30+ Cornstarch Fireballs

1080p (vertical) shot of 1 teaspoon of cornstarch blown into the air near a flame source about 30x. Filmed at 120fps, playback at 30fps. As much fun as you’ll have doing this yourself, these pyro elements are released into the public domain for any and all usage, commercial or otherwise.

These elements were created for Troy Minkowsky’s “The Garden 1910” a Rhino Crate production currently in post.

Download Clip in MP4

To the extent possible under law, Matthew I. Rasmussen has waived all copyright and related or neighboring rights to 30+ Cornstarch Fireballs. This work is published from: United States.


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Academic Art is a Guilty Pleasure

Jean-Léon Gérôme "Head of a Woman"

Academic Art: The Adult Contemporary of fine art.

Strip the striving out of Romanticism, the fear out of Symbolism, and this is what you get. Endless Joans of Arc, Opheliae, Venuses. Putti, cupids and angels. Nudes. Sentimentalism.

Note the awkward, static poses of Academic art. Any pretext for nudity. There’s a reason this movement fell out of favor. (But are Schiele‘s sneering portraits of his own corrupted harem any more pure as art for having their beauty removed?)

Note Bouguereau’s almost paternal use of the same models sometimes for decades: the same faces appearing on children, youths, mothers, lending his work a hint of something deeper than critic-pleasing cheesecake.

How hard do you come down on Orientalism? No matter how bubbled the glass, it remains a looking outward, a fascination with Otherness. Darkly will be glimpsed our dreams–sweet, cruel, lascivious, and all three–but we look only to be looked back upon. Gleyre’s Persian girl still fixes us in the gaze of an undeniable humanity.

Is there an opposite to Orientalism? Peasant fascination in Academic Art tends to represent only the dream of Arcadia, not any deeper social conscience. (But then there’s Makovsky’s gypsy.)

You know Arcadia. It’s there behind the bluetooth headphones Starbucks paperboard the stab of parking car headlights 69 megapascals of compressive force darkened glass bad music discount raincoat soap as an offensive perfume and cologne as an offensive weapon some girl life moving around you where are you going why have you been that person you should text her you should text her blue asshole lights in the rain darkness glistening like surgical instruments and the dream of Arcadia.

Imagine Peel’s juvenile shepherdess as a photograph leaked onto the internet. Is it any wonder that the soft simplicity of the dream still speaks to us?

