WHAT DO YOU THINK IT IS!?
Well, he was your homeroom teacher.
BURN!
"Psst! Zuul? I got your money."
A waffle cone and a pack of ham?
"You were a mistake with the milkman. What's the matter -- did I say something wrong!?"
MERKLE! MERKLE! MERKLE!
"...as long as they don't sleep in the same bed."
"I mean, he'll hit you and stuff..."
"It's a metaphor. Christ, how much thalidomide was I taking when I squirted you out?
"He's swinging his belt. Is that bad?"
"But I thought I was your sister."
"NOT THAT ONE!"
"...he does get violent when he's drunk."
Back then, feminism consisted of gently suggesting a salad dressing.
"Oh Mum! I've never ridden in an ambulance before."
YOU CALLED HIM BY THE WRONG NAME! RUN!
*hyperventilates*
"The Indochina thing will be handled shortly, Cuba and the Suez Canal are quiet, and that b-actor on 'General Electric Theater' has finally stopped making movies. What could possibly go wrong?"
"No hit, Jim!"
"I TOLD YOU TO CALL ME DADDY!"
"I TOLD YOU TO CALL ME DADDY!"
"Those squirrels can be drowned in the morning."
"Maybe after his fourth bourbon."
And comedy is narrowly averted.
"My son's an imbecile."
"It means one drunken U.S.O. afterparty and she's got you for 18 f***ing years, kid."
"Mind, son. Not naughty bits."
"Is that different?"
"For them, yes."
"Is that different?"
"For them, yes."
"Like any hint of inner life or personality. Don't worry, I'll crush them."
(Blowjob)
Look, the return in and of itself is not comedy.
Look, we know it's Beefeater.
"Well, Bud said his music teacher was over all afternoon..."
Something tells me that "old one of his" is long past rescuing.
↑
WARMING UP HER WRIST
WARMING UP HER WRIST
"Who told the imbecile he could speak?"
More than we can say for your acting.
"...b*tch."
ZIPPER
↓
↓
"If we could publicly acknowledge homosexuality yet, I'd call him all sorts of things."
Mr. Ed has horse sense, after all.
Get what?
HANDJOB
↓
↓
WHAT IS?
"You should see the tracks on Mertyl's duvet!"
"Shnookums, I told you never to call me here."
"Time for the belt."
"How do you arrange a wife-swap?"
"I mean, how bad can modern dance be?"
You'd better fiddle with more buttons than that, dear.
Phylicia Rashad would've bitchslapped him and dragged his ass to the car.
"All the kids are getting tattoos."
"Kids! Call Dr. Werther. Your mom's about to fall down the stairs."
"Right about you, anyway."
(White Male White Lie #1)
(White Male White Lie #1)
(White Male White Lie #2)
(White Male White Lie #2)
"To 'step up to the streets.' WHAT streets?"
(We don't even lie about that anymore.)
"Or the Achy Breaky?"
"Everyone who's having sex tonight."
OH! SNAP!
"Do it like they do on the Discovery Channel."
"Annoy the f*** out of me, like the children?"
The neighbors have seen "Boys Beware."
"Like bring me to orgasm."
Was that funny, or darkly Arthur Miller-ish?
Scientology?
"Get myself a hooker..."
(Ladyboys)
"Do you even still have a Stepford Card?"
You really shouldn't read the Wall Street Journal past the financial pages.
"...during the War."
"Tit jokes..."
Watch America's favorite nearly-divorced couple, Friday nights on CBS Television!
"From getting married?"
Old age penis?
Looks, it's just called a "club" to get around Salt Lake City's alcohol laws. Stop overselling it.
I thought you were tired.
"...with the devil."
"Bland and limp as our soulless decade!"
I am...
He's clearly the child deepest in denial.
Jane Wyatt in Father Knows Breast!
"Change in front of me again!"
"Piss off."
The Dance of Divorce
"YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER TALK ABOUT MY HEAD!"
"...And tell her she's a whore."
"...Oh no wait. I do. I was thinking of something else."
"10 minutes. Eight dollars and fourty two-"
I'd get to third base with 1954 Ann B. Davis.
"...with those ladyby, jubblie things..."
"Yeah, she'll probably do a better job for less pay, but still."
A KNOCK at the door. Henpecked Ed enters,
looking henpecked.
