How to Write a Pretty Darn Good OKCupid Profile

How to Write a Pretty Darn Good OKCupid Profile

I’m a 30-something, single, straight male with a decent job, the ability to dress myself, some social graces and worldliness, a liking for kids, and the desire to “settle down” and begin the next adventure of my life. This, in theory, means that I’m the sort of man that women in their late 20s to late 30s join dating sites like OKCupid.com to meet.

Yeah, it’s a weird thought for me too.

I’ve been on and off the site for several years, and had several relationships with women I’ve met through it. As such, after helping my roommate with her own profile, I’ve been asked to put together some tips on what we look for–and don’t look for.

It’s Ladies Night on SpaceToast.net.

It’s Only a Marketing Piece

Write enough to distinguish yourself. You’re the product. Give us a reason to remember you. You don’t get to post a three line profile and then complain that guys only write, “Hey girl heeey!” You love [local sports team], [popular band], travel, and your family? Great. Your prince will not be able to read your mind; weren’t you paying attention to Frozen?

Don’t write a novel. Respect your reader’s time and attention. There’s always more to know about you; that’s what chatting and meeting up is for. This is a marketing piece, and not in the sense of a McKinley-era broadsheet ad. Too much too fast too soon is overwhelming and impossible to keep straight.

Keep It Positive

Negativity suggests more down deeper. Keep it light. You won’t always be feeling that way, but who does? Remember: it’s marketing. If you can’t keep it positive for a few short paragraphs, it’s possible you’re not ready for the dating scene right now. You may get a lot of crap messages from guys, but complaining about them isn’t going to make those sorts of guys stop. Sorry they exist, but there’s nothing we can do about them either. Just hit delete and move on.

Take a risk. You may be nervous about online dating, in which case there’s a tendency to strike an ironic tone. Trust yourself a little more. Display some warmth. It won’t attract the wrong people, any more than being standoffish will attract the right ones. If you’ve been on for a long time and dealt with every sort of jerk the internet can throw at you, you still need to take that risk: Remember that we’re not all like that. Ignore the haters. Keep your head high.

Don’t be proud of your sarcasm. At the end of the day, sarcasm is a defense mechanism. It’s the opposite of taking a risk. It’s used to keep your feelings buried behind a facade. Sarcasm is often useful in life, but beware of drawing too much attention to it. All you’re saying is that you–the real you–is locked deep in this fortress, and good luck battling your way in on one Continue.

Don’t complain about your exes. Explicitly or implicitly, it doesn’t paint you as someone who’s moved on. We’ve all got scars. We’ve all been there. You don’t want to be hindered by our baggage any more than we enjoy the prospect of having to hire the Argonauts to navigate the unbecalmed seas of your past. “And if you’re some partly-functioning alcoholic? do. not. bother. messaging me!” doesn’t screen out real alcoholics, but it does tell us you picked a real Mr. Toad and stayed on his wild ride far longer than any girl with your brains should have.

Men and Women Are Attracted to Different Things

We don’t care about your self confidence. (And that’s okay.) Here’s the simplest useful model of basically straight male/female attraction. Make a list, in order, of the traits you find most attractive. Swap the order of physical attractiveness and self-confidence. Done. That’s the list of what we care the most about. Our desire for you has virtually nothing to do with your self-confidence; we decide what a person is worth, male or female. Can you find a man without self-confidence desirable though? No, but the wasted musician body or beer gut is pretty well negotiable. In case you haven’t noticed how much we preen in our profile photos (bare chest laydeez!), it’s as counterintuitive to us the other way around as it is to you.

Include at least one solo picture. Selfies are totally okay. We believe that you have friends. Don’t make us study Set Theory and dust off a Guess Who board just to figure out which one you are. There’s something quantumly strange about a woman who can only appear in photos with other people.

Hint at a real vulnerability. It’s possible your inner 12 year old still wants us to be unassailably rom-com perfect, but we don’t want you to be like that. (What would we even talk about?) At some point OKCupid did away with the question, “What’s the most personal thing you’re willing to admit?” It’s true an annoyingly high percentage of women punted on it (“Then it wouldn’t be personal lol right????”) but it was a good prompt because it nudged you to admit to a fault. A profile is barely-disguised braggadocio no matter what (see above: marketing) but coming across too perfect merely makes you look narcissistic.

Overused on OKC

Travelly travel travel travel travel! I get it. You like to see the world. But you need to hear this: If seeing ever more of the world implicitly made one a better person, I’d hate to see where some of you started. I’ve done enough of it myself to notice something people don’t like to talk about: it’s a total hookup scene. The guys you imagine seeing the world with are mostly into it for that reason. There’s something subtly corrosive about becoming too involved. When spinning the globe and going somewhere else becomes the solution to life’s unmet desires, how can one succeed in a real relationship, with a real person, day after day after day after day…? Broaden your horizons, but remember that some of life’s important adventures start by stepping out your door, and some start by crying over a hand holding yours.

Ducky wips? What are you in middle school? (Yes? Crap, now I have to wipe my hard drive again…) I told you selfies are okay, but act your age, not your Korean size.

Fuck your cat. Yes, I said it. I’m sure your pussy is very pretty, but there’s a place for that on the side of your profile. If it’s all over your pictures and you can’t stop writing about the damn thing you might as well just get one of those little rolling carts and a “Cat Lady in Training” tee shirt. Will three dozen be enough? Real cat ladies can’t count them.

And For the Guys

Don’t write “Hey girl heeey!”

No one wants to see your chest, penis or vehicle. No, not even together.

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The 8 Worst Web Design Trends of 2016

Here’s your listicle.

1. Hey! Sign Up For Our Fucking Mailing List!

It’s a popup ad. In 2016. It’s a fucking popup ad, in fucking 2016. I mean, it’s… fuck. Just fuck.

What is the matter with you people? I don’t fucking want that. If I did I’d fucking find it–probably in the fucking sidebar, where I still don’t fucking want it. I’ve been on your site for three seconds and now you think I want fucking email updates? Aren’t we getting along nicely. I don’t even know what your fucking site is about yet.

Oh, did she say that–that it’d increase engagement, or some equally vague drivel?  You need to turn the firehose on your SEO person. She needs to feel that pain that we have felt.

I mean… In 2016… Just fuck!

(And yes, I realize your SEO person hadn’t even been born when we won the first holy war against popups, but… just…)

2. Fuck Your Back Button

We live in a Dark Age of the back button. Shitty things happen when AJAX is given to children.

To wit: Ooh, that looks interesting. Click. Oh, no, it isn’t. Click back.

Wait, why am I at the top of the page again? I just scrolled through half a mile of posts! How am I supposed to find where I was again? Why am I supposed to find where I was again? If only I had a computer to automate this sort of manual labor for me.