Lawrence Alma-Tadema "A Sculptor's Model"
Lawrence Alma-Tadema “A Sculptor’s Model”
Lawrence Alma-Tadema "Spring"
Lawrence Alma-Tadema “Spring”
Pedro Américo "Joan of Arc"
Pedro Américo “Joan of Arc”
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "A Little Coaxing" (1890)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “A Little Coaxing” (1890)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "A Young Girl Defending Herself Against Eros" (1880)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “A Young Girl Defending Herself Against Eros” (1880)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "After the Bath" (1875)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “After the Bath” (1875)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "Bather" (1870)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “Bather” (1870)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "At the Edge of the Brook" (1875)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “At the Edge of the Brook” (1875)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "Charity" (1878)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “Charity” (1878)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "Dawn" (1881)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “Dawn” (1881)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "Evening Mood" (1882)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “Evening Mood” (1882)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "L'Amour et Psych" (1899)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “L’Amour et Psych” (1899)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "L'Amour Mouille"
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “L’Amour Mouille”
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "L'Orage" (1874)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “L’Orage” (1874)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "Le Guêpier" (1892)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “Le Guêpier” (1892)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "Les noisettes"
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “Les noisettes”
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "Les Oreades" (1902)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “Les Oreades” (1902)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "Love on the Lookout" (1890)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “Love on the Lookout” (1890)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "Meditation" (1901)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “Meditation” (1901)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "Not Too Much To Carry" (1895)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “Not Too Much To Carry” (1895)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "Nymphs and Satyr" (1873)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “Nymphs and Satyr” (1873)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "Pêche pour les grenouilles"
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “Pêche pour les grenouilles”
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "Return of Spring" (1886)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “Return of Spring” (1886)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "Song of the Angels" (1881)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “Song of the Angels” (1881)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "The Birth of Venus" (1879)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “The Birth of Venus” (1879)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "The Nymphaeum" (1878)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “The Nymphaeum” (1878)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "The Youth of Bacchus" (1884)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “The Youth of Bacchus” (1884)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "Whisperings of Love" (1889)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “Whisperings of Love” (1889)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau "Young Woman Contemplating Two Embracing Children" (1861)
William-Adolphe Bouguereau “Young Woman Contemplating Two Embracing Children” (1861)
Alexandre Cabanel "Albayde"
Alexandre Cabanel “Albayde”
Alexandre Cabanel "Cléopatre essayant des poisons sur des condamnés à mort"
Alexandre Cabanel “Cléopatre essayant des poisons sur des condamnés à mort”
Alexandre Cabanel "Expulsion of Adam and Eve"
Alexandre Cabanel “Expulsion of Adam and Eve”
Alexandre Cabanel "The Birth of Venus" (1863)
Alexandre Cabanel “The Birth of Venus” (1863)
Charles Chaplin "A Song Silenced"
Charles Chaplin “A Song Silenced”
Pierre Auguste Cot "Ophelia"
Pierre Auguste Cot “Ophelia”
Pierre Auguste Cot "Spring" (1873)
Pierre Auguste Cot “Spring” (1873)
Thomas Couture "Romans During the Decadence"
Thomas Couture “Romans During the Decadence”
Georges Croegaert "The Reading Woman"
Georges Croegaert “The Reading Woman”
Paul Delaroche "Henriette Sontag in her Donna Anna Costume" (1831)
Paul Delaroche “Henriette Sontag in her Donna Anna Costume” (1831)
Paul Delaroche "Execution of Lady Jane Grey" (1834)
Paul Delaroche “Execution of Lady Jane Grey” (1834)
Anselm Feuerbach "Medea"
Anselm Feuerbach “Medea”
Jean-Léon Gérôme "An Idyll" (1852)
Jean-Léon Gérôme “An Idyll” (1852)
Jean-Léon Gérôme "Diogenes"
Jean-Léon Gérôme “Diogenes”
Jean-Léon Gérôme "Harem Pool"
Jean-Léon Gérôme “Harem Pool”
Jean-Léon Gérôme "Head of a Woman"
Jean-Léon Gérôme “Head of a Woman”
Jean-Léon Gérôme "Muezzin Calling from the Top of a Minaret"
Jean-Léon Gérôme “Muezzin Calling from the Top of a Minaret”
Jean-Léon Gérôme "Pollice Verso"
Jean-Léon Gérôme “Pollice Verso”
Jean-Léon Gérôme "The Carpet Merchant"
Jean-Léon Gérôme “The Carpet Merchant”
Jean-Léon Gérôme "The Duel After the Masquerade"
Jean-Léon Gérôme “The Duel After the Masquerade”
Jean-Léon Gérôme "The Slave Market"
