Matthew Rasmussen's journal of journals on various topics of interest, published here, there or somewhere since 1999.
The management is not responsible for lost or stolen towel cards. Should your towel card be lost or stolen, you will no longer have access to towels.
YouTube Captioning: Perversion For Profit (1965) (Part 3 of 4)
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"It burns well..."
My diary!
Dan Quinn's Ishmael?
(There are two crap sequels.)
You have a terrible science fair project.
Naruto?
But how did it go otherwise?
Ahh. The sin of pride...
I texted, "LOL MRDRD OLD MAN??.? SUP W U?"
Or, played a fair amount of Street Fighter II Alpha anyway.
[*ED- Is that what the kids say? "Cooled?" ***DELETE THIS** **]
He won a sculling race by rowing an old man?
Kid tested. Motherf*cker approved.
Oh George Putnam, you missed your calling.
M is for marijuana. The author is making up lingo.
H is for heroine. David Bowie is scary.
Plus it's hard to snort a horse.
He's really getting into this...
"...bicycle."
Even if it's a girly bike.
Brainier than Margaret Warner?
"...or Gilligan."
Oh, and I hear lots of people get their kicks on Route 66 too.
Shakespeare made it work.
Shakespeare made that work too.
"More from Bill O'Reilly's Those Who Trespass next week."
"F*ck Alaska."
And you've succeeded.
"...a purple elephant."
Seriously. There were some great tits in the last two segments.
CLOSE UP
But it can be yours at the $150 level.
Call 1-800-PUT-PORN to make a pledge!
Call 1-800-PUT-PORN to make a pledge!
"The O'Reilly Factor, for instance."
Not really, no.
.
o
O
( DAMN erection! )
o
O
( DAMN erection! )
Nor want to.
So stop exposing your children!
"...and need a scapegoat."
Always have a licensed jeweler verify your birth.
Better not tell Aneurism Dad what the Pentagon spends.
"...but in coupons."
How does porn cancel comprehensive sex ed programs?
(But you know a few people are bragging.)
"Much like me."
It's sweet that he's concerned about them.
"...and average waist-height..."
(Currently dying in Vietnam.)
It's a good thing correlation equals causation.
"...sass, back talking..."
↑
Vice Magazine! There it is!
Vice Magazine! There it is!
You never studied.
...mostly father.
Maybe a little... too interested. Especially the clergy.
WORK THAT RUNWAY!
"...or would you rather they just fapped?"
"...dental, geological..."
Canyons of butt crack! Seas of santorum!
LURED INTO LESBIANISM
Friday & Saturday only at Le Shed
Friday & Saturday only at Le Shed
You mean dating?
>HP: 0
YouTube Captioning: Perversion For Profit (1965) (Part 2 of 4)
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As long as we come.
Leave Niels Bohr out of this!
Like Vanity Fair?
Oh yeah. He's stuffing.
↑ Tai-Pan must owe him a big favor.
(If there is such a thing.)
Just think of the chest-shaving mishaps.
one
James Dean and the Bull Dyke - pg. 37
James Dean and the Bull Dyke - pg. 37
Hey! Don't be dissing George Takai.
Japan?
Actually, sexual preference in pedophilia breaks down at about the same percentages as homosexuality in the general population.
Suck it in, kid.
Somehow I don't think these kids were the hope of the world.
"Look HAAAAARD... Mmmm..."
"...those friggin' Jonas Brothers."
People with two vests?
← The Rails
This Film →
This Film →
"...even though we listed it as a 'stealth' gay mag 1 minute 10 ago."
"...in that they're coherent."
e•rot•ic Adj.- Not rotic
TUMNUS!
This film?
"...Archie Comics."
two
several \/ persons
"...the Steppenwolf LP..."
"...nudie pens..."
| 8:00 PM | 8:30 PM | 9:00 PM | 9:30 PM | 10:00 PM | |
PBS  |
An Appeal to the Sodamist: Live From The Hatch Shell! New (CC) |
Red Green Show Repeat (CC) | |||
"...but then, everything hints at bestiality to me."