It’s one thing when a Tumblr skin does it, because we don’t expect much from MySpace 2.0 (and we probably shouldn’t be looking at porn at work anyway) but the official WordPress themes gallery? Get it together.

And on a related note…

3. IJSF — It Just Scrolls Forever

Hyperlinks are so Gopher. OMG. So is saying OMG. (I’m just doing it ironically. I’m also being ironic totally ironically. So grunge!)

And the best part is, since everyone will expect the different pages to be on, like, different pages, I’ll put a little animated “down” arrow in, so that they know they have to scroll down. And I’ll slow down the scrolling with acceleration/deceleration animation for no good reason. It’ll be so klinkenborg!

What, you don’t know what klinkenborg means?

Gawd, Dad! This is why Mom left you.

4. Parallax Scrolling

This was cute for about 5 minutes. Along with the whole neat little razor nicks in the nylons thing. For about the same length of time. In about the same year.

5. The Hamburger Menu

Yes, we have devised an entirely self-referential skeuomorph. It’s a menu that references… a menu. Clap for we. One more thing for your mom not to understand to click on. One more thing for you to click on, because some waxed beard didn’t want his precious 10th free stock photo cluttered with anything even remotely useful. Web design for people with their heads entirely up their asses.

6. Video Ads/Background Video/Autoplaying Video

I’m wasting your bandwidth, la lala la lala! Woo! Oh, you’re on your phone? I’m grandfathered into Verizon! I’m in Europe! I’m an overpaid marketing prick–I don’t care how much I spend on mobile data! Peons gonna peon!

It was bad enough when sites started loading 5MB of useless JavaScript. (Oh, did you minify it? Thanks kid.) Now they’re expecting us to pull down ten times as much crap per pageload. Advertising wankers (sorry, “marketing wankers”) bitch and moan about us all installing ad blockers, without taking responsibility for their own shitty decisions that make it de rigueur. We didn’t start this war, but if we have to win on casualties, we will.

7. Image Rotators

Face it: The web is a pull technology, like a book, not a push technology, like television. Pithier? The web is not tv. A website is a place that invites a visitor to explore it, not an active entity that pushes the experience at her. (Hence “site.”) I know you want to highlight more content in the same space but–and this is very hard to accept–the image rotator simply makes the site busier and more distracting, discouraging the user from exploring it. Counter-intuitive? Welcome to reality.

Try it yourself, as an end-user. You’ll understand. I’m not even swearing at you.

8. It Must Be Flatter!

By 2020 will come victory. Every website will be a single bold, subtle, surprising, retro, professional, unusual or dick pic-sampled color. You will read sites by copying at random and pasting into a text editor.

Bonus

Find a half-decent WordPress theme that doesn’t commit any, or indeed most of these sins. Feel free to make a rudimentary Bingo card. The relaunched STP runs on Lavish, which is the closest I could get.

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The blog is back online. Older posts will return as soon as I find a way to rescue them from my broken copy of Blosxom…