ED
(henpecked)
May I come in?
looking henpecked.
ED
(henpecked)
May I come in?
"I'm not speaking to the c*nt."
A decade so bland clubs didn't even have names.
"Much like those hard-working Koch brothers."
It's so awkward talking to someone you met in A.A.
.
o
O
( Look at that sweet ass go. )
o
O
( Look at that sweet ass go. )
"In a Margaret Thatcher kind of way."
"There might be new ideas to confuse me there."
"Now, I'm not saying I've invited several men over tonight..."
No, the timing conversation was about birth control.
"...A titty bar is no place for a teenage girl to be calling."
"What the f***, mom?"
W I F E
H A T E
H A T E
"You been talking to the Feds?"
Prison. Prison...
"Started asking questions, ya know what I mean?"
Charlie from Vietnam?
Polygamy AND child marriage?!
"Anyway, Blue 4."
"Reverse Direction."
"Skip."
"Reverse Direction."
"Skip."
"I'm vaguely ethnic, so zhat will be vonderfully creepy!"
He's HUGE!
Never any professional love for the Robot.
"This is called the Korean War."
"Clancy the Clown."
COMMIE!
"I'm sorry. I was trying to make you die with my thoughts."
"If you think you're man enough."
♪ With your feet in the air and your head on the ground/
Try this trick and spin it... ♪
Try this trick and spin it... ♪
"No you idiot. We were arguing over Liza's mammaries."
(And subsequent cryogenic freezing.)
"Yeah, your wife usually wants seconds."
When did you retire from teaching?
Contacting joke
Contacting joke.
Contacting joke..
Contacting joke...
Contacting joke....
Contacting joke.....
Contacting joke......
Contacting joke........
Contacting joke.........
Contacting joke..........
Contacting joke..........
Establishing Connection
Establishing Connection
Contacting joke..........
Establishing Connection
Negotiating joke
Establishing Connection
Negotiating joke
Do the Warsaw Pact!
"DID I MENTION I'M VAGUELY ETHNIC, MIZZ LADY!?"
"That's what the milkman always says."
That would make one of us.
"That's what the milkman always says too."
"I never want to see any of you AGAIN..."
*squeeka squeeka squeeka*
They say he improvised that line.
It was night. I felt the urge to kill rising in me...
Drops it on the Craft Services table, and...
"Heh. Heh. Heh. (Quiet up there!)"
Whose hand is that!? ↑
"That's okay. We've gassed most of the wildlife."
.
o
O
(Don't look in my room, don't look in my room, don't look in my room...)
o
O
(Don't look in my room, don't look in my room, don't look in my room...)
Clearly they've missed the point of the Ouija Board.
Old Blue? It's two words.
How can you not use foreign words in American English?
No manual stimulation! No foreplay!
I believe her.
"Don't sass me, ho bag."
*smack!*
"I'm in deep to this bookie."
"Nothing new there."
"I sent bombers over the Dew Line -- it's your turn."
C A S T R A T I O N
"I was in the basement laboratory, and..."
HE'S BEHIND THE DOOR!
Maybe he went to that Bluegrass concert next door.
Black people, but you'll do just fine stealing it.
"SHUT UP!"
Away to the window I flew like a ditz
Tore open the shutter, and threw up in fits
Tore open the shutter, and threw up in fits
♫ You want this money then you've gotta be a bad b*tch... ♪
Let this be an object lesson in nostalgia.
"God you suck."
*closes the window, locks the door*
"That you stop hitting the children."
I don't believe this really is Spanish.
That's a klieg light with a gobo.
Booger check.
DDT.
"F*** ME NOW!"
"Oh sh*t. We have kids."
And it's ending, one day at a time...
Par for the course, if you like P.G. Wodehouse.
Oh god, they're going to be devouring milk and olives off each other.
"Then I settled for you."
*takes the olives, leaves*
CRACK!
Talk... about... foreshadowing.
How did he ever get around to directing Clooney in Three Kings?
Roswell Rogers sounds like a guy who should be in New Mexico selling alien bobbleheads out of a pop-top camper.
The credits are encountering turbulence...
♬ Hand jobs, come get your hand jobs... ♫
(More famous for "Partridge Family 2200 A.D.")