Dr. Sorokin... says
← Cite more than one source.
What kind of zoo is that?
Homo Habilis: Cornholing's king
Not that many women read Ayn Rand.
Music hipsters?
Purple construction paper guy is getting sh**canned for this one.
I prefer brushing by the cashier with the nice rack, but sure.
George Putnam: Down with the streets.
"EAT THIS DRUMSTICK!"
They say every problem is an opportunity.
Through, by, from and for.
Cool!
"...and the girlfriend who makes you hold it as she tries on stuff."
"...recipes, train schedules..."
Chick Lit: Throwing our fight against Communism.
In print?
"...download a 'reading guide' and listen to an exclusive 'author interview.' An author interview!"
How can they treat books like that!
>HP: 0
YouTube Captioning: Perversion For Profit (1965) (Part 1 of 4)
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"STEPHENIE MEYER: A CELEBRATION"
(AND KINKINESS
FOR KICKS!)
FOR KICKS!)
(not the one jailed for sodomy)
"I've never been jailed for sodomy."
"Elves."
"But you can stop this 'Fred Rogers'..."
For a free catalogue, write to the address at the end of this film.
"Quit hogging STRIP, Judy."
"It may not be true, but it is a FACT."
Yeah!
unseen airquotes
↓
↓
"...the smiths of smut. The hustlers of hard-on...!"
THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY
worse... in volume? Agree.
| increase and flourish | Awk.
Fox?
Finally! A growth industry.
You better watch out
You better not fap...
♫
You better not fap...
♫
Remember, these are the same people who'd rather go bankrupt than socialize medical insurance.
"The teenager is by definition a pervert..."
"And yet you know them... don't you?"
Aw. Sad octopus.
Oh let them yiff.
"...It's dope and it's with it..."
"...buy porn."
They need more to do.
Here it comes...
.
o
O
( Crap, I'm getting turned on! )
o
O
( Crap, I'm getting turned on! )
.
o
O
( Like that little slut Tammy next door... )
o
O
( Like that little slut Tammy next door... )
"But we will work until our pamphlets are on EVERY newsstand!"
"...made this octopus sad."
"THEY WERE PURCHASED ON THE INTERNET!"
Good thing half of those don't exist anymore.
"But not Costco. What the hell Costco? I bought a damn membership!"
Wait a minute. These are just YA novels.
.
o
O
( Damn hard-on... )
o
O
( Damn hard-on... )
Awesome! I love nudity!
Would the washer machine be more wholesome?
No, the gay guy mags are for stimulating the rear.
"...the sexually comfortable."
So do Hindu girls, and they're HOT.
(Slavery, masochism, outgroup violence...)
It might help if the women weren't laughing at this guy.
I thought they were just failed actresses showing their tits.
Kind of the way O'Reilly doesn't give you a clickable link when he rails against 4chan...
Or anyone with a classic tv Gidget fantasy.
↑ ↑
Could they have censored any less?
Could they have censored any less?
We're to understand you're not turned on by healthy breasts?
LESBIAN IMPLICATIONS
with DJ Perversion
This Friday at Le Shed
with DJ Perversion
This Friday at Le Shed
He almost drifted off for a second there.
Obbbbviously.
"Let's stay with this frame for a moment more..."
That's. Not. What "fetish" means!
Dr. Sorokin is one hot MILF!
Is that really where we come?
Yes. Have you ever seen real nudists?
Jump ball!
How many blind people have joined your group exactly?
And blamed pictures of people having fun?
"...and not by watching his abusive '60s father beat his mother..."
(National Geographic)
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YouTube Captioning: Strawberry Sex by Ken Hirai [Official Music Video]
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That must've been quite a wreck. Look at his pants.
← BECAUSE HE'S RICH
Passed over by the Steppenwolf tour. This had better be a new low.
"YOU'RE FANTASTIC, POWER LINES!"
Good. Stare at her boobs. American girls love that.