YouTube Captioning: Hello! Project Egg Interviews

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Auditions
When I was young I got a corpse sniffing dog.
Mom said I could earn extra money, but we never really found much. Except for that Philippino mob hit one time.
You f****** don’t know what the f*** you’re straight f****** dealing with.
I will straight f*** you up until you don’t know your taint from the Pillsbury f****** doughboy.
You b****-a** c*** mongling ball-snorting p***-holes better step off before you’re yelling, “Don’t pop my a**!”
However, if my demands are not met, the consequences for you, your economy, and your very way of life will be incalculable.
I am not mad, but have been driven to this mad act by your myopic refusal to see reason. Join me in this bright future, or oppose me and meet your destruction!
But people don’t realize that Alan Thicke is also a composer. How talented is he, right!?
Still Not Quite Human was really the apex of the trilogy. (Jay Underwood was so cute!) Who but Alan could have pulled off Dr. Jonas Carson a THIRD TIME?
My friend’s turtle got gas, so we took it to the vet.
And he said it wasn’t a turtle, it was a weasel. And we’re like, if it’s a weasel then why doesn’t it have a shell?
Punch and kick are all in the mind. But they’re also in the fist and the foot. Fortunately.
Head butt is in neither. Elbow — that one’s what you think.
When I’m ready, sensei will explain how that will stop an attacker from hitting me.
Charlie was deep in the wire, and we knew we’d only get one chance to break out of that sh**.
Ffolkes was holding his entrails in with a mess tin. A f****** mess tin. Whoever patched that bastard up should’ve got drinks and dinner first.
The kids at school always tease me because my mom is a giraffe.
Mom says being different is okay. As long as you’re tall, and can eat leaves high up. She says she’s disappointed in me too.
Hello? Who are all of you? I’m very frightened right now.
I was walking past a van. And now I’m here. I don’t know where my family is. I’m not even sure what country I’m in. Please send help.
Salmon can have sex anywhere they want.
I mean think about that for a minute. I don’t mean I want to have sex with a salmon, but…
Have you heard the Good News about Amway yet? F***!
Amway is not a multi-level marketing scam. It’s a multi-layered investment sales organization! And that’s way different!
Holy f***, are any of you as stoned as I am right now?
You ever look at your mouth? I mean like really look at your mouth, while you’re talking? Look down at your mouth, right now. I’m serious. Say, “Blah blah blah.”
No one happens to know a good lawyer, do they? It’s important.
I don’t want you to get the impression that I’ve done anything. But if you do know a good lawyer…
Last week my class voted me Most Likely to Be Mistakened for a Charlie Brown Character.
I guess it’s funny, but I still feel like a ticking bomb of rage, ready to explode. Which must be what happened to Charlie Brown eventually, right?
And who could forget the climactic Russian Roulette scene from The Deer Hunter? Four bullets!
I can’t even get through a movie unless it has at least one Russian Roulette scene. Hi Mom!
I’m sure you’ll have some cosmic rationale.
But here you are in the ninth… two men out and three men on. Nowhere to look but inside… where we all respond to pressure. Pressure!
The thing that’s really destroying this country? All the sex perverts!
What should the penalty for autoerotic asphyxiation be? Hang em! Deep throating? Weird stuff? What do you think? Hang the bastards!
As an earthling, I am very interested in this concept of “waffles.”
Please convey me to some ordinary Earth form of waffle. I will gladly exchange up to five pieces of paper for them.
I don’t understand — why do they call it horse racing? The horses always win.
It’s smart of those people to sit on the horse’s back. Horses are a lot faster than men. But what they should do, is at the end they should lean out front and jump right off. You know, right before the finish line. Photo finish! Men win! Yay! You know?
I believe that you should speak. With. Punctuation.
Nothing. Contributes. More to verbal. Misunderstanding. Than missing verbal. Punctuation episodes.
I’m not wearing blush. I’m having a strong allergic reaction right now.
It might be the air up here. Let me check.
F*** . . .
That didn’t seem to help either. It might be this fabric. I’m kind of allergic to everything. Listen, I’d better go find my rescue inhaler. You guys all just chill. I’ll be right back, and we can start over. Okay? Okay!
Urban Segway tours. Have you seen these? I have a tip.
Loosen the couplings with a #5 torx screwdriver. The second that thing gets up a good head of steam, the wheels come right off. Welcome to my crib, a**holes.
If you experience an erection lasting more than eighteen hours, it may be necessary to consult with a pharmacist — even a recreational pharmacist — like me.
Allow me now to demonstrate the pain of an overlong erection… Interpretively.
While it may seem like fun to sport a multi-hour erection on a bus, plane, or the civic club of your choice, please use caution and remember this: The penis is not a sundial.
There are many popular bands in the world today now.
Manifold, as one of these current bands, distinguishes itself with the use of a snare drum. They play the snare drum with sticks like this.
Despite all this, Manifold remains popular only among a circle of fans. I may have even made it up!
Okay, and then — you’re seriously not going to believe this — but, like, I’m totally serious, okay…
She’s being all, you know, and I’m like — obviously, I’m like, whatever. So she and this other girl are all like, eh? And here I am, like, didn’t she totally start this in the first place? But that wasn’t even the really important part…
Can you believe her? So then I’m like, whatever, and she’s all like, whatever! And I’m like, “As if!” — and she’s all, “As if?” — and we’re just like “As if nothing…” And she’s like, “As if nothing nothing.” Can you believe it!? Totally bullsh*t, right? Then we put on the wigs and crossed into Finland.
We appreciate you coming in for this interview at Retail Sports.
Unfortunately, the management is not able to offer you a position at this point in time.
Please do not worry whether our decision hinged in any part on your gross lack of physical fitness, or on your poor choice of clothing. But due to both of these limitations, I fully expect the door to hit your a** on the way out.
The Rest –
Actually, it’s not me. It’s entirely you. I just thought you should know that.
It’s kind of funny, actually, because you’re probably thinking, “Oh, I must have done something…” And you did. Practically everything wrong, in fact. And maybe you’re wondering if you were lame in bed, and guess what? Hole in one! You should really stop doing that ear thing for STARTERS…
Hey there! Japanese Velma here to share with y’all.
We almost had the case solved. Obviously it wasn’t “the man” in some form or other, because that would be against Japanese conformity. Clearly it was either a disgruntled maid, a disgruntled watress, a disgruntled waitress at a maid cafe, or an American.
Maybe a disgruntled American working in a maid cafe? Nah, that only happens in anime. So Shuki and Skoubi got high as balls on blowfish treats, we set a trap, and it turned out to be a pedophile. Again.
I WILL POUND YOUR BALLS INTO THE GROUND! I WILL TEACH YOU THE MEANING OF PAIN!
You slimebag maggots don’t deserve to be 4-F’ed under the letterhead of my beloved Corp! I will destroy and rebuild you! The first and last words out of your holes will be “cutie pie,” do you understand me? Bunny hop drills — 15 — now! Move it, worms, or there will be no shortcake!
Greetings from the 2011 Miss Soybean Tokaido (North)!
Most people don’t know that soybeans are a major source of many things. Hey, watch what I can do…
Soy…
Soy… bean!
I should probably explain that my father cornered the market on soybeans in northern Tokaido over the past six years. Cross him, and you will be CRUSHED.
Hi! I’m auditioning to be the Fat One.
Even though I’m trim and in good shape, I have a slightly wide face on camera. I could be an icon to the faux-open-minded!
Hi! Batsh*t F***ing Crazy One, reporting for duty!
You ever start stabbing your life-sized character pillow, and you realize it’s not a pillow? Awkward. But what are you gonna do, stop?! Cosplayers should know better anyway. Stabby stab! …Hi, Mr. Agnew!
Assaulted by

Cute

They already packed up the boom mic, but I still want to audition for a Hello! Project girl group.
My dream is to be famous for four years, then struggle with a solo career for another six or so.
Check out this pout.
Eventually, I’ll abandon my suffocating dreams and become a history teacher or something. I might have a chance of achieving some happiness by, oh, 2025? Coolies!

YouTube Captioning: The Ancient Church (1of3)

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Hello folks! Thank you for joining us. I’d like to welcome you all to another fun riff with the YouTube Captioning-

DAH!

If a synth hit that heavy doesn’t save you, the ’80s hold no salvation for you!

In the Beginning, there was an awkward silence…

WITH ’80s LOVE FROM

WILSON PHILLIPS

We are just working Adobe Premier 3.1 here.

The Thomas Haden Story

Ahh. The born-again Baldwin.

“Verily, as ye have done unto the least of these Baldwins, so have ye done unto me” –Celebs 3:41

Yeah? Tea?

Waa hoo raa!

And now ended. Nice going, Sister Celibacy.

“To dissipate. Perhaps nucleate a raindrop.”

(By men obviously. We never finish anything.)

Gentrification?

Wherever quality churches are sold!

Before the invention of science, a candle had to be a candle in the darkness. Functional, but lacking in poetry.

“…Voltron style…”

“…and potlatch…”

“…right across from the laundromat.”

Among other things.

The ax can’t wait until noon?

“…Jesus don’t want none/ ‘Less you got buns hon…”

And one that claims to be a cheap knockoff. They’re weird.

Human nature?

Oh, this is a terrible art gallery.

We’re going in, we’re going in FULL THROTTLE! That aught to keep those Papists off our tail!

Geez, get a plant 325 A.D.

And coming soon to Copley Square, Cleveland Circle and The Shops of the Prudential!

Is anyone else seeing an upside down cock & balls?

“…loser James…”

*cough* Nepotism! *cough!*

Kinky!

Even the parts that aren’t cruel or nonsensical?

God’s all wise, he’s just not a very clear communicator.

“…It ended in a pie fight.”

15 axes? Are we sure none of them were splitting mauls?

#1. Point cannon away from face.

Faith in Santa.

Legionaries wore Birkenstocks?

The mothers didn’t trouble their pretty little heads over it.

“…and sculpt ever more elaborate brass dandelions.”

“It’s still wet.”

Count Dooku?

(90 years. Men. Gotta love us.)

                                                    ↑

                                                  Bored sick

“Look, a penny.”

“Look, a penny.”

“Look, a penny.”

“Look, a penny.”

Meanwhile, Islam.

“They are as exciting as they sound.”

What about the Coptics?

“Jesus! Shut your head off! We’re trying to sleep down here.”

Just like “Joey” on NBC.

You’d think God would have seen this coming.