>HP: 0
YouTube Captioning: ALLERGY - A MAJOR BREAK-THROUGH IN CURING MOST HEALTH PROBLEMS!
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ARIAL: THE OFFICIAL FONT OF QUACKDOM
I don't trust any doctor who can't afford a shotgun mic.
"The pain of a two year old makes me feel nothing."
"...none."
REBOOT
"NEEEEeeeeeeeeEEEEEERVOUS system."
Not if you're choking.
"What? DON'T JUDGE ME!"
We don't?
ARE you a doctor?
I only ask because there appears to be a boating poster where your diploma should be.
New V8 Heroin!
Like Windows XP.
But a bitch ain't one.
There is an ELECTRICITY here!
>
>
There is an ELECTRICITY here!
>TA
>TA
There is an ELECTRICITY here!
>TAKE
>TAKE
There is an ELECTRICITY here!
>TAKE ELE
>TAKE ELE
There is an ELECTRICITY here!
>TAKE ELECTRI
>TAKE ELECTRI
There is an ELECTRICITY here!
>TAKE ELECTRICITY
>TAKE ELECTRICITY
There is an ELECTRICITY here!
>TAKE ELECTRICITY
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly!
>
>TAKE ELECTRICITY
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly!
>
There is an ELECTRICITY here!
>TAKE ELECTRICITY
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly!
>BU
>TAKE ELECTRICITY
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly!
>BU
There is an ELECTRICITY here!
>TAKE ELECTRICITY
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly!
>BURN
>TAKE ELECTRICITY
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly!
>BURN
There is an ELECTRICITY here!
>TAKE ELECTRICITY
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly!
>BURN IT
>TAKE ELECTRICITY
SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly!
>BURN IT
Not Jodi BENSON!?!
But what about heroin?
Do you need a magazine? You look like you're full of sh*t.
I always get this guy at the express checkout.
"Add a rhinestone..."
Suppose away.
He calls it Health Scam?!?
"...except in your anus."
Enough for what?
Things.
Aside from your personality.
Not the Antikythera machine.
*Not a legal health claim.
*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.
*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.
?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.
?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
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*%‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.
?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
*%‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
*Not a legal health claim.
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.
?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
*%‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
$!#‡#%‡† Not a legal health claim!
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
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*%‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
$!#‡#%‡† Not a legal health claim!
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*%‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
$!#‡#%‡† Not a legal health claim!
&?!*%‡#%$!#‡#%‡†!?! Not a legal ?‡#%$! health claim!
†Not a legal health claim.
**Not a legal health claim.
‡†Not a legal health claim.
¥Not a legal health claim.
?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
*%‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.
$!#‡#%‡† Not a legal health claim!
&?!*%‡#%$!#‡#%‡†!?! Not a legal ?‡#%$! health claim!
But the franchise goes downhill after Health Scan X-2.
o_O
-_-
/ \
o_O
o_O
/ \
>_<
>_<
/ \\
..o_O..
..o_O..
/^\\
..o_0..
..o_0..
He said, not making eye contact.
You must have travelled widely to be a quack.
Wouldn't they just buy a scheming little dink like you out and make trillions on the patent?
Quinannually?
What percent of that percentage was pulled out of your ass?
I notice you haven't electrocuted that thing off your face yet.
"Lick a 9v battery every day, and..."
MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!
>HP: 0
YouTube Captioning: Ayumi Hamasaki - Glitter
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Assassin Kurt Loder strikes again, and leaves his calling card.
.
o
0
O
( Am I being emphasized? )
o
0
O
( Am I being emphasized? )
True to form, MTV still isn't playing music.
"Flashy brighty things that go PUFF!"
Come on, Michael Bay -- start the song already.
This happens to gay guys all the time...
"Quickly! Into a more hideous part of the hotel!"
"Miss Ayumi! Miss Ayumi!"
"Was the girl legal even in Japan, Miss Ayumi!?"
"Was the girl legal even in Japan, Miss Ayumi!?"
Shiny object →
The Polaroid Paparazzi strikes again.
The Ayumi signal!
Yes, still be weebie wub
"Can I have another menu? I don't get this."
Yes, dustbin weebie wub
I just... There's something she's trying to convey... I don't quite...
It's always embarassing to be the opening act for a virtual performer.
Meatloaf must have had a garage sale.