Failed cosmetology school on a 1.3 GPA
Is this seriously all the blonde they could afford?
*ejaculates*
"I like you despite your weird face."
Is it time for the racism then?
↑
Roots
Roots
Guess not.
Don't you hate it when you meet a girl's mom, and the "After" picture ruins the "Before" picture?
↑
(BLACK HAIR)
(BLACK HAIR)
↑
(BLONDE HAIR)
(BLONDE HAIR)
↑
(BLACK HAIR)
(BLACK HAIR)
↑
(BLONDE HAIR)
(BLONDE HAIR)
↑
(BLACK HAIR)
(BLACK HAIR)
The weirdface girl must be playing hitchhiker king of the hill.
"Ever ride in a lozenge?"
What did we talk about, dude?
Three more hits and he's dead.
Did the director have a fetish for creepy smiles?
*ejaculates painfully*
Enough with Mrs. Robinson poolside. It's time for the Jimmy Swaggart fantasy.
(Technically that's just strawberry foreplay.)
"Objectivism is the only logical philosophy!"
"No, behavioral psychology has laid waste to its fundamental tenets!"
"No, behavioral psychology has laid waste to its fundamental tenets!"
Like he's never done a tranny in Thailand.
TRUST RENT-A-TUMBLEWEED!
For All Your Tumbleweed Needs
Special rates for low-rent Japanese exterior shoots.
For All Your Tumbleweed Needs
Special rates for low-rent Japanese exterior shoots.
Did he really want to ride in the hearse?
Finally! There's the racism. And a touch more homophobia because you asked nicely.
"Oh hey, you're bluffing!"
A bored Jersey housewife and a community college anthropology major. Aren't you straight pimping.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♠ ♣ ♦
That's smart.
If you lose enough they comp your room.
If you lose enough they comp your room.
I'll bet anything the ball doesn't land on perineum tonight.
Welcome to America
"Hey, it's me. The gay guy from the car. This whole thing has been a repressed homosexual allegory. Why don't you party with me tonight?"
"A FIGMENT OF MY IMAGINATION IS REALLY HERE!"
*wah wah waaah*
>HP: 1
>I <3 Hirai Ken.
YouTube Captioning: March 19, 2010 - Rubi
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This translation is provided for the educational enrichment of the YouTube Captioning public regarding the unique cultural voice of Tagalog-language drama.
I'm afraid you're just not cut out to be a vet tech.
You can keep the scrubs, but please leave.
I've never said this after one class.
You faking it too?
No-
Come on! Doctor Teeth looks more like a pediatrician.
Come on! Doctor Teeth looks more like a pediatrician.
You're not a pedo, are you?
Because if you are, I've got a trunk full of items that might interest you...
Who are THEY to judge us?! Know what I mean?
Right?
I'm trying to catch the Phantom!
I'm sorry the... disease has only gotten worse.
I can tell.
With every minute that goes by, your son turns more and more into Jaden Smith.
Untalented. Yes.
Neve Campbell!
We've never met this Phantom. How can we be turning into "B" list celebrities?
They say he might be tainting drinks to terrorize people.
Seriously, though. Am I really starting to look like Robin Tunney?
Um...
Not... Who's Robin Tunney?
You know...
I do?
I do?
From The Craft?
Well! If it isn't the bitches of Eastwick.
I can't believe you're BOTH turning into cast members of The Craft.
Laaaaame!
Laaaaame!
Look! It's Danielle Panabaker and post-scrappy-cuteness Claire Danes.
It's better than being Neve Campbell and... oh wait, what was her name? She never did another film again.
Robin Tunney? Bitch is on "The Mentalist" these days, skank.
Oh, that's right! And The Zodiac, right?
Zodiac, with Jake Gyllenhaal and Robert Downey, Jr.?
No, The Zodiac, with Macaulay Culkin's kid brother.
But really, "Neve." How's it going? Thought of releasing an album since riding the Scream franchise into the ground?
...as in "GWARs Doug?" [GWAR-style scatting.]
They say it's reversible!