Jean-Léon Gérôme “The Slave Market”
Charles Gleyre "Lost Illusions"
Charles Gleyre “Lost Illusions”
Charles Gleyre "Oriental Lady" (1865)
Charles Gleyre “Oriental Lady” (1865)
Charles Gleyre "The Bath"
Charles Gleyre “The Bath”
John William Godward "A Priestess" (1893)
John William Godward “A Priestess” (1893)
John William Godward "Campaspe"
John William Godward “Campaspe”
John William Godward "L'Oracle de Delphes" (1899)
John William Godward “L’Oracle de Delphes” (1899)
John William Godward "Study of Miss Ethel Warwick"
John William Godward “Study of Miss Ethel Warwick”
John William Godward "Violets, Sweet Violets"
John William Godward “Violets, Sweet Violets”
Francesco Hayez "Accusa segreta" (1847)
Francesco Hayez “Accusa segreta” (1847)
Francesco Hayez "Bathsheba Bathing"
Francesco Hayez “Bathsheba Bathing”
Francesco Hayez "Destruction of the Temple of Jerusalem" (1867)
Francesco Hayez “Destruction of the Temple of Jerusalem” (1867)
Francesco Hayez "La Meditazione" (1850)
Francesco Hayez “La Meditazione” (1850)
Francesco Hayez "Meditation on the History of Italy"
Francesco Hayez “Meditation on the History of Italy”
Francesco Hayez "Self-portrait with Tiger and Lion"
Francesco Hayez “Self-portrait with Tiger and Lion”
Vojtech Hynais "Lezici akt"
Vojtech Hynais “Lezici akt”
Paul Jamin "Le Brenn et sa part de butin" (1893)
Paul Jamin “Le Brenn et sa part de butin” (1893)
Julius Kronberg "Der neue Spielkamerad"
Julius Kronberg “Der neue Spielkamerad”
Julius Kronberg "Romeo and Juliet on the Balcony"
Julius Kronberg “Romeo and Juliet on the Balcony”
Jules Joseph Lefebvre "Girl with a Mandolin"
Jules Joseph Lefebvre “Girl with a Mandolin”
Jules Joseph Lefebvre "La Cigarra" (1872)
Jules Joseph Lefebvre “La Cigarra” (1872)
Jules Joseph Lefebvre "Lady Godiva"
Jules Joseph Lefebvre “Lady Godiva”
Jules Joseph Lefebvre "Morning Glory" (1879)
Jules Joseph Lefebvre “Morning Glory” (1879)
Frederic Leighton "Perseus and Andromeda"
Frederic Leighton “Perseus and Andromeda”
Frederic Leighton "The Fisherman and the Syren" (1856)
Frederic Leighton “The Fisherman and the Syren” (1856)
Hans Makart "An Egyptian Princess" (1875)
Hans Makart “An Egyptian Princess” (1875)
Hans Makart "Japanese Kimono"
Hans Makart “Japanese Kimono”
Hans Makart "The Five Senses"
Hans Makart “The Five Senses”
Hans Makart "Abundantia: the Gifts of the Sea" (1870)
Hans Makart “Abundantia: the Gifts of the Sea” (1870)
Konstantin Makovsky "Allegorical Scene"
Konstantin Makovsky “Allegorical Scene”
Konstantin Makovsky "Beauty Preparing to Bathe"
Konstantin Makovsky “Beauty Preparing to Bathe”
Konstantin Makovsky "Geburt der Aphrodite"
Konstantin Makovsky “Geburt der Aphrodite”
Konstantin Makovsky "Gypsy"
Konstantin Makovsky “Gypsy”
Konstantin Makovsky "Happy Arcadia"
Konstantin Makovsky “Happy Arcadia”
Konstantin Makovsky "The Appeal of Minin"
Konstantin Makovsky “The Appeal of Minin”
Hughues Merle "Tristan and Isolde"
Hughues Merle “Tristan and Isolde”
Hughues Merle "Hebe apres sa chute"
Hughues Merle “Hebe apres sa chute”
Domenico Morelli "Pompeian Bath" (1861)
Domenico Morelli “Pompeian Bath” (1861)
Émile Munier "Head of a Young Girl"
Émile Munier “Head of a Young Girl”
Émile Munier "La baigneuse"
Émile Munier “La baigneuse”
Karel Ooms "Summer Fantasy"
Karel Ooms “Summer Fantasy”
Paul Peel "The Little Shepherdess"
Paul Peel “The Little Shepherdess”
Edward Poynter "Andromeda" (1869)
Edward Poynter “Andromeda” (1869)
Edward Poynter "Cave of the Storm Nymphs"
Edward Poynter “Cave of the Storm Nymphs”
Georges Rochegrosse "The Death of Messalina" (1916)
Georges Rochegrosse “The Death of Messalina” (1916)
Georges Rochegrosse "Le Chevalier aux Fleurs" (1894)
Georges Rochegrosse “Le Chevalier aux Fleurs” (1894)
Georges Rochegrosse "The Mirror"
Georges Rochegrosse “The Mirror”
Georges Rochegrosse "The Arab Guard"
Georges Rochegrosse “The Arab Guard”
Ary Scheffer "The Souliot Women" (1827)
Ary Scheffer “The Souliot Women” (1827)
Ary Scheffer "De hemelse en aardse liefde" (1850)
Ary Scheffer “De hemelse en aardse liefde” (1850)
Eugene Siberdt "Farewell Dear France, 15 August 1561"
Eugene Siberdt “Farewell Dear France, 15 August 1561”
Henryk Siemiradzki "Before the Bath"
Henryk Siemiradzki “Before the Bath”
Henryk Siemiradzki "Portrait einer römischen Schönheit" (1889)
Henryk Siemiradzki “Portrait einer römischen Schönheit” (1889)
Henryk Siemiradzki "Das Gespräch"
Henryk Siemiradzki “Das Gespräch”
Henryk Siemiradzki "Judgement of Paris"
Henryk Siemiradzki “Judgement of Paris”
Henryk Siemiradzki "Nimfa"
Henryk Siemiradzki “Nimfa”
Henryk Siemiradzki "Tanz der Schwerter Anagoria"
Henryk Siemiradzki “Tanz der Schwerter Anagoria”
Joseph Noel Sylvestre "Visigoths Sack Rome"
Joseph Noel Sylvestre “Visigoths Sack Rome”
Raja Ravi Varma "Shantanu and Satyavati"
Raja Ravi Varma “Shantanu and Satyavati”
Eugen von Blaas "Die Wassertragerin"
Eugen von Blaas “Die Wassertragerin”
Eugen von Blaas "In the Water"
Eugen von Blaas “In the Water”
Wilhelm von Kaulbach "Die Seeschlacht bei Salamis" (1868)
Wilhelm von Kaulbach “Die Seeschlacht bei Salamis” (1868)
Wilhelm von Kaulbach "The Destruction of Jerusalem by Titus"
Wilhelm von Kaulbach “The Destruction of Jerusalem by Titus”
Franz von Lenbach "Family von Lenbach"
Franz von Lenbach “Family von Lenbach”
Franz von Lenbach "Porträt Marion Lenbach" (1901)
Franz von Lenbach “Porträt Marion Lenbach” (1901)
Carl Timoleon von Neff "The Bather"
Carl Timoleon von Neff “The Bather”
Carl Timoleon von Neff "Italian Woman with Children on the Stairs"
Carl Timoleon von Neff “Italian Woman with Children on the Stairs”
Georg von Rosen "Adolf Erik Nordenskiöld målad" (1886)
Georg von Rosen “Adolf Erik Nordenskiöld målad” (1886)
Fritz Zuber-Bühler "Innocence"
Fritz Zuber-Bühler “Innocence”
Fritz Zuber-Bühler "The Poetess"
Fritz Zuber-Bühler “The Poetess”
Fritz Zuber-Bühler "Birth of Venus"
Fritz Zuber-Bühler “Birth of Venus”
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50 Lies About Woodchucks