1. The unification or trinary nature of the Trinity

2. Godzilla

“…bowl cuts.”

Baldwin’s voice has a comforting “what the sh*t-ness” to it.

YouTube Captioning: ALLERGY – A MAJOR BREAK-THROUGH IN CURING MOST HEALTH PROBLEMS!

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ARIAL: THE OFFICIAL FONT OF QUACKDOM

I don’t trust any doctor who can’t afford a shotgun mic.

“The pain of a two year old makes me feel nothing.”

“…none.”

REBOOT

“NEEEEeeeeeeeeEEEEEERVOUS system.”

Not if you’re choking.

“What? DON’T JUDGE ME!”

We don’t?

ARE you a doctor?

I only ask because there appears to be a boating poster where your diploma should be.

New V8 Heroin!

Like Windows XP.

But a bitch ain’t one.

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    

>                               

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    

>TA                             

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    

>TAKE                           

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    

>TAKE ELE                       

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    

>TAKE ELECTRI                   

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    

>TAKE ELECTRICITY               

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    

>TAKE ELECTRICITY               

SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly! 

>                               

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    

>TAKE ELECTRICITY               

SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly! 

>BU                             

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    

>TAKE ELECTRICITY               

SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly! 

>BURN                           

There is an ELECTRICITY here!    

>TAKE ELECTRICITY               

SCROTAR needs ELECTRICITY badly! 

>BURN IT                        

Not Jodi BENSON!?!

But what about heroin?

Do you need a magazine? You look like you’re full of sh*t.

I always get this guy at the express checkout.

“Add a rhinestone…”

Suppose away.

He calls it Health Scam?!?

“…except in your anus.”

Enough for what?

Things.

Aside from your personality.

Not the Antikythera machine.

*Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.

†Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.

†Not a legal health claim.

**Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.

†Not a legal health claim.

**Not a legal health claim.

‡†Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.

†Not a legal health claim.

**Not a legal health claim.

‡†Not a legal health claim.

¥Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.

†Not a legal health claim.

**Not a legal health claim.

‡†Not a legal health claim.

¥Not a legal health claim.

?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.

†Not a legal health claim.

**Not a legal health claim.

‡†Not a legal health claim.

¥Not a legal health claim.

?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.

*%‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.

*Not a legal health claim.

†Not a legal health claim.

**Not a legal health claim.

‡†Not a legal health claim.

¥Not a legal health claim.

?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.

*%‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.

$!#‡#%‡† Not a legal health claim!

*Not a legal health claim.

†Not a legal health claim.

**Not a legal health claim.

‡†Not a legal health claim.

¥Not a legal health claim.

?‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.

*%‡#%$! Not a legal health claim.

$!#‡#%‡† Not a legal health claim!

&?!*%‡#%$!#‡#%‡†!?! Not a legal ?‡#%$! health claim!

But the franchise goes downhill after Health Scan X-2.

o_O

-_-

/  \

o_O

/  \

>_<

/  \\

..o_O..

/^\\

..o_0..

He said, not making eye contact.

You must have travelled widely to be a quack.

Wouldn’t they just buy a scheming little dink like you out and make trillions on the patent?

Quinannually?

What percent of that percentage was pulled out of your ass?

I notice you haven’t electrocuted that thing off your face yet.

“Lick a 9v battery every day, and…”

MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!

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iMLOddS-oNU

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Assassin Kurt Loder strikes again, and leaves his calling card.
.

o

0

O

( Am I being emphasized? )

True to form, MTV still isn’t playing music.
“Flashy brighty things that go PUFF!”
Come on, Michael Bay — start the song already.
This happens to gay guys all the time…
“Quickly! Into a more hideous part of the hotel!”
“Miss Ayumi! Miss Ayumi!”
“Was the girl legal even in Japan, Miss Ayumi!?”
Shiny object →
The Polaroid Paparazzi strikes again.
The Ayumi signal!
Yes, still be weebie wub
“Can I have another menu? I don’t get this.”
Yes, dustbin weebie wub
I just… There’s something she’s trying to convey… I don’t quite…
It’s always embarassing to be the opening act for a virtual performer.
Meatloaf must have had a garage sale.
“OUT OF THE LIGHTS, A**HOLE!”
Her directions were simply to flip out.
*sigh*
“THE MYLAR!”
Shouldn’t you… Shouldn’t you maybe… Get her out of there?
I mean, I’m not telling you how to do your job…
“Relax, killer. They dropped three shards in CGI.”
“Yeah, well, but…”
She’s managed by Kim Jong-Il’s successor?
May

May I

May I request

May I request the

May I request the pleasure

May I request the pleasure of

May I request the pleasure of your

May I request the pleasure of your company

May I request the pleasure of your company?

都会っ子 純情

“MY STRENGTH BEGS SEX AT YOUR BUSINESS ¿”

Boy when the drum pads come out, you know things are getting serious.
“Look! It’s Saki, from Berryz Koubou!”

“No, I’m… SH*T!

Never ask to experience the authentic Hong Kong.
“Here, let me show you the storage unit where I grew up.”
DRAGON BREATH!
HIT!
SPOON FEED!
DIP!
DODGE!
PITCHER PUSH!
FEINT!
HEAD TOSS!
FACE SHIELD!
CRANE STYLE!
GRAPPLE TWIST!
RUNNING FENCE DRAG!
BALANCE FAIL!
FINISHING MOVE!
Gay guys.

All. The. Time.

Good thing we’re spinning. We wouldn’t understand there’s a relationship going on otherwise.
“Eat it, creep!”
THE END
And much like Ayumi, our story just kind of…
…drives off, in a battered van.
Capped by Space Toast
YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com

Feel better soon, GlitterRock!

YouTube Captioning: Berryz Koubou – Tomodachi wa Tomodachi Nanda!

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5000 years of civilization, and we’re still fascinated by the image of people doing the same thing at the same time.
Make use of your motor bootie on the ding-a-lings, they are all my friends
Sod Lenore, who looked up my e-data
Oh, my “friend”
So, this demon in the gutter, all mean to me, he tweeted “I’m a settler”
Out of work, I let it talk, ’cause, sh*t, you know?
(Sh*t, Carol)
Well then Carol now she took the evil meanie down to turn him into kerosene
I’m still mad at you for joking about me — I like bishi Hitler
Bedbugs reproduce inside a trunk, collect inside the keyhole, see me turn over
Garlic sheep, you say?
Commandant, she wept the more that she learned that
Wiimotes get thrown from Ipanema to Arizona — but not at big mean Miyamoto
Murder someone? Would she blab on me? I guess so
So selling what you need while your body’s going mean — that’s L.A., Berryz Koubous
‘Kay, now come suck him on the knee
Dunno
Now come running, it’s bishi Hitler
They’ve laid four feet of track, and god dammit they’re gonna use us.
So, good Alyssa on United said I shouldn’t sh*t on maybe all my friends
Could she get like that if I argue you aren’t ALL my friends?
Kay’s a Jew, so I say Kay, how ’bout a movie? She’s like “Schindler!”
“Mazeltov.” Oh cool tattoo, you madass sheik
Marching — Oh you had a go, that’s kind of mean — there’s a kitchen in the DoD
You know even if we banish it that kind of gag will get absurd
So now, would you guess the moaning and the jiggling and groaning were some crummy guy?
Becky, do have some salad
There’s no doubt she wants it more now she’s learned that
Gödel’s a Turkoman, but legacy-ish model won’t be sold with cash no more
Double “E,” now let them “beeches” talk a while
So heed the double “E” now on Cheech and Chong are going down. Sheesh, that’s evil
Go pack your canoe under there
Dunno
Like your mommy I’d hit that Hitler
                  ↑

Yes, that’s a bowtie necklace.