Get real! At least I caught someone no one's ever heard of. No one remembers Disney's Sky High.
Seriously. Kurt Russell in a big foam suit? You've got to rent it.
She probably thinks if they catch the Phantom they'll be able to reverse the effects.
Get used to it, honey. The blank. Test pattern. Stare. You're going to have it for a long time!
Everything all right?
Um... You got a huge dose of Ryan Seacrest, didn't you?
Whatever. It could have been Simon Cowell.
When you're bumping uglies tonight, it'll be like a porno VH1 special.
Sleep tight, kids.
I threw up a little just now.
Is it possible to wash my mind's eye out with bleach?
I am never going to eat again!
Bumping... ug-uglies...
"Come on, son."
"You can tell me."
I don't know how to explain this, doc.
The Phantom has gotten to each one of my friends... but not me.
Do you think you're feeling a sort of survivor's guilt?
You may just be so bland that it's not taking.
You know, I actually thought I was turning into Ricky Martin this weekend.
I went out and bought some Menudo tracksuits, came out on my blog...
"Maybe it will help..."
If we imagine there is no Phantom per se.
You look about as imposing as David Schwimmer...
"Just about." Why?
"And maybe..."
"This can help too."
"It will be our little secret, son."
You take this.
Essence of Neve Campbell? I can't accept this.
You'd look good as a stiff "B" actress.
Thanks. The Janet Reno never quite took.
It all...
It started out innocently enough.
A little essence of Tim Robbins here and there...
Bob Hoskins. I got hooked on Gerald McRaney.
Pretty soon everyone's doing it.
But not admitting it. Like listening to Boston.
Thanks for the David Schwimmer and the advice.
"I appreciate this conversation."
It may be Matt LeBlanc.
I can live with that.
I'm sorry.
All I could score you was Robin Tunney. She was on "Prison Break." Kind of.
Her hair didn't really fall out. It was a bald cap.
Driver?
Yo?
How good is this Mark Ericson guy?
If you can't be the real person you want to be
Why not be someone who looks like someone else?
They must be famous for a reason, not just by random chance...
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>HP: 0
YouTube Captioning: Clean Coal Success Story
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TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!Fishing next to a 50 year old coal plant. Get ready for the Big Lie, folks.
Rednecks?
"Far as we could get from this sh** hole."
"Tha's right."
"Tha's right."
SOFT FOCUS = SINCERITY
UNRELATED TESTIMONIALS = RAPPORT
"...your wife."
I should say so!
"Still f*ckin' your wife, Ted."
That's easy to remember.
You put little suits on steam?
"We're going to be using steel, which is metal. And burn coal, which burns."
♫ Heeeeeeeere they come to snuff the Bruce Na... ♫
It can't be that important...
Enter your own damn text.
It means 40% efficiency, vs. the 37% of hundred-year-old technology.
PARTIAL FOCUS = EVEN MORE SINCERITY
(Added in post.)
(Added in post.)
TIME LAPSE CLOUDS = THOUGHTFULNESS
(Also works with bodies of water, stars, hilly forests.)
(Also works with bodies of water, stars, hilly forests.)
It's basically a big Dirt Devil.
"And about 5 million tons of CO2 per annum."
If you'd like to know what these a**holes are actually on about, Council Bluffs #4 happened to be the first coal plant built after the EPA began forcing the power industry to reduce mercury emissions. There are three older plants on the site, each releasing 5x the mercury of #4. We have two more minutes -- think they'll mention any of this?
GREEN STUFF = FRIENDLY
They're circulating, are they?
Rape, larceny, poor dental hygiene...
You built. A fourth. Plant.
That means more pollution, you carpetbagging twat.
That means more pollution, you carpetbagging twat.
"And global warming was made up by Al Gore, so..."
"Fish sticks."
Walri? Kid's nothing if not ambitious. And a bit stupid.
I'm sorry, which disease did you catch?
I only speak New England Redneck, can you repeat large portions of that?
TMI, dude.
"That was no fish, that was my wife!"