"OUT OF THE LIGHTS, A**HOLE!"
Her directions were simply to flip out.
*sigh*
"THE MYLAR!"
Shouldn't you... Shouldn't you maybe... Get her out of there?
I mean, I'm not telling you how to do your job...
"Relax, killer. They dropped three shards in CGI."
"Yeah, well, but..."
She's managed by Kim Jong-Il's successor?
May
May I
May I request
May I request the
May I request the pleasure
May I request the pleasure of
May I request the pleasure of your
May I request the pleasure of your company
May I request the pleasure of your company?
都会ã£å 純情
"MY STRENGTH BEGS SEX AT YOUR BUSINESS ¿"
"MY STRENGTH BEGS SEX AT YOUR BUSINESS ¿"
Boy when the drum pads come out, you know things are getting serious.
"Look! It's Saki, from Berryz Koubou!"
"No, I'm... SH*T!"
"No, I'm... SH*T!"
Never ask to experience the authentic Hong Kong.
"Here, let me show you the storage unit where I grew up."
DRAGON BREATH!
HIT!
SPOON FEED!
DIP!
DODGE!
PITCHER PUSH!
FEINT!
HEAD TOSS!
FACE SHIELD!
CRANE STYLE!
GRAPPLE TWIST!
RUNNING FENCE DRAG!
BALANCE FAIL!
FINISHING MOVE!
Gay guys.
All. The. Time.
Good thing we're spinning. We wouldn't understand there's a relationship going on otherwise.
"Eat it, creep!"
THE END
And much like Ayumi, our story just kind of...
...drives off, in a battered van.
>HP: 0
YouTube Captioning: Berryz Koubou - Tomodachi wa Tomodachi Nanda!
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5000 years of civilization, and we're still fascinated by the image of people doing the same thing at the same time.
Make use of your motor bootie on the ding-a-lings, they are all my friends
Sod Lenore, who looked up my e-data
Oh, my "friend"
So, this demon in the gutter, all mean to me, he tweeted "I'm a settler"
Out of work, I let it talk, 'cause, sh*t, you know?
(Sh*t, Carol)
Well then Carol now she took the evil meanie down to turn him into kerosene
I'm still mad at you for joking about me -- I like bishi Hitler
Bedbugs reproduce inside a trunk, collect inside the keyhole, see me turn over
Garlic sheep, you say?
Commandant, she wept the more that she learned that
Wiimotes get thrown from Ipanema to Arizona -- but not at big mean Miyamoto
Murder someone? Would she blab on me? I guess so
So selling what you need while your body's going mean -- that's L.A., Berryz Koubous
'Kay, now come suck him on the knee
Dunno
Now come running, it's bishi Hitler
They've laid four feet of track, and god dammit they're gonna use us.
So, good Alyssa on United said I shouldn't sh*t on maybe all my friends
Could she get like that if I argue you aren't ALL my friends?
Kay's a Jew, so I say Kay, how 'bout a movie? She's like "Schindler!"
"Mazeltov." Oh cool tattoo, you madass sheik
Marching -- Oh you had a go, that's kind of mean -- there's a kitchen in the DoD
You know even if we banish it that kind of gag will get absurd
So now, would you guess the moaning and the jiggling and groaning were some crummy guy?
Becky, do have some salad
There's no doubt she wants it more now she's learned that
Gödel's a Turkoman, but legacy-ish model won't be sold with cash no more
Double "E," now let them "beeches" talk a while
So heed the double "E" now on Cheech and Chong are going down. Sheesh, that's evil
Go pack your canoe under there
Dunno
Like your mommy I'd hit that Hitler
↑
Yes, that's a bowtie necklace.
Yes, that's a bowtie necklace.
Notice that each one of their outfits would be cute if not for a single ridiculous embellishment. The rolled cuff, the fishnets, the piled-on necklaces, the policeman's hat...
Come on, Dante, why don't more men remember?
The boat's got through the eastern sea to Manitoba, not to Ealing, my I know
Come on, guys; I'm wrapped in more than teen anger
The Hitler joke is done but you've gotta keep on mocking it
Sod that. God, no more
Come on in and let your bishi Dachau, why why?
So we'll beat it double in, and now we teach it as a song and let it go down -- sh*t that's evil
Don't pack your noo-noo on a dare
Dunno
Like her mommy...