Notice that each one of their outfits would be cute if not for a single ridiculous embellishment. The rolled cuff, the fishnets, the piled-on necklaces, the policeman’s hat…
Come on, Dante, why don’t more men remember?
The boat’s got through the eastern sea to Manitoba, not to Ealing, my I know
Come on, guys; I’m wrapped in more than teen anger
The Hitler joke is done but you’ve gotta keep on mocking it
Sod that. God, no more
Come on in and let your bishi Dachau, why why?
So we’ll beat it double in, and now we teach it as a song and let it go down — sh*t that’s evil
Don’t pack your noo-noo on a dare
Dunno
Like her mommy…
…I’d hit that Hitler!
Hormones?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, woo

(In my defense, I still haven’t subjected you to °C-ute.)

YouTube Captioning: Perversion For Profit (1965) (Part 3 of 4)

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“It burns well…”
My diary!
Dan Quinn’s Ishmael?
(There are two crap sequels.)
You have a terrible science fair project.
Naruto?
But how did it go otherwise?
Ahh. The sin of pride…
I texted, “LOL MRDRD OLD MAN??.? SUP W U?”
Or, played a fair amount of Street Fighter II Alpha anyway.
[*ED- Is that what the kids say? “Cooled?” ***DELETE THIS** **]
He won a sculling race by rowing an old man?
Kid tested. Motherf*cker approved.
Oh George Putnam, you missed your calling.
M is for marijuana. The author is making up lingo.
H is for heroine. David Bowie is scary.
Plus it’s hard to snort a horse.
He’s really getting into this…
“…bicycle.”
Even if it’s a girly bike.
Brainier than Margaret Warner?
“…or Gilligan.”
Oh, and I hear lots of people get their kicks on Route 66 too.
Shakespeare made it work.
Shakespeare made that work too.
“More from Bill O’Reilly’s Those Who Trespass next week.”
“F*ck Alaska.”
And you’ve succeeded.
“…a purple elephant.”
Seriously. There were some great tits in the last two segments.
CLOSE UP
But it can be yours at the $150 level.

Call 1-800-PUT-PORN to make a pledge!

“The O’Reilly Factor, for instance.”
Not really, no.
.

o

O

( DAMN erection! )

Nor want to.
So stop exposing your children!
“…and need a scapegoat.”
Always have a licensed jeweler verify your birth.
Better not tell Aneurism Dad what the Pentagon spends.
“…but in coupons.”
How does porn cancel comprehensive sex ed programs?

(But you know a few people are bragging.)
“Much like me.”
It’s sweet that he’s concerned about them.
“…and average waist-height…”
(Currently dying in Vietnam.)
It’s a good thing correlation equals causation.
“…sass, back talking…”
↑                                                              

Vice Magazine! There it is!                            

You never studied.
…mostly father.
Maybe a little… too interested. Especially the clergy.
WORK THAT RUNWAY!
“…or would you rather they just fapped?”
“…dental, geological…”
Canyons of butt crack! Seas of santorum!
LURED INTO LESBIANISM

Friday & Saturday only at Le Shed

You mean dating?

YouTube Captioning: Perversion For Profit (1965) (Part 2 of 4)

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As long as we come.
Leave Niels Bohr out of this!
Like Vanity Fair?
Oh yeah. He’s stuffing.
↑ Tai-Pan must owe him a big favor.
(If there is such a thing.)
Just think of the chest-shaving mishaps.
one    
James Dean and the Bull Dyke – pg. 37
Hey! Don’t be dissing George Takai.
Japan?
Actually, sexual preference in pedophilia breaks down at about the same percentages as homosexuality in the general population.
Suck it in, kid.
Somehow I don’t think these kids were the hope of the world.
“Look HAAAAARD… Mmmm…”
“…those friggin’ Jonas Brothers.”
People with two vests?
← The Rails    

    This Film →

“…even though we listed it as a ‘stealth’ gay mag 1 minute 10 ago.”
“…in that they’re coherent.”
e•rot•ic Adj.– Not rotic
TUMNUS!
This film?
“…Archie Comics.”
two
several \/ persons
“…the Steppenwolf LP…”
“…nudie pens…”

8:00 PM 8:30 PM 9:00 PM 9:30 PM 10:00 PM
 PBS An Appeal to the Sodamist: Live
From The Hatch Shell!
New (CC)
Red Green
Show
Repeat (CC)

“…but then, everything hints at bestiality to me.”
Dr. Sorokinsays
← Cite more than one source.
What kind of zoo is that?
Homo Habilis: Cornholing’s king
Not that many women read Ayn Rand.
Music hipsters?
Purple construction paper guy is getting sh**canned for this one.
I prefer brushing by the cashier with the nice rack, but sure.
George Putnam: Down with the streets.
“EAT THIS DRUMSTICK!”
They say every problem is an opportunity.
Through, by, from and for.
Cool!
“…and the girlfriend who makes you hold it as she tries on stuff.”
“…recipes, train schedules…”
Chick Lit: Throwing our fight against Communism.
In print?
“…download a ‘reading guide’ and listen to an exclusive ‘author interview.’ An author interview!
How can they treat books like that!

YouTube Captioning: Perversion For Profit (1965) (Part 1 of 4)

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“STEPHENIE MEYER: A CELEBRATION”
(AND KINKINESS

FOR KICKS!)

(not the one jailed for sodomy)
“I’ve never been jailed for sodomy.”
“Elves.”
“But you can stop this ‘Fred Rogers’…”
For a free catalogue, write to the address at the end of this film.
“Quit hogging STRIP, Judy.”
“It may not be true, but it is a FACT.”

Yeah!
unseen airquotes

“…the smiths of smut. The hustlers of hard-on…!”

THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY

increasingly worse Red.
worse in volume? Agree.
| increase and flourish | Awk.
Fox?
Finally! A growth industry.
You better watch out

You better not fap…

Remember, these are the same people who’d rather go bankrupt than socialize medical insurance.
“The teenager is by definition a pervert…”
“And yet you know them… don’t you?”
Aw. Sad octopus.
Oh let them yiff.
“…It’s dope and it’s with it…”
“…buy porn.”
They need more to do.
Here it comes…
.

o

O
( Crap, I’m getting turned on! )

.

  o

O
( Like that little slut Tammy next door… )

“But we will work until our pamphlets are on EVERY newsstand!”
“…made this octopus sad.”
“THEY WERE PURCHASED ON THE INTERNET!”
Good thing half of those don’t exist anymore.
“But not Costco. What the hell Costco? I bought a damn membership!”
Wait a minute. These are just YA novels.
.

 o

O
( Damn hard-on… )

Awesome! I love nudity!
Would the washer machine be more wholesome?
No, the gay guy mags are for stimulating the rear.
“…the sexually comfortable.”
So do Hindu girls, and they’re HOT.
(Slavery, masochism, outgroup violence…)
It might help if the women weren’t laughing at this guy.
I thought they were just failed actresses showing their tits.
Kind of the way O’Reilly doesn’t give you a clickable link when he rails against 4chan…
Or anyone with a classic tv Gidget fantasy.
↑                                           ↑

Could they have censored any less?

We’re to understand you’re not turned on by healthy breasts?
LESBIAN IMPLICATIONS
with DJ Perversion

This Friday at Le Shed

He almost drifted off for a second there.
Obbbbviously.
“Let’s stay with this frame for a moment more…”
That’s. Not. What “fetish” means!
Dr. Sorokin is one hot MILF!
Is that really where we come?
Yes. Have you ever seen real nudists?
Jump ball!
How many blind people have joined your group exactly?
And blamed pictures of people having fun?
“…and not by watching his abusive ’60s father beat his mother…”
(National Geographic)
Capped by Space Toast
YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com

YouTube Captioning: Clean Coal Success Story

Find more captioned YouTube videos from KKDW, TheDiva, GlitterRock and myself at YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com. Create your own embeddable captioned videos here.

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TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!
Fishing next to a 50 year old coal plant. Get ready for the Big Lie, folks.
Rednecks?
“Far as we could get from this sh** hole.”

“Tha’s right.”

SOFT FOCUS = SINCERITY
UNRELATED TESTIMONIALS = RAPPORT
“…your wife.”
I should say so!
“Still f*ckin’ your wife, Ted.”
That’s easy to remember.
You put little suits on steam?
“We’re going to be using steel, which is metal. And burn coal, which burns.”
Heeeeeeeere they come to snuff the Bruce Na…
It can’t be that important…
Enter your own damn text.
It means 40% efficiency, vs. the 37% of hundred-year-old technology.
PARTIAL FOCUS = EVEN MORE SINCERITY
(Added in post.)
TIME LAPSE CLOUDS = THOUGHTFULNESS
(Also works with bodies of water, stars, hilly forests.)
It’s basically a big Dirt Devil.
“And about 5 million tons of CO2 per annum.”
If you’d like to know what these a**holes are actually on about, Council Bluffs #4 happened to be the first coal plant built after the EPA began forcing the power industry to reduce mercury emissions. There are three older plants on the site, each releasing 5x the mercury of #4. We have two more minutes — think they’ll mention any of this?
GREEN STUFF = FRIENDLY
They’re circulating, are they?
Rape, larceny, poor dental hygiene…
You built. A fourth. Plant.

That means more pollution, you carpetbagging twat.

“And global warming was made up by Al Gore, so…”
“Fish sticks.”
Walri? Kid’s nothing if not ambitious. And a bit stupid.
I’m sorry, which disease did you catch?
I only speak New England Redneck, can you repeat large portions of that?

TMI, dude.

“That was no fish, that was my wife!”
*boom!*
FAMILY TESTIMONIAL = TRUST
“Just not in any way that affects me.”
BACKLIGHTING + FILL = CALM
“Something heavier than the lure.”
MULTIPLE MATCH CUTS = CLOSURE
HITACHI: Doing the Minimum Required by Law™
And expecting a handjob for it!
Capped by Space Toast
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Blosxom: Upgrading to an RSS 2.0 Feed

Blosxom still pretty much just damn works, but it’s dying. A dead News link on a project site is never a good sign. It won’t be long before the STP will have to move to another weblog backend, but that’s for another day.

Today’s issue: Facebook keeps inexplicably dropping my RSS feed. Facebook is of course happy to pretend there isn’t an internet outside its walls, but I get a lot more feedback on my ideas through Facebook than in the blog comments. Whether it’s the cause of this problem or not, in keeping with its age, Blosxom serves feeds in the RSS 0.90 format, which would be a bit of a ColecoVision even if Blosxom had ever done it right.

I’ve modified my copy of the blosxom.cgi script to produce a modern RSS 2.0 feed that validates correctly. You can do the same. Here’s how:

1. Open blosxom.cgi in a text editor and scroll to the bottom.

2. Replace this rubbish:

rss content_type text/xml

rss head <?xml version=”1.0″?>\n<!– name=”generator”

content=”blosxom/$version” –>\n<!DOCTYPE rss PUBLIC “-//Netscape

Communications//DTD RSS 0.91//EN”

“http://my.netscape.com/publish/formats/rss-0.91.dtd”>\n\n<rss

version=”0.91″>\n  <channel>\n   

<title>$blog_title $path_info_da $path_info_mo

$path_info_yr</title>\n   

<link>$url</link>\n   

<description>$blog_description</description>\n   

<language>$blog_language</language>\n

rss story   <item>\n   

<title>$title</title>\n   

<link>$url/$yr/$mo_num/$da#$fn</link>\n   

<description>$body</description>\n  </item>\n

rss date \n

rss foot   </channel>\n</rss>

3. With this rubbish:

rss content_type text/xml

rss head <?xml version=”1.0″?>\n\n<rss

version=”2.0″>\n  <channel>\n   

<title>$blog_title $path_info_da $path_info_mo

$path_info_yr</title>\n   

<link>$url</link>\n   

<description>$blog_description</description>\n   

<language>$blog_language</language>\n

<generator>blosxom $version</generator>\n

<docs>http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss</docs>\n

rss story   <item>\n   

<title>$title</title>\n   

<pubDate>$dw, $da $mo $yr $ti:00

GMT</pubDate>\n   

<link>$url/$yr/$mo_num/$da#$fn</link>\n   

<guid

isPermaLink=”true”>$url$path/$fn</guid>\n   

<description>$body</description>\n  </item>\n

rss date \n

rss foot   </channel>\n</rss>

That’s it.