*boom!*
FAMILY TESTIMONIAL = TRUST
"Just not in any way that affects me."
BACKLIGHTING + FILL = CALM
"Something heavier than the lure."
MULTIPLE MATCH CUTS = CLOSURE
HITACHI: Doing the Minimum Required by Law™
And expecting a handjob for it!
And expecting a handjob for it!
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>HP: 0
YouTube Captioning: Jesus and Moses Went Golfing
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"...you said we'd be in the desert for a week."
Book of Clubs: 8 wood 4
Please don't do that.
Spreads a choirboy's anus, and...
Jesus doesn't handle confrontation well.
But it's hard to make par with your penis.
Passive-aggressively immitating Charlie Chaplin.
Moses was just being an asshole.
Is Jesus doing the sound effects too?
( / 2) -
/ 2) - For more of God being a dick, please read the Old Testament.
" God is just sick of your masturbating. "
(The guy reaching for the man with the limp penis.)
Did he say when?
.
o
O
(He's right... He's right... That's right... Oh my god, that's so right...)
o
O
(He's right... He's right... That's right... Oh my god, that's so right...)
Did they know how condoms worked?
"BASTARDS!"
It also lets SATAN crawl up your hoo-ha.
"You... SLUT."
Actually, the Catholic church has spent the last thousand years debating the point of "ensoulement" without coming to any solid consensus.
Something that happens naturally to 60-80% of fertilized eggs anyway. (Yes, fertilized eggs.)
Wait, when did logic come into the Catholic church?
Or "GALILEO WAS RIGHT!" prior to Nirvana dropping the Nevermind album.
There there, Thomas Aquinas, William of Occam and Aristotle -- the molestache man is almost done.
Yes, I can clearly see the moral and logical problem you've backed yourself into.
←Bad Good→
"Sorry about your son's sphincter, here's some money..."
Do you get the feeling that somewhere there's a shop class missing its wacky teacher, and the girls are having to use the bandsaw without someone leaning over to guide both of their hands?
Brought to You by Your Ashur-Worshipping Friends in Ninveh:
Capital of the Ancient Assyrian Empire
Capital of the Ancient Assyrian Empire
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YouTube Captioning: 2010 K-POP Single Chart (March Week 3)
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2010: A K-Pop Odyssey
"What!?"
"Ow!"
"Quit it!"
"Dammit!"
"Quit shoving!"
It could be gas.
Translation: "...but the Body Shop was closed!"
↑
To be fair, chicks with violins rock.
To be fair, chicks with violins rock.
To be fair, chicks with violins rock.
Shouldn't he be wearing tissue boxes on his feet?
"Go my child! Escape from the man fairy!"To be exact, love, a can of Red Bull, and two shots each of Bacardi and Jagermeister taught me to drink.
"Play it again, Chan."
"My urine sample!"
.
o
O
(Dammit, I'm almost out of condiments)
o
O
(Dammit, I'm almost out of condiments)
Seeing as this appears to be a tv show theme, you'd think cutting a video wouldn't have been ponderous.
If you squished today and twenty years ago together, this is the horrible clothing you would end up with.
I thought HOPPER + DRAMA = EASY RIDER
(Shouldn't this be over?)
Boyz II Twatz
Walk into the damn light!
You: zip up
You: unzip
What about Noein?
8eight appears with 2AM and 4Men in the new release Now 7hat's What 1 Call 1nexplicable Use of Digits #7.
Where do you get a belt with a heat exchanger?
Not his usual look. He came here straight from dodging the "100M from a school or playground" restriction slapped on him by the judge.
There's a joke you're not in on here: The band is called "4Men," but there are three of them, without a testicle between them.
I Can't (Theme to Virginia Woolf's "To the Lighthouse")
I want to enjoy this, but there's an air of barely-contained desperation around these women.
See what I mean?
; _ ;
^_^
You do know they make unobtrusive mics, right?
Love. I'm noticing a theme here.
Falling Down II: Lady Luckless
A sewer in my bed...!