Or, What Happens When a Facebook Thread Gets Out of Control

  1. The woodchuck is unique among the animals in that it has 14 different gizzards.
  2. Every woodchuck has a 1963 Ford Fairlane on blocks out back.
  3. Counter to popular belief, Woodchuck Cider is not named after the well-known rodentia, but rather after the accident that left founder William Turkle incapable of making a beer worth a damn.
  4. Traditionally, a woodchuck is required to pump the bilge and prepare light snacks on all seagoing Inuit kayaks. This is the origin of Washington state’s motto.
  5. Al Gore stole the plans for the Internet from a woodchuck he was roommates with at Harvard.
  6. Woodchucks are the only animals who do their own taxes.
  7. After a woodchuck is mature, they are expected to give three years of their life to their King in military service with the hopes that one day, there will be an end to the Great Beaver War.
  8. No woodchuck has ever been convicted of serious fraud. All such trials have resulted in a hung jury.
  9. Chuck Norris was named after the respected and feared creature.
  10. Woodchucks live in the deepest corners of the Serengeti, and not the bottoms of the oceans as we once thought.
  11. Instagram is now 90% woodchucks.
  12. There’s a new drug plaguing our streets derived from woodchuck droppings that has similar addictive qualities to heroin and Sunny D. The depraved youth ensnared in its smelly grasp refer to the act of taking the drug as “chucking” or “doing the chuck”.
  13. Woodchucks are circumcised in utereo.
  14. Of course, in the ancient tongues, ‘woodchuck’ means ‘one who seeks vengence upon his enemies…’
  15. Woodchuck urine is used as a coagulating agent in chewing gum and hot dogs.
  16. No human has ever photographed a woodchuck in the wild. All such photographs are of cardboard cutouts. The photographs used to produce the cardboard cutouts are taken by marsupials.
  17. While many woodchucks died in the Polish uprising, the Tomb of the Unknown Woodchuck in Warsaw is believed to be the result of a spelling error.
  18. If you see a woodchuck in the wild, you should not approach it. It will “friend zone” you.
  19. At least two woodchucks are required to initiate critical mass in a sphere of U-238.
  20. Woodchucks are known for their sharp wit and unparalleled literary prose. They are actually behind great works, such as “Henry IV Part 2” and “The Little Engine That Could.”
  21. A woodchuck can metabolize wood cellulose into AIDS. But only the bad kind.
  22. The first woodchuck was discovered during the Crusades. The second during the roaring twenties
  23. In a rare artistic move, Michael Bay has cast only woodchucks in “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”.
  24. The woodchuck is the only animal mentioned favorably in Leviticus.
  25. Spontaneous generation was disproven when a jar of spoiled meat was covered with cheesecloth and no woodchucks were present after several days
  26. In Japan, the woodchuck is known as “The Silent Fang Devious Fighter Monster”.
  27. The woodchuck cannot actually chuck wood.
  28. Being in possession of one or less woodchucks is only a civil offense in Massachusetts now.
  29. What is thought to be a plesiosaurus in Loch Ness is actually just a really fat woodchuck.
  30. During WWII, woodchucks were used as transport for ammunition and cigarettes for Allied forces.
  31. I did not have sexual relations with that woodchuck.
  32. A homeopathic remedy prepared by a woodchuck will in fact work.
  33. Before reaching terminal velocity, one should apply a salve of two parts woodchuck excretia, one part egg, and one part pine sap to exposed flesh to prevent chapping
  34. A murder of crows. A gaggle of geese. An overbooking of woodchucks.
  35. Don’t pour salt on a woodchuck.
  36. Modern woodchucks use lasers to accomplish in minutes what, only a few decades ago, would have taken months.
  37. The “sleep of the woodchuck” and “woodchuck’s bane” are fighting styles studied in the countrysides of France, England and Belgium.
  38. Woodchucks do not get cancer. They give it.
  39. That which does not kill you, makes you a woodchuck
  40. Not only can a woodchuck divide by zero, they will brag about it to anyone that will listen.
  41. It is a 19th Century misconception that people in Columbus’s time considered the woodchuck flat, or good at baseball.
  42. The woodchuck will build a time machine and then travel back in time to a point before the machine was turned on. They will then use their knowledge of the future to make life difficult for the beavers.
  43. Be careful not to confuse the major categories! Some woodchucks are doric, others are ionic, but all woodchucks are corinthian. This can be remembered with the mnemonic “SPECKLEFLAB.”
  44. Did you know I was raised by woodchucks? My mother, though a bit bitey, would lovingly send me off to school with a bag of homemade toothpicks for lunch. School was difficult though. Kids would pelt me with their cruel taunts like, “Want some wood chips, up chuck?” and “Hey, look at the naked kid who thinks he’s a woodchuck!” One day, my mother, after trying to gnaw my face off with care, said I’d have to go live amongst the humans and never know true woodland joy again. To this day, when see a stump carved by a chainsaw sculptor or smell the saw dust on a bar room floor, a tear comes to my eye. I miss you mom.
  45. The popular slogan, “Just give me a woodchuck and I’ll show you who’s cock of this motherfucker!” is attributed to American founding father Benjamin Franklin. He is known to have screamed it during an orgy with 14 aristocratic French women, and was probably high at the time. Steven Foster’s 1889 song has been recorded by such luminaries as Artie Shaw, Janis Joplin, and A-Ha.
  46. The classic film, “The Wizard of Oz”, originally had woodchucks instead of munchkins. The original Tin Woodsman had to bow out not because of an allergic reaction to metal paint, but rather violent facial and ass attacks by woodchucks.
  47. Everyone’s spirit animal is a woodchuck.
  48. Alan Ginsberg wrote an unpublished poem called “A Furry Fanfare Ferociously Fandangoing” describing the plight of the woodchuck in Man’s world. Ginsberg’s mistress was a woodchuck.
  49. Conceptually brilliant but uneven in execution, woodchucks are known as the Joel Hodgson of the animal kingdom.
  50. The famous woodchuck scene from “Bambi” is the longest orgy in any Disney movie.

The blog is back online. Older posts will return as soon as I find a way to rescue them from my broken copy of Blosxom…

Pioneering Scientists Poster

This poster is the result of a call for art for my best friend’s baby room. She had her first, a girl, the precise day in August after I dropped a framed copy of this off. The process started back in June, when I commissioned illustrator Kristin Palach to design and ink the characters. I loaded her down with a novella’s worth of notes, but Kristin was fantastic to work with, and her art is utterly squee-worthy. Colors and layout are my own.

YouTube Captioning: Hello! Project Egg Interviews

Dozens more captioned YouTube videos, including several complete feature films, at YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com. Create your own embeddable captioned YouTube videos with the YouTube Captioning Thing Editor!