...I'd hit that Hitler!
Hormones?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, woo
(In my defense, I still haven't subjected you to °C-ute.)
>HP: 0
YouTube Captioning: Perversion For Profit (1965) (Part 4 of 4)
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Who better than ageing busybodies to decide what we can think, after all?
"...yet."
"...or our precious bodily fluids."
Ty Law, Jude Law, Frederick Law Olmstead...
"Court calls the Dirty Pied Piper of Hamlin."
"HEY! Wake up down there, steno!"
Whoa, man!
Even gingers agree.
So, happily, then?
"Whaaat?" "I can't hear!" "Huh?" "Speak up, sonny!" "Is this Matlock?"
The Pied Piper must be pushing 80, if this is a jury of his peers.
↑ ↑ ↑ ↑
↑ ↑ ↑
Truly, these are some happening contemporary mofos.
↑ ↑ ↑
Truly, these are some happening contemporary mofos.
"Guilty! Burn this 'Rodin' cocksucker!"
Smut trials always draw a BIG crowd!
Or are these alternates for the jurors who die?
"...and then he took off his glasses."
I'm from rural America. Shooting up while pregnant isn't below our community standards.
Floss?
LOTS of it!
And the legal colloid.
"You, as a lonely nut job?"
...FROM "HAND TIME"
"Babysitters especially. Mmm...."
Introduce them to the vague, repressed, unsatisfying "sex scenes" of D.H. Lawrence.
"Gee, Todd, you always take me to the best goddamn places."
United Offshore Consolidated Brand Holdings Corporation LLC
Nude tennis players?
"Nurrrr, there's dirty magazines fer sale at the-"
"Don't call the police again, Mr. Rumblech."
"Don't call the police again, Mr. Rumblech."
Popes, admins, cowboys...
Surely nothing says "I'm a member of the majority" like a Letter to the Editor.
"Hey, do you guys like Franzen?"
"Banned!"
"Banned!"
...awaken...
...awaken...arouse...
...awaken...arouse...support...
...awaken...arouse...support...prompt...
...awaken...arouse...support...prompt, vigorous...
...awaken...arouse...support...prompt, vigorous...unit...
Commercial Drivers License?
Imagine how stuffed full of smut that box must have been over the preceding few weeks.
A decay called redundancy.
|
This section does not cite any references or sources. Please help improve this article by adding citations to reliable sources. |
(And a bunch of Deists.)
Then why doesn't our Constitution mention God or religion, except to specifically separate it from the state?
"It's... somewhere in the middle."
♫ Put a little love in your heart...
♫ I say, put a little love in your heart!
"...and into the horrors of repression."
♫ And the world...
♫ ...will be a better place!
♫ And the WORLD... !
♫ ...WILL BE A BETTER PLACE!♫ PUT a little LOVE in your heeeeeeeeeart!
"WAIT I WASN'T DONE-!"
...OR IS IT?!
>HP: 0
YouTube Captioning: Perversion For Profit (1965) (Part 3 of 4)
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"It burns well..."
My diary!
Dan Quinn's Ishmael?
(There are two crap sequels.)
You have a terrible science fair project.
Naruto?
But how did it go otherwise?
Ahh. The sin of pride...
I texted, "LOL MRDRD OLD MAN??.? SUP W U?"
Or, played a fair amount of Street Fighter II Alpha anyway.
[*ED- Is that what the kids say? "Cooled?" ***DELETE THIS** **]
He won a sculling race by rowing an old man?
Kid tested. Motherf*cker approved.
Oh George Putnam, you missed your calling.
M is for marijuana. The author is making up lingo.
H is for heroine. David Bowie is scary.
Plus it's hard to snort a horse.
He's really getting into this...
"...bicycle."
Even if it's a girly bike.
Brainier than Margaret Warner?
"...or Gilligan."
Oh, and I hear lots of people get their kicks on Route 66 too.
Shakespeare made it work.
Shakespeare made that work too.
"More from Bill O'Reilly's Those Who Trespass next week."
"F*ck Alaska."
And you've succeeded.
"...a purple elephant."
Seriously. There were some great tits in the last two segments.
CLOSE UP
But it can be yours at the $150 level.
Call 1-800-PUT-PORN to make a pledge!