↑
[INSERT EMOTION HERE]
[INSERT EMOTION HERE]
"Hey! It's only raining in front of the camera!"
Yay! The shocker song!
Two in the pink, one in the stink! Shock! SHOCK!
Maybe they're saying "shuck." It could be a corn song.
But didn't get a wrist or a finger
Goddamn the cur
Jack, that cat
(He's technically a woman but don't tell the officer)
(He's technically a woman but don't tell the officer)
Korean is not a language you can "spit."
People who won't even dog-ear a page run in fear from
Marginalia Man!
Marginalia Man!
The hand bump. Classic.
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Well don't everybody run away. Somebody's got to clean up around here.
*Lloyd Thaxton pedals through*
I knooooow a little place/ Not far from town/
(Gotta go) A kind of pretty place/ Three up, two down
I knooooow a little place/ Not far from town/
(Gotta go) A kind of pretty place/ Three up, two down
Ahh. The Korean Miley.
"Good. Gooooood..." ↑Another song with "love" in the title. Take a drink.
Confirm. Deny.
You take that back!
Usually you have to be near a base to get Cum-Shot Happy Entertainment in Korea.
Not that I'd... know....
I'm getting a little sick of running too.
What are we running from, at least?
Stop telling me what to do!
+5 Chain Mail? She can't equip that until level 15!
Does lupin grow in Korea? Or is this a posh remake of "Hungry Like the Wolf?"
Sarah Jessica Park Hyor
"Wait! I'll get furniture! I swear."
"Or a door! At least I'll get a door!"
I hear the Marvel continuity nazis sh*t kittens when Dazzler moved to Korea and had a son.
"Or scenery outside of the windows! Anything!"
"You know I love you more than my cheap particle effects! Please!"
Sentinel attack! Hit the deck.
Gee. This video.
Cut scenes from a movie in, and it's MTV: 1988-1994.
(For those younger people in the audience, MTV used to play music.)
BubbleLove.com was already registered. And she was NOT happy with what she found there.
Someone lob another mortar.
2AM: The all fighting-game-villain band
Yes, you did wrong. Now comb it flat again.
Did anyone else just see Kim Jong Il?
D'oh, my bad!
Look, we'll see if we can sort it out with super glue...
What's with the fourth grade love note? I thought child molestation was only big in Japan.
She been driving me so blue
I'll not chicken out again!
Her mom's so cocky...
Young as kids can get...
Yes, "T-ara" is #1. We haven't been counting up.
I know someone who goes crazy because of his violent psychoses. Y'all should hang.
Somewhere in Seoul: "It's peurile, but it doesn't have an annoying repeated phrase. Who wrote that 'Oh Oh Oh Oh' bit for T-ara? Get me that bastard. That bastard sh*ts gold records!"
"What a world!"
Chunky? Lady, Gainax characters are chunky compared to you.
Fosse!
To recap #1: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, chunky-chunky-chunky-chunky-chunky-chunky-chunky, Satan'll never reach out.
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YouTube Captioning: Duck and Cover
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And to the sound of the Dumb Dumb song, we welcome you to a classic piece of WTF.
The Allegory of Bertrand Russell
Clearly.
Wh-? Where did-?!
Oh god, the monkey was a suicide bomber!
Oh god, the monkey was a suicide bomber!
♫ He didn't speak unless spoken to...
"FOR THE CAUSE -!"
*bits of dead monkey begin to fall*
"Plod along mindlessly, and withdraw within yourself when there's unrest."
*instinctively mashes the Top Menu button*
"...any unathorized rebroadcast, retransmission, or relocation without the express written consent of the Civil Defense Administration is prohibited."
I think Bert's pretty much "out" already.
"You're a puss."
Scenes from "Burt the Turtle Fights VD"
Emotionally?
Sometimes monkeys just blow themselves up.
"Under my hairpiece, children."
But do we understand its needs?
"Such as school desegregation."
Alert the FBI if you see anyone talking to unknown fires in your neighborhood.
Hitler!
"If you ever need to drill a fire."