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When I was young I got a corpse sniffing dog.
Mom said I could earn extra money, but we never really found much. Except for that Philippino mob hit one time.
You f****** don’t know what the f*** you’re straight f****** dealing with.
I will straight f*** you up until you don’t know your taint from the Pillsbury f****** doughboy.
You b****-a** c*** mongling ball-snorting p***-holes better step off before you’re yelling, “Don’t pop my a**!”
However, if my demands are not met, the consequences for you, your economy, and your very way of life will be incalculable.
I am not mad, but have been driven to this mad act by your myopic refusal to see reason. Join me in this bright future, or oppose me and meet your destruction!
But people don’t realize that Alan Thicke is also a composer. How talented is he, right!?
Still Not Quite Human was really the apex of the trilogy. (Jay Underwood was so cute!) Who but Alan could have pulled off Dr. Jonas Carson a THIRD TIME?
My friend’s turtle got gas, so we took it to the vet.
And he said it wasn’t a turtle, it was a weasel. And we’re like, if it’s a weasel then why doesn’t it have a shell?
Punch and kick are all in the mind. But they’re also in the fist and the foot. Fortunately.
Head butt is in neither. Elbow — that one’s what you think.
When I’m ready, sensei will explain how that will stop an attacker from hitting me.
Charlie was deep in the wire, and we knew we’d only get one chance to break out of that sh**.
Ffolkes was holding his entrails in with a mess tin. A f****** mess tin. Whoever patched that bastard up should’ve got drinks and dinner first.
The kids at school always tease me because my mom is a giraffe.
Mom says being different is okay. As long as you’re tall, and can eat leaves high up. She says she’s disappointed in me too.
Hello? Who are all of you? I’m very frightened right now.
I was walking past a van. And now I’m here. I don’t know where my family is. I’m not even sure what country I’m in. Please send help.
Salmon can have sex anywhere they want.
I mean think about that for a minute. I don’t mean I want to have sex with a salmon, but…
Have you heard the Good News about Amway yet? F***!
Amway is not a multi-level marketing scam. It’s a multi-layered investment sales organization! And that’s way different!
Holy f***, are any of you as stoned as I am right now?
You ever look at your mouth? I mean like really look at your mouth, while you’re talking? Look down at your mouth, right now. I’m serious. Say, “Blah blah blah.”
No one happens to know a good lawyer, do they? It’s important.
I don’t want you to get the impression that I’ve done anything. But if you do know a good lawyer…
Last week my class voted me Most Likely to Be Mistakened for a Charlie Brown Character.
I guess it’s funny, but I still feel like a ticking bomb of rage, ready to explode. Which must be what happened to Charlie Brown eventually, right?
And who could forget the climactic Russian Roulette scene from The Deer Hunter? Four bullets!
I can’t even get through a movie unless it has at least one Russian Roulette scene. Hi Mom!
I’m sure you’ll have some cosmic rationale.
But here you are in the ninth… two men out and three men on. Nowhere to look but inside… where we all respond to pressure. Pressure!
The thing that’s really destroying this country? All the sex perverts!
What should the penalty for autoerotic asphyxiation be? Hang em! Deep throating? Weird stuff? What do you think? Hang the bastards!
As an earthling, I am very interested in this concept of “waffles.”
Please convey me to some ordinary Earth form of waffle. I will gladly exchange up to five pieces of paper for them.
I don’t understand — why do they call it horse racing? The horses always win.
It’s smart of those people to sit on the horse’s back. Horses are a lot faster than men. But what they should do, is at the end they should lean out front and jump right off. You know, right before the finish line. Photo finish! Men win! Yay! You know?
I believe that you should speak. With. Punctuation.
Nothing. Contributes. More to verbal. Misunderstanding. Than missing verbal. Punctuation episodes.
I’m not wearing blush. I’m having a strong allergic reaction right now.
It might be the air up here. Let me check.
F*** . . .
That didn’t seem to help either. It might be this fabric. I’m kind of allergic to everything. Listen, I’d better go find my rescue inhaler. You guys all just chill. I’ll be right back, and we can start over. Okay? Okay!
Urban Segway tours. Have you seen these? I have a tip.
Loosen the couplings with a #5 torx screwdriver. The second that thing gets up a good head of steam, the wheels come right off. Welcome to my crib, a**holes.
If you experience an erection lasting more than eighteen hours, it may be necessary to consult with a pharmacist — even a recreational pharmacist — like me.
Allow me now to demonstrate the pain of an overlong erection… Interpretively.
While it may seem like fun to sport a multi-hour erection on a bus, plane, or the civic club of your choice, please use caution and remember this: The penis is not a sundial.
There are many popular bands in the world today now.
Manifold, as one of these current bands, distinguishes itself with the use of a snare drum. They play the snare drum with sticks like this.
Despite all this, Manifold remains popular only among a circle of fans. I may have even made it up!
Okay, and then — you’re seriously not going to believe this — but, like, I’m totally serious, okay…
She’s being all, you know, and I’m like — obviously, I’m like, whatever. So she and this other girl are all like, eh? And here I am, like, didn’t she totally start this in the first place? But that wasn’t even the really important part…
Can you believe her? So then I’m like, whatever, and she’s all like, whatever! And I’m like, “As if!” — and she’s all, “As if?” — and we’re just like “As if nothing…” And she’s like, “As if nothing nothing.” Can you believe it!? Totally bullsh*t, right? Then we put on the wigs and crossed into Finland.
We appreciate you coming in for this interview at Retail Sports.
Unfortunately, the management is not able to offer you a position at this point in time.
Please do not worry whether our decision hinged in any part on your gross lack of physical fitness, or on your poor choice of clothing. But due to both of these limitations, I fully expect the door to hit your a** on the way out.
The Rest –
Actually, it’s not me. It’s entirely you. I just thought you should know that.
It’s kind of funny, actually, because you’re probably thinking, “Oh, I must have done something…” And you did. Practically everything wrong, in fact. And maybe you’re wondering if you were lame in bed, and guess what? Hole in one! You should really stop doing that ear thing for STARTERS…
Hey there! Japanese Velma here to share with y’all.
We almost had the case solved. Obviously it wasn’t “the man” in some form or other, because that would be against Japanese conformity. Clearly it was either a disgruntled maid, a disgruntled watress, a disgruntled waitress at a maid cafe, or an American.
Maybe a disgruntled American working in a maid cafe? Nah, that only happens in anime. So Shuki and Skoubi got high as balls on blowfish treats, we set a trap, and it turned out to be a pedophile. Again.
You slimebag maggots don’t deserve to be 4-F’ed under the letterhead of my beloved Corp! I will destroy and rebuild you! The first and last words out of your holes will be “cutie pie,” do you understand me? Bunny hop drills — 15 — now! Move it, worms, or there will be no shortcake!
Greetings from the 2011 Miss Soybean Tokaido (North)!
Most people don’t know that soybeans are a major source of many things. Hey, watch what I can do…
Soy… bean!
I should probably explain that my father cornered the market on soybeans in northern Tokaido over the past six years. Cross him, and you will be CRUSHED.
Hi! I’m auditioning to be the Fat One.
Even though I’m trim and in good shape, I have a slightly wide face on camera. I could be an icon to the faux-open-minded!
Hi! Batsh*t F***ing Crazy One, reporting for duty!
You ever start stabbing your life-sized character pillow, and you realize it’s not a pillow? Awkward. But what are you gonna do, stop?! Cosplayers should know better anyway. Stabby stab! …Hi, Mr. Agnew!
Assaulted by


They already packed up the boom mic, but I still want to audition for a Hello! Project girl group.
My dream is to be famous for four years, then struggle with a solo career for another six or so.
Check out this pout.
Eventually, I’ll abandon my suffocating dreams and become a history teacher or something. I might have a chance of achieving some happiness by, oh, 2025? Coolies!