YouTube Captioning: Jesus and Moses Went Golfing

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“…you said we’d be in the desert for a week.”
Book of Clubs: 8 wood 4
Please don’t do that.
Spreads a choirboy’s anus, and…
Jesus doesn’t handle confrontation well.
But it’s hard to make par with your penis.
Passive-aggressively immitating Charlie Chaplin.
Moses was just being an asshole.
Is Jesus doing the sound effects too?
( / 2) –
For more of God being a dick, please read the Old Testament.
God is just sick of your masturbating.
(The guy reaching for the man with the limp penis.)
Did he say when?
.

o

O

(He’s right… He’s right… That’s right… Oh my god, that’s so right…)

Did they know how condoms worked?
“BASTARDS!”
It also lets SATAN crawl up your hoo-ha.
“You… SLUT.”
Actually, the Catholic church has spent the last thousand years debating the point of “ensoulement” without coming to any solid consensus.
Something that happens naturally to 60-80% of fertilized eggs anyway. (Yes, fertilized eggs.)
Wait, when did logic come into the Catholic church?
Or “GALILEO WAS RIGHT!” prior to Nirvana dropping the Nevermind album.
There there, Thomas Aquinas, William of Occam and Aristotle — the molestache man is almost done.
Yes, I can clearly see the moral and logical problem you’ve backed yourself into.
←Bad    Good→
“Sorry about your son’s sphincter, here’s some money…”
Do you get the feeling that somewhere there’s a shop class missing its wacky teacher, and the girls are having to use the bandsaw without someone leaning over to guide both of their hands?
Brought to You by Your Ashur-Worshipping Friends in Ninveh:

Capital of the Ancient Assyrian Empire

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YouTube Captioning: 2010 K-POP Single Chart (March Week 3)

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2010: A K-Pop Odyssey
“What!?”
“Ow!”
“Quit it!”
“Dammit!”
“Quit shoving!”
It could be gas.
Translation: “…but the Body Shop was closed!”
            ↑

To be fair, chicks with violins rock.

           

To be fair, chicks with violins rock.

Shouldn’t he be wearing tissue boxes on his feet?
“Go my child! Escape from the man fairy!”
To be exact, love, a can of Red Bull, and two shots each of Bacardi and Jagermeister taught me to drink.
“Play it again, Chan.”
“My urine sample!”
.

o

O
(Dammit, I’m almost out of condiments)

Seeing as this appears to be a tv show theme, you’d think cutting a video wouldn’t have been ponderous.
If you squished today and twenty years ago together, this is the horrible clothing you would end up with.
I thought HOPPER + DRAMA = EASY RIDER
(Shouldn’t this be over?)
Boyz II Twatz
Walk into the damn light!
You: zip up
You: unzip
What about Noein?
8eight appears with 2AM and 4Men in the new release Now 7hat’s What 1 Call 1nexplicable Use of Digits #7.
Where do you get a belt with a heat exchanger?
Not his usual look. He came here straight from dodging the “100M from a school or playground” restriction slapped on him by the judge.
There’s a joke you’re not in on here: The band is called “4Men,” but there are three of them, without a testicle between them.
I Can’t (Theme to Virginia Woolf’s “To the Lighthouse”)
I want to enjoy this, but there’s an air of barely-contained desperation around these women.
See what I mean?
; _ ;
^_^
You do know they make unobtrusive mics, right?
Love. I’m noticing a theme here.
Falling Down II: Lady Luckless
A sewer in my bed…!

[INSERT EMOTION HERE]

“Hey! It’s only raining in front of the camera!”
Yay! The shocker song!
Two in the pink, one in the stink! Shock! SHOCK!
Maybe they’re saying “shuck.” It could be a corn song.
But didn’t get a wrist or a finger
Goddamn the cur
Jack, that cat

(He’s technically a woman but don’t tell the officer)

Korean is not a language you can “spit.”
People who won’t even dog-ear a page run in fear from
Marginalia Man!
The hand bump. Classic.

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Well don’t everybody run away. Somebody’s got to clean up around here.
*Lloyd Thaxton pedals through*
I knooooow a little place/ Not far from town/

(Gotta go) A kind of pretty place/ Three up, two down

Ahh. The Korean Miley.
“Good. Gooooood…”             ↑
Another song with “love” in the title. Take a drink.
Confirm. Deny.
You take that back!
Usually you have to be near a base to get Cum-Shot Happy Entertainment in Korea.
Not that I’d… know….
I’m getting a little sick of running too.
What are we running from, at least?
Stop telling me what to do!
+5 Chain Mail? She can’t equip that until level 15!
Does lupin grow in Korea? Or is this a posh remake of “Hungry Like the Wolf?”
Sarah Jessica Park Hyor
“Wait! I’ll get furniture! I swear.”
“Or a door! At least I’ll get a door!”
I hear the Marvel continuity nazis sh*t kittens when Dazzler moved to Korea and had a son.
“Or scenery outside of the windows! Anything!”
“You know I love you more than my cheap particle effects! Please!”
Sentinel attack! Hit the deck.
Gee. This video.
Cut scenes from a movie in, and it’s MTV: 1988-1994.
(For those younger people in the audience, MTV used to play music.)
BubbleLove.com was already registered. And she was NOT happy with what she found there.
Someone lob another mortar.
2AM: The all fighting-game-villain band
Yes, you did wrong. Now comb it flat again.
Did anyone else just see Kim Jong Il?
D’oh, my bad!
Look, we’ll see if we can sort it out with super glue…
What’s with the fourth grade love note? I thought child molestation was only big in Japan.
She been driving me so blue
I’ll not chicken out again!
Her mom’s so cocky…
Young as kids can get…
Yes, “T-ara” is #1. We haven’t been counting up.
I know someone who goes crazy because of his violent psychoses. Y’all should hang.
Somewhere in Seoul: “It’s peurile, but it doesn’t have an annoying repeated phrase. Who wrote that ‘Oh Oh Oh Oh’ bit for T-ara? Get me that bastard. That bastard sh*ts gold records!”
“What a world!”
Chunky? Lady, Gainax characters are chunky compared to you.
Fosse!
To recap #1: Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, chunky-chunky-chunky-chunky-chunky-chunky-chunky, Satan’ll never reach out.
Capped by Space Toast
YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com

YouTube Captioning: Duck and Cover

So many more captioned YouTube videos at YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com. Create your own embeddable captioned YouTube videos here.

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You need Flash player 8+ and JavaScript enabled to view this video.
And to the sound of the Dumb Dumb song, we welcome you to a classic piece of WTF.
The Allegory of Bertrand Russell
Clearly.
Wh-? Where did-?!

Oh god, the monkey was a suicide bomber!