"Herbie: Fully Loaded" should be avoided at all costs.
"Our ragamuffins shall protect us from the cars."
Or risk suburban ostracism.
Pre-Tweens
Chances are you won't.
If you're not lucky enough to be vaporized instantly.
Or will again.
Miss Rumphius: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
"Burn your shadow into the pavement..."
"It can menace people near drugstores, and smoke marijuana."
Please. Bert is boiled like a sweet in there.
"Oh yeah. Oh god yeah."
Did you know your homeowner policy doesn't cover atomic brinksmanship?
Shame-wise
With your face?
Cover your back with your septum.
"Isn't this f*cking bullsh*t? Wouldn't we f*cking die anyway?"
"Shut the f*ck up, Betty."
Sometimes you will see the monkey, sometimes you will not.
"Permission to go faster, sir."
"PBS. No, the Mrs. Slocum's Pussy tote bag is at the $200 level."
"Does that look like an atomic bomb to you?"
You may be playing with yourself when the signal comes.
FASTER! TRAMPLE EACH OTHER, YOU F*CKERS! THE WEAK WILL NOT REPRODUCE UNDER THE NEW ORDER!
"Galactus!"
In your perfectly pressed suit.
Near the liqueur cabinet.
If you're in Chinatown...
"It's in my soundproofed apartment, right up there..."
"Let go of my elbow."
"Forget it, baby. It's... Chinatown."
"Forget it, baby. It's... Chinatown."
"...you may encounter a Beatnik."
"Me?"
Unless you're The Flash.
"When they dump your books, dive into a fetal position, screaming like a little girl. Watch..."
"Ugod! Wah! Stopit! Stopit! Aaugh!"
"See how he's wet himself?"
"That'll keep them from stuffing you in the janitor's cart."
"Expect them to spit on you. Fortunately, no one can jack off fast enough to soil you in that manner."
I'll take my chances with the bomb, thank you.
Except the room itself.
"IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD, KIDS! INCEST! DRUGS! WAAAH! HA HA HA HA!"
"...they'll never live down the shame."
"Out of my way, b*tch!"
"Too bad they won't be around to enjoy it."
"A feeble attempt, really."
"Future civilizations will be amused by the shapes they leave in the half-molten topsoil."
GAH! They are!
Did she put her head through the cladding?
Or her head will be preserved, anyway.
"Tony regularly wets the bed as a result. Tony's dad beats him."
Tony, can I recommend the other side of the wall?
Tony thinks that if he can't see the shockwave, it can't see him.
"Notice how he weeps, and curses Oppenheimer."
Any unnecessary rubbing or thrusting he does is condoned by the United States Government.
"He's armed, so be careful of him in the ensuing anarchy."
"No matter how mad his demands."
The armored schoolbus
"Has it ever been cleaned down here?!"
"The glass may melt and splash across your body, casting your final scream in a hideous crystalline death mask."
"Stop eating the cooking fuel!"
If they know what's good for them.
Or they believe it, and that's the important bit for civil control.
As long as it's made of 3" thick lead.
"Which shouldn't be much of anywhere, or you'll just be getting what's coming to you, you slut."
That could have gone so many kinds of wrong.
"In all likelihood, falling structures will do this for you."
"Seriously, what the f*ck?"
"Review the life flashing before your eyes, as the air fills with a sound and smell of sizzling bacon."
"...lose that virginity fast."
Kill every monkey you see.
Don't call him Barry Allen?
Next from Astoria Public Schools, don't miss "It's a M.A.D., M.A.D., M.A.D., M.A.D. Cold War."
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YouTube Captioning: Sylvia Browne's Predictions for 2009 (Part 1)
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We were. Let's see how you did.
You're not going to change them after the fact like you do on your website, are you?
Book sales down, Syl?
"Ribbit."
Puff puff. Pass. Prophecy. Prevaricate.
That wasn't the first one?
YOU'RE NOT A FRAUD!
Yes yes, my liberal sensibilities are sufficiently buttered up. Can we move on to the predictions?