Ranch House

I need suburbs. I need a ranch house. The suburbs I can build, but I need photographs. I need a ranch house in Boston.

There is one, according to a real estate website. Not far from me, maybe, as the crow flies.

Taking a neighbor friend’s camera stranded with me for over a week thanks to a pointless whateverthefuck with her roommate, I set off, round the lake and the roundabouts, and mount the hill. I’ve soon been walking for half an hour, and the light is slipping away.

This is where the wealthy, if not the superwealthy, live. You could forget you’re somewhere between the Arboretum and West Roxbury for a moment and believe you’re on a summer colony road on the coast of Maine. Gardens, hedges, slate, brick, and tiny golf green lawns. Sidewalks begin and end at random on the twisting hillside street. Clip off three feet of that decrepit mansion’s lawn to complete a sidewalk? He knows the mayor! If he’s still alive in there…

I’m not a student anymore. It’s been a long time. I’m moving discreetly along streets where people don’t walk to visit anyone, snapping pictures occasionally with a manual zoom lens. Should I say I work for a real-estate company if some gel-combed executive dad stomps out and demands to know what the samhill? Tell the truth, that I’m compositing bits and pieces of different photos into backdrops for a virtual film set? Say I’m on a public sidewalk and he can go fuck himself, more likely. You get more of yourself under yourself in your thirties, but you no longer have the endless blind confidence of a college student. It was a long time ago, and you thought the East Indies couldn’t be more than three weeks’ sail to the west. I must be supremely bored if I’m even wondering about this.

Farther than I expected, but there it is, marked by the real estate sign. A single-floor ranch. Brick. The wrong era. Built into a hillside, and almost entirely obscured by a hedge. Fuck it. Snap. Snap.

Up the hill. Dead end. That sounds good. A few more single level houses, also the wrong era. No era in particular, in fact, unless you call the ’80s trying to hide its shame an era.

“I was there, Gandalf. I was there, in the 1980s! I was there when the strength of men failed.”

Wend my way around. A different way off the hill. The light is going. Some interesting houses for later – once I’ve Photoshopped out the trees, hedges, power lines. Why must houses hide themselves away? A latchkey sprinkler erodes a mossy sloped lawn to mud. Old garage doors built into the hillside molder, automobile mausoleums waiting for the final burial of the car. It wasn’t the auto that built these suburbs and exurbs in the 1920s, but the light rail, and thermodynamics always win in the end.

That night. Transfer the pictures. Call the girl. Voicemail: I’d like to chat. Text: What’s up? Me: Help me run your roommate’s camera equipment back up? Her: Did you call her? Me: I want to talk to you, but figured we could do something useful as well. After a while: Will it help if I promise I’m not a vampire?

She comes downstairs, grabs an armful. She says she doesn’t have time to talk. Up the stairs. She doesn’t appear to be doing anything. Later in the week? I accept.

I’ll be shocked if she calls. She’s so much like me as a student, putting things off until they go away, avoiding life, covering for her shyness. So much like me now. But I’m sick of the whole thing. I’m sick of being a gentleman. I’m sick of identical “It’s not you, it’s me” speeches from women with nothing else in common.

Men. Women. The unfinished revolutions. The uncomfortable détentes. The ugly houses, zealously maintained.

Nicholas Roeg’s “Walkabout”

A man drives his son and teenage daughter (credited only as White Girl and White Boy) into the outback, lights the car on fire, tries to shoot them, and caps himself. Young aborigine (Black Boy) finds them, helps them return to civilization. Film.

This isn’t a movie that’s seen very often anymore, which is a shame.

I actually first saw Walkabout in a film class in high school. We had a video projector on the cyclorama of the school stage jury-rigged into a quasi-cinema. Our teacher, having spent his ’60s youth (and met his Kiwi wife) hitchhiking around Australia and New Zealand (in a way very foreign to a ’90s teenager) didn’t seem to have actually sat down and watched the movie through in some time. Being reminded how risqué it becomes at times, the class could see him squirming, but we wouldn’t let him turn it off.

What a remarkable film. It has moments that’ve stayed with me ever since, through film school and beyond. Interestingly, the current rage that year for us Black Boy/White Girl-aged students had been Aussie Baz Luhrmann’s overclocked refresh of Romeo + Juliet. The two might make an interesting double feature.

Animation: “The Gremlin”

An animation loop, for your pleasure. Something to remind me both what I love and hate about doing character animation. Created in Animation:Master and Final Cut.

Does anyone else remember that old “We’re gremlins from the Kremlin” Warner Brothers cartoon?

Panorama: The Frog Pond, Boston Common

Boston, MA.

Stitched together in Hugin 0.7.0 from 15 iPhone4 pictures. Mercator projection.

(Please forgive the delay since last posting a panorama. I’ve shot several, but been unable to produce any usable output with Hugin 2010.4.0 or Hugin 2011.0.1-Beta 2. It may simply be a question of Hugin growing more particular about its input, while my fascination remains the unpredictability inherent in building a panorama up from numerous low-quality images. I’ve admitted defeat and fallen back to version 0.7.0.)

“Before Roe v. Wade”

Linda Greenhouse and Reva B. Siegel’s Before Roe v. Wade: Voices That Shaped the Abortion Debate Before the Supreme Court’s Ruling suffers from an excess of exegesis. Half again as many primary documents could have been included in the same number of pages if not for the long, often redundant introductory remarks to each entry. It is, never the less, a fascinating snapshot of an era fast dropping out of living (or accurate) memory. Did you know that more Republicans supported abortion decriminalization than Democrats in the late ’60s? More Catholics than Protestants? That there were clergy organizations dedicated to helping women to obtain safe clinical abortions?