Call 1-800-PUT-PORN to make a pledge!
"The O'Reilly Factor, for instance."
Not really, no.
.
o
O
( DAMN erection! )
o
O
( DAMN erection! )
Nor want to.
So stop exposing your children!
"...and need a scapegoat."
Always have a licensed jeweler verify your birth.
Better not tell Aneurism Dad what the Pentagon spends.
"...but in coupons."
How does porn cancel comprehensive sex ed programs?
(But you know a few people are bragging.)
"Much like me."
It's sweet that he's concerned about them.
"...and average waist-height..."
(Currently dying in Vietnam.)
It's a good thing correlation equals causation.
"...sass, back talking..."
↑
Vice Magazine! There it is!
Vice Magazine! There it is!
You never studied.
...mostly father.
Maybe a little... too interested. Especially the clergy.
WORK THAT RUNWAY!
"...or would you rather they just fapped?"
"...dental, geological..."
Canyons of butt crack! Seas of santorum!
LURED INTO LESBIANISM
Friday & Saturday only at Le Shed
Friday & Saturday only at Le Shed
You mean dating?
>HP: 0
YouTube Captioning: Perversion For Profit (1965) (Part 2 of 4)
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As long as we come.
Leave Niels Bohr out of this!
Like Vanity Fair?
Oh yeah. He's stuffing.
↑ Tai-Pan must owe him a big favor.
(If there is such a thing.)
Just think of the chest-shaving mishaps.
one
James Dean and the Bull Dyke - pg. 37
James Dean and the Bull Dyke - pg. 37
Hey! Don't be dissing George Takai.
Japan?
Actually, sexual preference in pedophilia breaks down at about the same percentages as homosexuality in the general population.
Suck it in, kid.
Somehow I don't think these kids were the hope of the world.
"Look HAAAAARD... Mmmm..."
"...those friggin' Jonas Brothers."
People with two vests?
← The Rails
This Film →
This Film →
"...even though we listed it as a 'stealth' gay mag 1 minute 10 ago."
"...in that they're coherent."
e•rot•ic Adj.- Not rotic
TUMNUS!
This film?
"...Archie Comics."
two
several \/ persons
"...the Steppenwolf LP..."
"...nudie pens..."
| 8:00 PM | 8:30 PM | 9:00 PM | 9:30 PM | 10:00 PM | |
PBS  |
An Appeal to the Sodamist: Live From The Hatch Shell! New (CC) |
Red Green Show Repeat (CC) | |||
"...but then, everything hints at bestiality to me."
Dr. Sorokin... says
← Cite more than one source.
What kind of zoo is that?
Homo Habilis: Cornholing's king
Not that many women read Ayn Rand.
Music hipsters?
Purple construction paper guy is getting sh**canned for this one.
I prefer brushing by the cashier with the nice rack, but sure.
George Putnam: Down with the streets.
"EAT THIS DRUMSTICK!"
They say every problem is an opportunity.
Through, by, from and for.
Cool!
"...and the girlfriend who makes you hold it as she tries on stuff."
"...recipes, train schedules..."
Chick Lit: Throwing our fight against Communism.
In print?
"...download a 'reading guide' and listen to an exclusive 'author interview.' An author interview!"
How can they treat books like that!
>HP: 0
YouTube Captioning: Perversion For Profit (1965) (Part 1 of 4)
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"STEPHENIE MEYER: A CELEBRATION"
(AND KINKINESS
FOR KICKS!)
FOR KICKS!)
(not the one jailed for sodomy)
"I've never been jailed for sodomy."
"Elves."
"But you can stop this 'Fred Rogers'..."
For a free catalogue, write to the address at the end of this film.
"Quit hogging STRIP, Judy."
"It may not be true, but it is a FACT."
Yeah!
unseen airquotes
↓
↓
"...the smiths of smut. The hustlers of hard-on...!"
THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY
worse... in volume? Agree.
| increase and flourish | Awk.
Fox?
Finally! A growth industry.
You better watch out
You better not fap...
♫
You better not fap...
♫
Remember, these are the same people who'd rather go bankrupt than socialize medical insurance.
"The teenager is by definition a pervert..."
"And yet you know them... don't you?"
Aw. Sad octopus.
Oh let them yiff.
"...It's dope and it's with it..."