Everyone expected the December interest rate cut you're referring to, and there was no cut in all of 2009.
Mexican labor?
And many things we don't.
Are we talking about lamp oil? Fish oil?
We sure did expect it though, didn't we?
You fail again, Professor Umbridge.
You fail again, Professor Umbridge.
No, I know about Kermit Roosevelt overthrowing the elected government and installing the Shah in Iran.
All the live-long day.
Don't we see that every year?
All in December?
Strange that you didn't foresee the re-escalation in Afghanistan.
"Lending at the biggest U.S. banks has fallen more sharply than realized, despite government efforts to pump billions of dollars into the financial sector." ~The Wall Street Journal, 2009
"The tally of bank failures easily broke past the No. 100 milestone on Friday night, with regulators announcing the year's 106th closure. That's more than four times the number that were closed in 2008..." ~CNN Money, 2009
"I mean, when the party I predicted gets into the White House..."
In 2009?
With Brooks Garner. Brooks?
(Not really funny. He's just my old roommate.)
You're a psychic. Aren't you supposed to just know?
Yes, I'm sure somewhere "the islands" will have bad weather. Thank you.
"The 2009 Atlantic hurricane season was below average in activity, with a total of nine named storms and three hurricanes. For the first time since 2006, no storm brought hurricane force winds to the United States..." ~Wikipedia
"The 2009 Atlantic hurricane season was below average in activity, with a total of nine named storms and three hurricanes. For the first time since 2006, no storm brought hurricane force winds to the United States..." ~Wikipedia
"...she telephoned a psychic."
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The YouTube Captioning Thing Upgraded
File Under: /web/caption
I've added a second mode to the YouTube Captioning Thing. The original version allowed you to create a running commentary beneath any embeddable YouTube video. The new version has a second mode where the captions appear directly on top of the video. Here's a demo:
peZqaHd06xk
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The original Lloyd Thaxton was a retired Grand Rapids machinist who would stand in a long raincoat and leer at the camera for an hour a day. His program ran from 1952-1960.
Back when you had to be drunk to work as a television announcer.
"With a sound as gay as their sportcoats!"
*crowd cheers*
*crowd cheers*
The escalation in Vietnam?
"And other pop culture cliche crap! DAMMIT, JACK, WHERE'D YOU-? Oh, it's in my hand..."
Thank god we invented teen sex.
What's Dorothy doing back there? The Funky Mashed Chicken Potato?
This is what the hep crowd would be doing on a Friday night if Strom Thurmond had won the Presidency.
Where?
That's Lake Michigan.
Well, there are a few.
I thought you said there wasn't a cloud in the sky.
.
o
O
(Two more verses! I can make it!)
*puff puff*
o
O
(Two more verses! I can make it!)
*puff puff*
The abandoned mortuary?
Maybe the old vomit factory?
Oh! The weird church on the dump road, in that trailer.
Over... over here now, dude.
Hello?
.
o
O
(It can't be my healthy 3-pack-a-day habit, why am I so beat?)
o
O
(It can't be my healthy 3-pack-a-day habit, why am I so beat?)
Gomez Adams: Bandleader
The grand tradition of American songs that use up their material in 90 seconds but just keep f*cking going.
↑
Thinking about Rayon dress pants on a bicycle seat, I hope this guy didn't have balls when he started doing this.
Dorothy, what are you doing?
Wait, he's not really singing!
"WE'RE EASILY ENTERTAINED!"
"Anyone got some Gold Bond?"
"...he'll never work in this business again."
That's the choke.
Christian Bale, Nixon Youth↑
"Ixnay on your ex-life-say."
"David, I understand you're warehoused at the vocational school..."
"Michelle, you're not any part negro are you? It doesn't work on negros."
"The same."
*jing jing!*
Do the faggoty little ribbons come with it?
"--and fight."
Wait, what?
Is this Britain during the rationing?
"But none for you, Dorothy -- I said 'dancers.'"
"CANNED GOODS!"
And the teenagers rebel by going away.
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