This was an era when “the pill” was new and relatively dangerous. When it wasn’t known that 60-80% of fertilized eggs are rejected by the human body. When a woman would be required by her university to withdraw if she became pregnant, and a woman had no recourse to being fired over a pregnancy. When rape of a woman by her spouse did not exist as a legal concept. It was an era when the social status of an unmarried pregnant woman was vastly lower than it is even today.

A variety of voices and arguments came forth, and I’ve included a number of passages that struck me below. What I didn’t find in Before Roe were a variety of arguments from the opposition to decriminalization. Whether this is a result of the editors’ decisions, or an accurate reflection of the intellectual climate I can’t say. All counterarguments presented seemed to rest on one unstated major assumption: That at the moment of fusion the egg and sperm cell become the moral equivalent of an adult human being. Here is the most succinct attempt to argue the assertion I could find in the text:

“….NRLC sees no point in belaboring the scientifically obvious. Life begins at conception and for practical medical purposes can be scientifically verified within 14 days. Within three weeks, at a point much before the ‘quickening’ can be felt by the mother, the fetus manifests a working heart, a nerve system, and a brain different from and independent of the mother in whose womb he resides; the unborn fetus is now a living human being. It is universally agreed that life has begun by the time the mother realizes she is pregnant and asks her doctor to perform an abortion.”

On closer reading, the National Right to Life Committee here gives only a definition. But just as the watchful parent deprives the child of less and less of her liberty as she develops, the transition from cell to human being would seem logically to be a gradient, absent some metaphysical concept of Creation. (Logically to me at least, but it is my web page. And I really am trying to understand.)

The passages follow.


“We continue to believe that birth control should not be based upon a lottery system; i.e. if your means of control breaks down you lose, and gain a child. After all, if a couple does not desire a child, that should be that. It is not a game. Children are not meant to be a punishment…”


“…Women are the passive objects that somehow must be regulated–thalidomide, rape, incest, what have you, you know. What right have they to say? What right has any man to say to any woman: you must bear this child?”


“Seventh, the law violates the First Amendment prohibition against laws establishing a religion. This argument refers partly to the role of the Catholic Church in opposing abortion reform, and partly to the broader issue of imposing by law upon a woman a belief about the nature of life that is not necessarily her own. In his senior paper at N.Y.U. Lucas had written: ‘If a woman believes that life began in the “prehistoric slime” and is not created but only passed along by conception and that a fetus in early development need not be accorded a right to continue growing within her body, she is nonetheless prohibited from acting freely on that belief.'”


“In the 1820s, New York’s lawmakers decided to gather the diverse common law provisions into a modern, unified code of law. The commissioners appointed to this task changed the common law regarding abortion, and made abortion before quickening a misdemeanor and abortion [after] quickening a felony, except when necessary to preserve the life of the mother. Means tried to discover why the revisers had changed the common law, and he thinks he has found the reason in a section of the proposed revisions that the Legislature did not adopt: a prohibition against all surgery, unless necessary to save the patient’s life.

Based on New York hospital records of those day, before the era of antiseptic surgery, about 30 percent of all serious operations, including abortion, resulted in death. During the same period, the death rate from childbirth was about 2 percent.

…In the United States, the maternal mortality rate, excluding deaths from abortion, is about 23 per 100,000, making abortion statistically almost 8 times safer than a term pregnancy instead of 15 times more dangerous.”


“Illegal abortions are the single largest cause of maternal death in the United States. The tragedy is compounded by the fact that virtually no deaths result when an abortion is conducted in accordance with proper medical procedures. Tietze and Lewit, in the January 1969 Scientific American state that hundreds of thousands of illegal abortions are done each year. Many authorities believe, however, that the figure should be a million to a million-and-a-half.

Most abortions are done on unwed girls or women who are married and who already have at least one child. It is generally believed that one out of every five pregnancies ends in abortion; that one out of every five women will have an abortion by the time she is 45. Most of the forty-one women who died in New York City as a result of illegal abortions during the last two years were married and left children behind….”


“Under the distinguished leadership of retired Court of Appeals Judge Charles W. Froessel, the select committee found that the then existing, 19th-century, near-total prohibition against abortion was fostering hundreds of thousands of illegal and dangerous abortions. It was discriminating against women of modest means who could not afford an abortion haven and the often frightened, unwed, confused young women. It was promoting hypocrisy and, ultimately, human tragedy.

I supported the majority recommendations of the Froessel committee throughout the public debate of this issue extending over three years, until the Legislature acted to reform the state’s archaic abortion law. I can see no justification now for repealing this reform and thus condemning hundreds of thousands of women to the dark age once again.”


“I am Francis Harwood, Assistant Professor of Anthropology. I live in Middletown, Connecticut. I would like to say that a number of speakers today have stressed the control by women over their own bodies. I would be for this entirely. However, it is often out of our hands. I was assaulted and raped six years ago. I was impregnated at that time. I then had to make a decision. I did not want the child. I did not think I could care for it and so I went and obtained an abortion. I had five hundred dollars in my savings, luckily. For those who don’t, things can get and be much worse. You go, you put the cash on the barrelhead and it is then done, often without any anesthesia. In my case, the abortionist insisted on further intercourse. This is not something a woman should be subjected to….”


“The existence of a woman’s constitutional right to such privacy has been set forth by the Supreme Court. Eisenstadt v. Baird (1972); Griswold v. Connecticut (1965). Indeed, Baird may have anticipated the outcome of cases such as this when the Court observed:

‘If the right to privacy means anything, it is the right of the individual, married or single, to be free from unwarranted governmental intrusion into matters so fundamentally affecting a person as the decision whether to bear or beget a child.'”