He didn’t speak unless spoken to…
“FOR THE CAUSE -!”
*bits of dead monkey begin to fall*
“Plod along mindlessly, and withdraw within yourself when there’s unrest.”
*instinctively mashes the Top Menu button*
“…any unathorized rebroadcast, retransmission, or relocation without the express written consent of the Civil Defense Administration is prohibited.”
I think Bert’s pretty much “out” already.
“You’re a puss.”
Scenes from “Burt the Turtle Fights VD”
Emotionally?
Sometimes monkeys just blow themselves up.
“Under my hairpiece, children.”
But do we understand its needs?
“Such as school desegregation.”
Alert the FBI if you see anyone talking to unknown fires in your neighborhood.
Hitler!
“If you ever need to drill a fire.”
“Herbie: Fully Loaded” should be avoided at all costs.
“Our ragamuffins shall protect us from the cars.”
Or risk suburban ostracism.
Pre-Tweens
Chances are you won’t.
If you’re not lucky enough to be vaporized instantly.
Or will again.
Miss Rumphius: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
“Burn your shadow into the pavement…”
“It can menace people near drugstores, and smoke marijuana.”
Please. Bert is boiled like a sweet in there.
“Oh yeah. Oh god yeah.”
Did you know your homeowner policy doesn’t cover atomic brinksmanship?
Shame-wise
With your face?
Cover your back with your septum.
“Isn’t this f*cking bullsh*t? Wouldn’t we f*cking die anyway?”
“Shut the f*ck up, Betty.”
Sometimes you will see the monkey, sometimes you will not.
“Permission to go faster, sir.”
“PBS. No, the Mrs. Slocum’s Pussy tote bag is at the $200 level.”
“Does that look like an atomic bomb to you?”
You may be playing with yourself when the signal comes.
FASTER! TRAMPLE EACH OTHER, YOU F*CKERS! THE WEAK WILL NOT REPRODUCE UNDER THE NEW ORDER!
“Galactus!”
In your perfectly pressed suit.
Near the liqueur cabinet.
If you’re in Chinatown…
“It’s in my soundproofed apartment, right up there…”
“Let go of my elbow.”

“Forget it, baby. It’s… Chinatown.”

“…you may encounter a Beatnik.”

“Me?”

Unless you’re The Flash.
“When they dump your books, dive into a fetal position, screaming like a little girl. Watch…”
“Ugod! Wah! Stopit! Stopit! Aaugh!”
“See how he’s wet himself?”
“That’ll keep them from stuffing you in the janitor’s cart.”
“Expect them to spit on you. Fortunately, no one can jack off fast enough to soil you in that manner.”
I’ll take my chances with the bomb, thank you.
Except the room itself.
“IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD, KIDS! INCEST! DRUGS! WAAAH! HA HA HA HA!”
“…they’ll never live down the shame.”
“Out of my way, b*tch!”
“Too bad they won’t be around to enjoy it.”
“A feeble attempt, really.”
“Future civilizations will be amused by the shapes they leave in the half-molten topsoil.”
GAH! They are!
Did she put her head through the cladding?
Or her head will be preserved, anyway.
“Tony regularly wets the bed as a result. Tony’s dad beats him.”
Tony, can I recommend the other side of the wall?
Tony thinks that if he can’t see the shockwave, it can’t see him.
“Notice how he weeps, and curses Oppenheimer.”
Any unnecessary rubbing or thrusting he does is condoned by the United States Government.
“He’s armed, so be careful of him in the ensuing anarchy.”
“No matter how mad his demands.”
The armored schoolbus
“Has it ever been cleaned down here?!”
“The glass may melt and splash across your body, casting your final scream in a hideous crystalline death mask.”
“Stop eating the cooking fuel!”
If they know what’s good for them.
Or they believe it, and that’s the important bit for civil control.
As long as it’s made of 3″ thick lead.
“Which shouldn’t be much of anywhere, or you’ll just be getting what’s coming to you, you slut.”
That could have gone so many kinds of wrong.
“In all likelihood, falling structures will do this for you.”
“Seriously, what the f*ck?”
“Review the life flashing before your eyes, as the air fills with a sound and smell of sizzling bacon.”
“…lose that virginity fast.”
Kill every monkey you see.
Don’t call him Barry Allen?
Next from Astoria Public Schools, don’t miss “It’s a M.A.D., M.A.D., M.A.D., M.A.D. Cold War.”
Capped by Space Toast
YouTubeCapper.blogspot.com

The YouTube Captioning Thing Upgraded

I’ve added a second mode to the YouTube Captioning Thing. The original version allowed you to create a running commentary beneath any embeddable YouTube video. The new version has a second mode where the captions appear directly on top of the video. Here’s a demo:

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You need Flash player 8+ and JavaScript enabled to view this video.
The original Lloyd Thaxton was a retired Grand Rapids machinist who would stand in a long raincoat and leer at the camera for an hour a day. His program ran from 1952-1960.
Back when you had to be drunk to work as a television announcer.
“With a sound as gay as their sportcoats!”

*crowd cheers*

The escalation in Vietnam?
“And other pop culture cliche crap! DAMMIT, JACK, WHERE’D YOU-? Oh, it’s in my hand…”
Thank god we invented teen sex.
What’s Dorothy doing back there? The Funky Mashed Chicken Potato?
This is what the hep crowd would be doing on a Friday night if Strom Thurmond had won the Presidency.
Where?
That’s Lake Michigan.
Well, there are a few.
I thought you said there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.
.
o
O
(Two more verses! I can make it!)

*puff puff*

The abandoned mortuary?
Maybe the old vomit factory?
Oh! The weird church on the dump road, in that trailer.
Over… over here now, dude.
Hello?
.
o
O
(It can’t be my healthy 3-pack-a-day habit, why am I so beat?)
Gomez Adams: Bandleader
The grand tradition of American songs that use up their material in 90 seconds but just keep f*cking going.
Thinking about Rayon dress pants on a bicycle seat, I hope this guy didn’t have balls when he started doing this.
Dorothy, what are you doing?
Wait, he’s not really singing!
“WE’RE EASILY ENTERTAINED!”
“Anyone got some Gold Bond?”
“…he’ll never work in this business again.”
That’s the choke.
Christian Bale, Nixon Youth
“Ixnay on your ex-life-say.”
“David, I understand you’re warehoused at the vocational school…”
“Michelle, you’re not any part negro are you? It doesn’t work on negros.”
“The same.”
*jing jing!*
Do the faggoty little ribbons come with it?
“–and fight.”
Wait, what?
Is this Britain during the rationing?
“But none for you, Dorothy — I said ‘dancers.'”
“CANNED GOODS!”
And the teenagers rebel by going away.
Capped by Space Toast
YouTubeCapper.Blogspot.com