"...buy porn."
They need more to do.
Here it comes...
.
o
O
( Crap, I'm getting turned on! )
o
O
( Crap, I'm getting turned on! )
.
o
O
( Like that little slut Tammy next door... )
o
O
( Like that little slut Tammy next door... )
"But we will work until our pamphlets are on EVERY newsstand!"
"...made this octopus sad."
"THEY WERE PURCHASED ON THE INTERNET!"
Good thing half of those don't exist anymore.
"But not Costco. What the hell Costco? I bought a damn membership!"
Wait a minute. These are just YA novels.
.
o
O
( Damn hard-on... )
o
O
( Damn hard-on... )
Awesome! I love nudity!
Would the washer machine be more wholesome?
No, the gay guy mags are for stimulating the rear.
"...the sexually comfortable."
So do Hindu girls, and they're HOT.
(Slavery, masochism, outgroup violence...)
It might help if the women weren't laughing at this guy.
I thought they were just failed actresses showing their tits.
Kind of the way O'Reilly doesn't give you a clickable link when he rails against 4chan...
Or anyone with a classic tv Gidget fantasy.
↑ ↑
Could they have censored any less?
Could they have censored any less?
We're to understand you're not turned on by healthy breasts?
LESBIAN IMPLICATIONS
with DJ Perversion
This Friday at Le Shed
with DJ Perversion
This Friday at Le Shed
He almost drifted off for a second there.
Obbbbviously.
"Let's stay with this frame for a moment more..."
That's. Not. What "fetish" means!
Dr. Sorokin is one hot MILF!
Is that really where we come?
Yes. Have you ever seen real nudists?
Jump ball!
How many blind people have joined your group exactly?
And blamed pictures of people having fun?
"...and not by watching his abusive '60s father beat his mother..."
(National Geographic)
Capped by Space Toast
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>HP: 0
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That must've been quite a wreck. Look at his pants.
← BECAUSE HE'S RICH
Passed over by the Steppenwolf tour. This had better be a new low.
"YOU'RE FANTASTIC, POWER LINES!"
Good. Stare at her boobs. American girls love that.
Failed cosmetology school on a 1.3 GPA
Is this seriously all the blonde they could afford?
*ejaculates*
"I like you despite your weird face."
Is it time for the racism then?
↑
Roots
Roots
Guess not.
Don't you hate it when you meet a girl's mom, and the "After" picture ruins the "Before" picture?
↑
(BLACK HAIR)
(BLACK HAIR)
↑
(BLONDE HAIR)
(BLONDE HAIR)
↑
(BLACK HAIR)
(BLACK HAIR)
↑
(BLONDE HAIR)
(BLONDE HAIR)
↑
(BLACK HAIR)
(BLACK HAIR)
The weirdface girl must be playing hitchhiker king of the hill.
"Ever ride in a lozenge?"
What did we talk about, dude?
Three more hits and he's dead.
Did the director have a fetish for creepy smiles?
*ejaculates painfully*
Enough with Mrs. Robinson poolside. It's time for the Jimmy Swaggart fantasy.
(Technically that's just strawberry foreplay.)
"Objectivism is the only logical philosophy!"
"No, behavioral psychology has laid waste to its fundamental tenets!"
"No, behavioral psychology has laid waste to its fundamental tenets!"
Like he's never done a tranny in Thailand.
TRUST RENT-A-TUMBLEWEED!
For All Your Tumbleweed Needs
Special rates for low-rent Japanese exterior shoots.
For All Your Tumbleweed Needs
Special rates for low-rent Japanese exterior shoots.
Did he really want to ride in the hearse?
Finally! There's the racism. And a touch more homophobia because you asked nicely.
"Oh hey, you're bluffing!"
A bored Jersey housewife and a community college anthropology major. Aren't you straight pimping.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♠ ♣ ♦
That's smart.
If you lose enough they comp your room.
If you lose enough they comp your room.
I'll bet anything the ball doesn't land on perineum tonight.
Welcome to America
"Hey, it's me. The gay guy from the car. This whole thing has been a repressed homosexual allegory. Why don't you party with me tonight?"
"A FIGMENT OF MY IMAGINATION IS REALLY HERE!"
*wah wah waaah*
>HP: 1
>I <3 Hirai Ken.
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