“If the fetus survives the period of gestation, it will be born and then become a person entitled to the legal protections of the Constitution. But its capacity to become such a person does not mean that during gestation it is such a person. The unfertilized ovum also has the capacity to become a living human being, but the Constitution does not endow it with rights which the state may protect by interfering with the individual’s choice of whether the ovum will be fertilized. Griswold.


“It is obvious that the legislative decision forbidding abortions also destroys potential life–that of the pregnant woman–just as a legislative decision to permit abortions destroys potential life. The question then becomes not one of destroying or preserving potential, but one of who shall make the decision. Obviously some decisions are best left to a representative process since individual decisions on medical facilities, wars, or the release of a convict would tend toward the chaotic. It is our contention that the decision on abortion is exactly the opposite. A representative or majority decision making process has led to chaos. Indeed, in the face of two difficult, unresolvable choices–to destroy life potential in either a fetus or its host–the choice can only be left to one of the entities whose potential is threatened.

The above argument is perhaps only another way of stating that when fundamental rights are infringed upon, the State bears the burden of demonstrating a compelling interest for doing so. The question of the life of the fetus versus the woman’s right to choose whether she will be the host for that life is incapable of answer through the legislative fact-finding process. Whether one considers the fetus a human being is a problem of definition rather than fact. Given a decision which cannot be reached on the basis of fact, the State must give way to the individual for it can never bear its burden of demonstrating that facts exist which set up a compelling state interest for denying individual rights.”


“A doctor has a direct, personal, substantial interest for his decision may send him to jail. Not only does the State prevent the physician from making an impartial decision about terminating his patient’s pregnancy, it unfairly influences this decision in a shocking way. The State says that only if the physician wrongly decides that the operation is needed to preserve her life is he criminally liable. If he wrongly decided the operation is not needed to preserve her life, he is subject to no criminal penalties. The State of Texas thus requires that all errors in a doctor’s evaluation of his patient’s need for termination of pregnancy be on the side of her death…”


“Certain assumptions must be made and constitutionally accepted to find that there is a basis of rationality to the exclusion of the above-mentioned classes of women from the statute’s protection. One is that human-life begins with fertilization of egg by sperm. Another is that this ‘life’ is equivalent to the life of the woman, and the life-saving exception to the abortion law is a rational balancing of interests by the state, analogous to the laws of self-defense.

It is remarkable that the existence of a one-day-old fetus is to be equaled with the life of a grown woman. The woman is–beyond doubt–a human being, one upon whom other human beings (husbands, children, etc.) depend in a variety of ways essential to the sanctity of the family, and whose impaired health may be critically disruptive to that family; or one who may not have consented to sexual intercourse made felonious by the state, yet who is forced to bear the consequences of that same felonious act. This equivalency of interest between a microscopic embryo and the woman who bears it must be assumed in the Texas law, however, since that statute draws no line, such as viability, as the time to invoke the state’s protection.”


“The religious view that the product of every conception is sacred may not validly be urged by the States as a justification for limiting the exercise of constitutional liberties of all persons to conduct their private lives without unwarranted governmental interference.”


“Let us assume, for the time being, that the pregnant woman and the fetus she carried within her body have come before the law as equal ‘persons.’ …[T]he laws prohibiting and regulating abortion, unlike all other laws in respect of persons, compel this pregnant woman to breathe, process food, and donate blood for the sustenance of another human entity, either fully or partially developed. In no other instance does the law give another human–even a fully developed human–a right to life beyond that which the person himself can sustain.”

YouTube Captioning: The Ancient Church (1of3)

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If a synth hit that heavy doesn’t save you, the ’80s hold no salvation for you!

In the Beginning, there was an awkward silence…



We are just working Adobe Premier 3.1 here.

The Thomas Haden Story

Ahh. The born-again Baldwin.

“Verily, as ye have done unto the least of these Baldwins, so have ye done unto me” –Celebs 3:41

Yeah? Tea?

Waa hoo raa!

And now ended. Nice going, Sister Celibacy.

“To dissipate. Perhaps nucleate a raindrop.”

(By men obviously. We never finish anything.)


Wherever quality churches are sold!

Before the invention of science, a candle had to be a candle in the darkness. Functional, but lacking in poetry.

“…Voltron style…”

“…and potlatch…”

“…right across from the laundromat.”

Among other things.

The ax can’t wait until noon?

“…Jesus don’t want none/ ‘Less you got buns hon…”

And one that claims to be a cheap knockoff. They’re weird.

Human nature?

Oh, this is a terrible art gallery.

We’re going in, we’re going in FULL THROTTLE! That aught to keep those Papists off our tail!

Geez, get a plant 325 A.D.

And coming soon to Copley Square, Cleveland Circle and The Shops of the Prudential!

Is anyone else seeing an upside down cock & balls?

“…loser James…”

*cough* Nepotism! *cough!*


Even the parts that aren’t cruel or nonsensical?

God’s all wise, he’s just not a very clear communicator.

“…It ended in a pie fight.”

15 axes? Are we sure none of them were splitting mauls?

#1. Point cannon away from face.

Faith in Santa.

Legionaries wore Birkenstocks?

The mothers didn’t trouble their pretty little heads over it.

“…and sculpt ever more elaborate brass dandelions.”

“It’s still wet.”

Count Dooku?

(90 years. Men. Gotta love us.)


                                                  Bored sick

“Look, a penny.”

“Look, a penny.”

“Look, a penny.”

“Look, a penny.”

Meanwhile, Islam.

“They are as exciting as they sound.”

What about the Coptics?

“Jesus! Shut your head off! We’re trying to sleep down here.”

Just like “Joey” on NBC.

You’d think God would have seen this coming.

1. The unification or trinary nature of the Trinity

2. Godzilla

“…bowl cuts.”

Baldwin’s voice has a comforting “what the sh*t-ness” to it.